What Are Your Expectations During the Holidays?

How is going "Making Your Holidays More Enjoyable? “  Have you made a conscious effort to first and foremost take the time to be present and enjoy your spouse, your children, and friends?  As I talked about last week, it's so easy to get caught up with the "hoop la" and forget what this season is really all about whether you celebrate Hanukkah or Christmas.  We could focus on all the tragedies in our world today, or we can focus on what we do have control over and that's only ourselves.  What can I do each and every day to make a difference in my own life and to make a difference in others' lives?

What are your expectations for this holiday time?  It seems we hear about so many more issues of domestic violence, assaults, suicides, drunk-driving etc. taking place during this time of year. Why is that?  Yes, there are people who aren't happy, are taking out their feelings of frustration and inadequacy on family members or on themselves and this time of year seems to exacerbate those stressors and challenges.  I would speculate that finances trigger many of these feelings both now and again when it comes time to pay off all the credit card bills.  But what else?  Is it the reflection over the past year, and the realization that once again another year has passed and nothing is really any different?  Is it a focus on all the things that didn't happen and a poor pitiful me attitude?  Is it “looking around” comparing yourself to others that seem to “have it all together?”  They don't have any of the struggles that you have.  Or is it something else?  Does any of this ring true for you?  What about those people, family and friends, who you surround yourself with regularly?

I would suggest a couple ideas to think about.  One is that EVERYONE has struggles and challenges of some kind.  EVERYONE is dealing with some challenge whether it be physical, emotional, financial, or spiritual.  Even those that look like they have THE perfect life have some kind of struggle, but we each deal with those challenges and struggles in our own personal way.  The choice might be to ignore, or deny, or we choose not to focus on the challenge itself but the lessons being learned along the way.  Some “suffer” in silence while others “wear their struggle on their sleeve” and let everyone around them know they're suffering.  A second thought is if the same feelings are constantly reoccurring then why haven’t you done anything about them?  Is it easier to wallow in misery and discomfort blaming everyone but ourselves, than it is to take action and make changes? 

Make this holiday season different than ever before.  Give gifts from your heart that you can afford, make a conscious effort to let go of a nit picking, exasperated mindset when with a difficult relative, even if it’s your own spouse, parent, in-law, or sibling.  Let go of the judgment, criticism, and perfect expectations.   Come away, this season, with a feeling of resolve.  Maybe it’s watching the behavior of someone else and making the commitment  to never be that way yourself, maybe it’s looking at being grateful for whatever little things you can find, maybe it’s realizing that if you can be loving and compassionate, you get far more of the same in return.  Maybe the difference is to let go of that perfect Christmas card picture, sit back and just enjoy.

We will be spending Christmas with our daughter and her family, and New Years with our son and his family.   I plan to take in each moment fully. So that I take my own advice, I will be sharing new thoughts and a plan for 2015 in my next blog which will be January 6^th. 

I wish for you a special holiday time that includes: reflection, quiet moments, and gratitude.

Making the Holidays More Enjoyable

Hanukkah is December 16^th, eight days away, and Christmas is 17 days away.  There’s a flurry of parties, shopping, meal planning, travel plans, cards to send, baking to do, and the list goes on and on.  However, what does that list look like for our military families who will be without a loved one?  What does that list look like for a family barely getting by or someone who has recently lost a loved one?  There are so many different scenarios that get lost in that flurry, yet even when things are going well, what are our expectations for this holiday time?

Are you someone that needs to have everything perfect?  Maybe you feel all family members need to be present or it isn't a complete celebration.  Do you get stressed out with all that’s on your “to do” list, or maybe you’re already anticipating difficulty with a particular family member or members? With married children, you may need to “share” time with the in-laws or take turns with the various holidays.  That becomes another challenge when grandchildren are involved.  Any of this ringing true for you?  We all have our own ways to deal with the holidays and the various circumstances we face.  So what do we do?

The perfect scenario actually seems to only exist in one place:  a picture on a greeting card.  According to Dr. Phil, “In the real world, with our fast-paced lives, the holidays usually mean stress.  We’re scrambling to make that shopping list, fretting about our budget,” spending time with family members who are negative and always complaining.  “During the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, we pile expectations on ourselves and everyone around us.”  And because we’re feeling overwhelmed with all the things that “must get done" on that seemingly endless list,” we end up taking out our stress on those we love the most – our spouse, our small children, our adult children, parents, co-workers, clients etc. etc.  And we justify our behavior, to ourselves, because we’re trying to make this whole “holiday event” special for everyone.  Sounding a little contradictory?

“You can’t have a holiday with meaning until you decide what means the most to you, so ask yourself where your true priorities lie.  If you value time with your small children, or your kids who will be home from college, or your parents will be with you etc. why add more people to your list?  If you want to enjoy your day off, don’t sign up for a shift as a cook and maid; make a reservation at an affordable restaurant instead.”  Maybe by taking a couple things off your list, you will actually decrease your stress level.  Maybe you want to focus on gratitude; if so, you might step out of the commercial frenzy by feeding homeless families at a community center.”  If your actions reflect what means the most to you then you’re “walking your talk.” 

After the holidays are over, are you looking back on the events with a smile?  Or are you slumped on the couch, exhausted, and just glad it’s all over?  You will be the one to determine that final feeling.“It doesn't matter if you've celebrated the same way forever.  This year you can create the experience you want.  You just have to quit letting guilt control you and throw traditions that aren't working for you out the door,” according to Dr. Phil.

“Making the Holidays More Enjoyable” according to Dr. Phil:  (1) The first question he asks is whether or not the expectations we have are realistic.  People have a tendency to get upset with not what actually happens but that the expectations weren’t met.  So, are the expectations realistic?  Is this new or does the same stress and discomfort happen year after year?  You may need to re-examine your expectations and check to see they match your priorities.  (2) He also suggests lightening up and go with the flow.  Take a step back and relax.  (3) Remember that Christmas, or any holiday, is NOT the time for a problem-solving session.  Deal with family issues at another time.  (Make 2015 the year to get closure on unresolved issues with family.)  (4) Limit the time you spend with family.  It may be special for everyone to be together, but there’s no need to overdo it.  (Getting back to family routines is important for everyone especially our little ones.)  (5) If a meal is stressful, try making changes.  Simplify the menu, or serve buffet style, or make it a potluck.  (6) Give yourself permission to let go of the things that in the big picture don’t really matter and people won’t even remember.  That may mean all the vacuuming isn’t done, the piles are still there (hide the stuff) etc.  Would your children rather have your attention or see you focusing more on those other things?  If they’re old enough, let them be a part of the preparations – who cares if it isn’t just perfect or that you could do it much faster without their “help.”  It’s the time together that’s important.  (That is obviously one of my priorities – time together.)  (7) If the holidays make you feel empty and/or alone, give to others.  The best way to get is to give – even if you’re not feeling empty and alone. 

“It doesn’t matter if you’ve celebrated the same way forever.  This year you can create the experience you want that meshes with your priorities surrounding this time of year.  You just have to quit letting guilt control you or allowing others’ expectations control your actions.  Throw out, keep, or change traditions that either are or are not working for you.  Remember what the holidays are really about.  Family togetherness, spiritual enlightenment and camaraderie with friends are far more important than the details that we often focus on. 

I wish for you a quiet reflection time of all that you’re grateful for.  Here’s to this time before the holiday be days of less stress and more memory creating!  It’s in your control and it is a mindset.

It’s now December 2014, the last month of this calendar year.  Where did this year go?  What were you able to accomplish?  How are you different than 12 months ago?  What have you done to contribute to your own personal development?  Specifically, what books did you read? 

Here are a few of my favorites that are either new reads or ones that I re-read on a regular basis:

1.    The Secrets of a Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker

2.    Breakout by Joel Osteen

3.    Angel Inside by Chris Widener

4.    The Image by Chris Widener

5.    The Doctor’s Diet by Travis Stork, M.D

6.    Twelve Pillars by Jim Rohn and Chris Widener

7.    Above All Else by Chris Widener

8.    Live the Life You have Always Dreamed Of by Chris Widener

9.    Success magazine – monthly

I’m using this opportunity to get new book titles from you.  In your comments or email me directly with your suggestions.  This way we can share great titles for others to add to their Christmas list or for their 2015 reading list.  I will pass the list along in future logs. 

Personal growth is the foundation for making changes in all areas of our lives so whether it be audio CD’s, Kindle reading, hard back books etc. a focus to learn and grow is a must to make changes in our lives.  I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

Happy Thanksgiving

I feel a need to add to my blog this week after the Ferguson Grand Jury decision came down last night.  Whether you agree or disagree with the decision and/or the process, we can choose to either focus on all that is wrong or use our efforts to make change. Some of you may say that this is easier for me to say as I’m white. I haven't had to experience the prejudice, the racial profiling etc.  True.  I don't pretend to know what it’s like to walk in the shoes of anyone of color.  What I do know and believe is each and every one of us no matter color, ethnicity, religious belief etc. are blessings, add to the beauty of this world, and have contributions to make.  Polly Anna thinking?  I don't care if that’s the perception.  I know that if I spend my time listening to the news and everyone else’s opinions and “take” on the events that have occurred these past months; I feel down, discouraged, and it’s easier to focus on all the negative.  When I listen to talk around solutions, moving forward, we don't have to accept “the norm,” and what actions we can take to make a difference, I feel empowered and ready to move forward. Those choices are my choices.  I choose to make a difference one day, one friend, one situation at a time.

 

“Each year on the fourth Thursday in November, Americans gather for a day of feasting, football and family. While today’s Thanksgiving celebrations would likely be unrecognizable to attendees of the original 1621 harvest meal, it continues to be a day for Americans to come together around the table,” according to History.com. 

How do you celebrate Thanksgiving?  Do you have specific traditions that you follow each year?  What about those special recipes?  Do you have special memories of that day?

In 1976, our family and friends were all gathered at my parents’ home not only to celebrate Thanksgiving, but the next day Jon and I were getting married.  We wanted the wedding to be exactly one year to the day we met on our blind date, however, in 1976, that meant it would be on Thanksgiving Day.  Guess what…that doesn't work.  So Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, one year and one day later, became our wedding day.  To also “set the stage” for how we would celebrate Thanksgiving in the future, the Friday after Thanksgiving was always the day Oklahoma and Nebraska went head to head on the football field.  Because of that, the time of our wedding was held at 11:30 in the morning so our reception would be winding down by the time the two teams played.  With Jon working in the CU athletic department, we wanted Oklahoma to win which would mean CU would play in the Orange Bowl.  The end of our reception had moved in front of a TV set to watch Oklahoma win, so now we were also celebrating CU playing in the Orange Bowl for New Years. 

Fast forward to 1994 when CU moved from the Big 8 to the Big 12.  That now meant a CU vs. Nebraska match up on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Over these many years, football has meant we were either celebrating Thanksgiving in our home when the game was in Boulder, or we celebrated on Wednesday as Jon would be in Lincoln with the team.  As Jason and Elsa were older, we traveled to Lincoln, and we all ate our Thanksgiving dinner at the Cornhusker Hotel with other Buff fans.  And, yes, there were also times our anniversary did fall on Thanksgiving Day, so we had a double reason to celebrate.

There were five years, when Jason was a player at CU, that our Thanksgivings took on a whole new “look.”  If the game was here in Boulder, we had many football players and parents filling our home.  It was such a fun time with great food, great fellowship, much laughter, and many wonderful memories. 

Now our Thanksgiving plans vary from year to year.  Our children are married, and they have their own demands to juggle.  Jobs, basketball games, and needing to balance sharing time with in-laws come into play.  I must admit, that that was hard for me at first.  I love being surrounded by my children, grandchildren, family and friends.  Yet, I also had to remember… I was not available to spend time with either my family or Jon’s.  We were having to work around Jon’s job and rarely were available to have a Thanksgiving together with other family members. So now, I relish each time we get together no matter when that may be. 

Whatever your memories, traditions, and circumstances are this year; I am grateful for your friendship, the blessings you bring to my life, and all the memories we have shared.  Happy Thanksgiving to you and to your family this November 27^th, 2014!

What Does Your Paradise Look Like?

Darren Hardy, publisher and founding editor of Success magazine in the December 2014 issue titles his Publisher’s Letter “Dissatisfied?  How to Find Paradise.”  It’s an interesting question as I assume, no matter whether you’re 16 or 60+, at some time or another in your life, you questioned the life you were leading.  Maybe you envied the life your best friend had or you thought you’d be further ahead in your job, your finances, your relationships.  Maybe it appeared others had a “better life,” a more loving marriage, or you wished you didn't have to worry about money.  The “grass looked  greener on the other side.”  According to Hardy, “Every one of us desires Paradise.  The confusion of where to find Paradise is the problem.  The desire for Paradise is not itself a crime. Paradise is a choice.  It is a state of mind.  It comes from within.  Paradise doesn’t exist unless you create it and unless you choose it every day."

Are you spending your time looking at everyone else and comparing yourself?  Are you finding you spend a lot of time “wishing” you were back in time at a younger age, wishing you were doing something else, wishing you were with someone else? Etc. etc.  Or are you living in the present and focusing on all your blessings and gratitude?  Remember Jim Rohn’s words, “What you focus on expands.”  If you’re using other people’s lives as your definition of success or your paradise, chances are you are focusing on lack.  If you’re focusing on you, your successes, your gratitude’s then chances are you're focusing on abundance.

“Negative noise is everywhere in our society, but even more so it’s inside our heads,” according to Shawn Achor, a Harvard-trained researcher. “By emitting positive energy and canceling out that internal noise, you can get back the signal that leads to meaning, success, sustained happiness, and even a longer healthier life." Just like a few week’s ago, I asked you to come up with and write down your personal philosophy – what you want to stand for in all areas of your life.  If your personal philosophy is in place then your picture of paradise has already started to formulate.  It’s not comparing yourself to others, it’s all about YOU.  Zig Ziglar author of Born to Win: Find Your Success Code suggests more areas to consider for your paradise, your successful life.  How do these fit for you?

·       * At the end of the day, do you know and focus on that you did a great job?  The successes?

·        *Are there people in your life who love you and you love them in return?

·        *Financial security is often an area of worry and concern.  If your financial affairs are not in order, what actions are you taking to change it?  Are you moving forward and focusing on abundance or using excuses with no action and focusing on lack?

·        *Do you have the kind of faith that lets you know where to turn when there seems to be no place to turn?

·        *Work is only part of your day.  What brings you joy and peace?  An interest?  A hobby?

·        *Do you really know who YOU are?  It’s back to your personal philosophy once again.

·        *Are you making your health a priority, actively taking care of yourself, and waking up each day with a healthy mindset? 

·        *Do you end the day with a list of gratitude’s?

Are you actively creating and living your paradise?  Are you focusing on how unique and special you are?  Are you changing, learning, and growing daily so your paradise can change and grow too?  Amy Van Dyken Rouen could spend her days lamenting on the “if onlys” or “wishing” things were different.  My sister-in-law has every reason to “wish” things were different after her life threatening stroke.  We all know people who could spend time wishing, hoping, comparing themselves to others who seem to “have it all.”  We also know or know about those people who have every reason to live in the wishing mode or “if only” mode.  After all, we are human.  Yet, they choose to focus on moving forward.   The key question…what do you focus on?  Lack and self-pity or abundance and developing a paradise life for yourself?

Remember Darren Hardy’s words, “Paradise is a choice.  It is a state of mind.  It comes from within.  Paradise doesn’t exist unless you create it and unless you choose it every day.”  YOU are the only one who is control of YOU.  

Veterans' Day!

Today is Veterans’ Day.  We all have a little understanding of what this day represents, but as we are dealing more and more with the world in such turmoil, I wanted to know more about our country’s history and this day in particular.

First of all, there is a difference between Memorial Day and Veterans’ Day.  According to History.com, “Memorial Day (fourth Monday in May) honors American service members who died in service to our country or as a result of injuries incurred during battle.  Veterans’ Day, on the other hand, pays tribute to all American veterans-living or dead-but especially giving thanks to living veterans who have served our country honorably during war or peacetime.”

The origin of this holiday dates back to U.S. President Woodrow Wilson who proclaimed Armistice Day on November 11, 1919 marking the end of WWI. Armistice between Germany and the Allied nations ended WWI although the war didn’t have an official end until seven months later when the Treaty of Versailles was signed. Initially we “celebrated” with a two minute work stoppage at 11:00 am on November 11^th.  On June 4, 1926, Congress passed their own resolution asking then President Calvin Coolidge to issue a proclamation to observe November 11^th as a holiday designed to celebrate world peace and the end of WWI.  “In 1945, Birmingham veteran Raymond Weeks, a veteran of WWII, led a delegation to then Army Chief of Staff General Dwight Eisenhower to convince him to turn Armistice Day into a time to honor all those who served in the armed forces. Weeks led the first national celebration in Alabama in 1947 which he continued to do until his death in 1985.”   

The history of this day continued when Eisenhower, by then president, signed a bill into law in 1954.  Congress voted to change the name from Armistice Day to Veterans’ Day.  With the name change the date was also changed to the fourth Monday of October in 1971, however, in 1978, the date was changed back to its original November 11^th.  “Veterans’ Day is now observed on November 11^th, regardless of which day of the week the date falls.  Federal and state offices are closed on the day, as are most schools.”

As we observe yet another Veterans’ Day with many of our men and women continuing their service around the world, continuing to put themselves in harms way to serve our country and protect our freedoms, there are also many who are back here in the States recovering from both physical and emotional wounds.  Let us not forget to say thank you to those veterans but in addition to the spouses and children who have also had to make a sacrifice.  

Take time to express a voice of gratitude for all our men and women who continue to fight for the freedoms which we, often times, take for granted. What a wonderful opportunity to find a chance to give out random acts of kindness to these special members of the military and to their families.

Though this video speaks primarily about men, we all know there are a tremendous number of women who are also on active duty or are veterans.  The message is…let’s say Thank You, in some way, today!!

http://www.history.com/topics/holidays/history-of-veterans-day/videos/history-says-thanks

Here's to your physical health at any age!

If you don’t have your health, it is difficult to function on a daily basis no matter what age, and the “enemy” is inflammation.  It’s not just the athlete, but it’s the stressed mom with young children, it’s the single parent working several jobs to just put food on the table, it’s the professional doctor, teacher, CPA with high demands and expectations on their time who’s getting little beneficial sleep, it’s the main bread winner working full time but also going back to school at night, and, yes, even our young college students meeting the demands of all the assignments, projects, mid-terms, finals.  All of these examples are people with some level of inflammation. 

According to Dr. Lyndon McGill, chiropractor out of Salem, Oregon, “our bodies are bombarded with pro-inflammatory conditions.  Inflammation is a response; our bodies want to fight this invader.”  There are two types of inflammation.  The first is acute inflammation which is our body’s initial response to an injury or trauma and is a good thing, it can even be life-saving.  However the second type of inflammation is chronic inflammation.  This, on the other hand, is definitely a problem. Too many things are perpetuating this inflammatory response with the result being autoimmune diseases and more.  According to Dr. McGill, “so many people are headed toward dialysis because of the damage to the liver and kidneys due to medications such as prescription meds and over-the-counter anti-inflammatories.”   

Having dealt with rheumatoid arthritis since I was 36 and being on an injection of methotrexate once a week for over 13 years, I've definitely been concerned about the implications for my health long-term.  However, I’m also learning, there are a multitude of reasons our bodies, at ALL ages, are fighting inflammation.  It’s not just that sore shoulder or knee due to over use playing golf or tennis as a recreational sport.  It’s not just the former college/pro athlete who now, later in life, is “feeling the effects.”  It is EVERY ONE of us.  We are surrounded by challenges such as: chemicals in the environment, allergies, migraines, job-related stressors, lack of sleep, lack of good nutrition, high consumption of junk food and junk beverages, joint aches and pains, obesity, and the list goes on and on. 

With all that said, I want to introduce you to a product that has changed my life as well as many others.  Hear me out. DO NOT stop reading.  I am not someone who will bombard others “advertising” products, however, this one is changing lives, its proprietary, clean, and the focus is on reducing chronic inflammation.  What is it?  It’s a small beet capsule called Limitless.  Like a vitamin/mineral benefits us, this small capsule taken two times a day, preferably on an empty stomach serves to strengthen your body and how it functions.  Testimonials range from high school athletes, to my 87 year old mom, to former college and pro athletes, those of us concerned about aging, and also ob/gyn professionals, dentists, and even veterinarians. 

What makes this capsule so powerful?  It contains one ingredient which is a targeted concentration of pure beet root powder containing a superior source of betalain.  The patent-pending process to extract the betalain allows for the purity, zero calories, and zero sugar.  What are the benefits:  *fights fatigue   *fights free-radicals   *promotes joint health   *improves mental alertness   *promotes healthy aging   *reduces chronic inflammation     Did you know there is even a correlation between obesity and inflammation markers?  Not only is there more stress on the joints, but fat cells themselves cause a release of inflammatory markers around the fat cells creating an adverse environment to losing weight. 

The latest “buzz word” is beets.  Even Dr. Oz proclaims that red is the “new green.”  Whether you do or do not like beets will not be an issue as the capsule is tiny and easy to swallow.   In addition, you will receive the benefits of eating 500 beets to get the amount of betalain nutrition in only one Limitless capsule but NO sugar. 

Jon and I have been taking this product for almost two years now, and we will continue with Limitless as part of our daily routine just like taking our vitamin D3 tablet.  There is a 100% money back guarantee if you try this product for 84 days.   We are all about helping people be the best they can be physically and mentally in order to have a high quality of life, and it starts with acknowledging chronic inflammation is a huge problem for all of us at any age.

Here’s to a healthy week.  Message me back if you’d like more information about Limitless.  For those of you who are already taking Limitless, I celebrate your focus on your own health now and in the future!!

Is there an angel inside you?

Did you take some time this past week to sit down, in a quiet space, and write YOUR personal philosophy?   Granted, without small children demanding my time, I was able to actually find that quiet space.  Although for many of you, who do have those little ones needing you and pulling at your time demands, I would contend that THIS is important for not only you but those little ones.  Knowing yourself and what you believe in is going to be reflected in all that you do.  If you didn't get that chance this past week, take time this week.  

I found the process to be incredibly insightful with some things clear and others made my list that I hadn’t previously verbalized.  I knew, and I wrote it down, that I wanted to be a significant influence and role model especially to my children and grandchildren.  I wanted them to see me “walk my talk.”  The surprise was that I realized I have begun to only judge myself and my actions when I would ask myself the question, “Is this a reflection of God’s image?” That’s now on my list.  My day begins by reading my six principles along with all my gratitude’s.

For me, things are never by chance.  I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and at the right time.  I may not always agree that the timing is right, but I do believe the timing is right according to God’s time.  I have just finished reading two extremely powerful books by Chris Widener.  The one I'm reflecting on today is called The Angel Inside.  “Coincidentally”, I read this book while reflecting on my personal philosophy.”  

Chris’s book is a book to read over and over again as I found many discoveries the first time through and even more the second.  His style is to weave a life lesson into a storyline that makes the reading easy and relatable.  “According to legend, when a young boy asked the great Renaissance artist Michelangelo why he was working so hard hitting the block of marble that would eventually become his greatest sculpture, David, the artist replied, ‘Young man, there is an angel inside this rock, and I am setting him free’…Chris Widener uses Michelangelo’s words to explore the hidden potential that exists within us all.”

As the story reveals the various lessons, readers begin to learn what Michelangelo’s  work can teach all of us – “the power of following your passion.”

Among the lessons learned include:

*The beauty is in the details

*Your hand creates what your mind conceives

*Every great accomplishment starts with a single swift action

*No one begins by creating the Sistine Chapel

If you want to find true meaning in your work and life, reading The Angel Inside will help you design your personal philosophy AND find that angel inside that is YOU.  Your assignment this week, if you choose to accept this challenge, is to read this book.  I would love to hear your thoughts and reflections.

 

It has been a glorious few weeks of fall here in Colorado.  Blue skies, cool mornings, in the 70’s during the day, and the trees still brilliant with color.  I wish you a fantastic week.

Do you have a personal philosophy?

Do you have a personal philosophy?  You probably do, however, until we can put words to what that is exactly, how can we proceed with purpose in our lives?  What generally happens is we think we know what we want, we set our goals and hopefully even write them down, and then we take action.  If we get a roadblock, or we sway from the original path, how will we find our way unless we understand our personal philosophy?  For me, I had an intrinsic feeling of what I was meant to do; however, it wasn't concrete in my mind.  After reading an excerpt from Dr. Phil last week, I began to think about my own personal philosophy.  What exactly is that philosophy?  What do I, as an individual, stand for?

“’The way you do anything is the way you do everything’ and how it applies to life,” became Dr. Phil’s personal philosophy.   Whether or not this resonates with you, take the premise that a personal philosophy is necessary, read these thoughts, and come up with a philosophy that fits YOU.  I recognize many of you will respond with such thoughts as:  Here we go, one more thing I'm supposed to do when I already don’t have time.  Is this really that important? I’m doing just fine, thank you very much.  I already know my personal philosophy; I know it but it’s hard to explain.”  Etc. etc.  I would suggest this may be one of THE most important activities you put on your “to do” list for this week.

“For many of us, the way we do anything is the way we do everything.”  Dr. Phil suggests taking a look at the areas of our lives that could use some improvement.  “Is your credit score the pits because you don't pay your bills on time?  Think about how that neglect could be showing up in your relationships.  Are you just going through the motions at work?  If so, chances are you're just going through the motions, period.  As I have learned, the good news is – it’s never too late to change no matter how small the change.  If anything is going to change it’s definitely up to me, and no one else.  As Darren Hardy repeatedly speaks to in his book, The Compound Effect, it’s the “principle of reaping huge rewards from a series of small, smart choices.”  It’s interesting to me that what both Darren Hardy and Dr. Phil are speaking to is that the individual steps along the way, don’t “feel” very significant but may have massive results.  It may be as simple as wanting to take better care of your health and lose a few pounds, but you realize you're snacking throughout the day.   “Once you pay attention to the things in your life that need tending, you'll make it a priority to tend to yourself.”

So how do I get started?  First of all, building on a personal philosophy to guide all areas of my life must be a priority.  That’s the foundation I now build everything on, and that foundation needs to be strong.  Next, I must come up with what’s really important to me.  I have to say that at age 62 it would be easy to “blow this self-development stuff” out the window.  I've “already lived my life” so why should I spend time on developing a personal philosophy now? According to Dr. Phil, “You have a philosophy, even if you're not conscious of it; everybody does….you need to be able to clearly articulate your own guiding principle.”  Hmmm, if that’s the case, I need to examine what it is that I stand for at this point in my life.  I still have a lot of living to do.  :)

In reflecting over my life, I have begun to see some patterns. With this nudge to articulate the things I have unconsciously based my life on to this point, I am now focusing on articulating those things on a conscious level.  After taking some time to think, reflect, and examine my actions, my feelings, my choices, etc. I am beginning to create a true path of focused awareness.  My personal philosophy has begun now on a conscious level.  Again from Dr. Phil, “The next step is to live by it with every choice you make.  After all, you don't become a champion by winning the Super Bowl; you become a champion by practicing.  And remember: If you don’t live your life as if everything matters, you’ll never become everything you’re meant to be.” 

You may be in your 20’s, 30’s or older.  You may be male or female; formally educated or not, single or married, parent or not…it doesn’t matter.  If you take the attitude that God has given you this life then I would propose that He is waiting for you to actively and consciously participate in your life.  No excuses.

These blogs have been my personal journey of learning and growing on a daily basis.  I come away with an even truer sense of who I am as a person and feel much more content with myself and my life.  I only hope that in reading these, YOU will gain YOUR own sense of who YOU are, that YOU will create YOUR own personal philosophy for YOUR journey in this beautiful life.

I wish you an awesome week of joy, reflection, and FUN!     

Our Greatest Battles

“The greatest battles you will ever fight are with yourself, and you must always be your toughest opponent.” 

Excuse.  Exactly what is the definition of the word excuse?  According to the dictionary; excuse is, “an attempt to lessen the blame, to seek to defend or justify; a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense.”  How often do we “battle” within ourselves trying to justify or defend an action we took, a conversation we had that didn't go well, or a conflict etc. etc.?  How does that conversation go in your head?  I know, for me, my first tendency is to point the finger at someone or something else – an excuse, a justification for my actions or words.  But then again, Jim Rohn, says that for every finger pointing outward there are three pointing back.  Hmm.  My first “take” on my excuse or justification is I had a reason to react or respond in a particular way.  I don’t want others to think I’m weak, I need to be able to stand up for myself or people will take advantage of me, I should be better at getting my point across etc.  Sound familiar? Yes, a “battle” I fight within myself.

Maybe its age, but I also think a lot of my thought processing changes are due to personal development and learning more.  As I've written about before, situations are my own judgment and rather than putting a right/wrong or good/bad label on things I need to learn to accept others as they are, but also accept and celebrate ME for who I am.  Does that mean I give in and change my position?  Absolutely not.  Instead I can stand on my position and equally respect someone else’s position.  I may try to understand where they are coming from, but I don’t necessarily need to agree.  I did that for too many years.  I am naturally a people pleaser, and I did feel intimidated around some people and situations.  I am an intrinsic “feeler.”  I “know” when something doesn't feel “right.”  I don’t often have facts to back up my perception.  In the classroom, when I didn't think something was “right” with a student, but I couldn't identify the specifics, I would call in an incredible special needs team, and they would test or have another set of eyes.  99% of the time, I was right on, something was amiss.  Then we could move forward with a plan to support the student. 

It wasn't until I was out of the classroom and through some self-development workshops did I come to realize my strengths and be comfortable with them therefore, also becoming more comfortable with me.  My strengths are intrinsically “knowing” how people are feeling, I watch the nonverbal body language, I can “tell” when things are right or something is wrong. No specifics just a feeling. However, I grew up with a trial attorney father who relied on facts as that was his profession.  I was told my feelings didn't count, what were the facts?  I remember at age 16 telling him that I always felt like I was on the witness stand.  It was a new revelation for him, but as he said, that’s all he knew.  I can appreciate that now, but not at 16. 

Later in life, I would experience situations where people were quoting from a book or some documentation.  The facts and quotes “rolled off their tongue,” and all I had were my feelings on the subject.  I had also read and heard information but my strength was not to recall those facts but to interpret them in my intrinsic way.  I tried for many years to be like the others who were fact oriented, but I eventually got to the place where I didn't feel adequate, I couldn't “compete” on the same level, I wasn't smart enough, (internal talk) so I just wouldn't participate in discussions.   Here was my need to be accepted coming out “in spades” as well as my conflict avoidance.  At one point, I did think two people should be able to agree to disagree, we could meet in the middle, respecting one another’s opinions/views and move on. That may be the case for some people; however, for me I was met with the “fact people” not “hearing” my thoughts and opinions. Their focus was only to convince me to their way of thinking, through facts, and deny my feelings. 

So what has changed for me?  First and foremost, I now embrace who I am, what my skill set is, and celebrate other’s strengths that are different than mine.  I did use excuses before.  I did try to justify my actions. But that was without really understanding what the differences were and how I was and am a valuable person in my own right.  I learned to listen, to acknowledge and celebrate someone else’s thoughts and views different than my own, thank them for those thoughts and views, but now add, I don’t happen to agree and that’s ok.”  I learned to use the “broken record” strategy with my adult conversations just like I had used the “broken record” when talking with my children or my students.  I quit trying to convince someone that my way was the right way.  When I was doing that, I was essentially doing what I complained others were doing to me. I am much better now at accepting differences, letting those differences just “be” and avoid convincing someone that I have all the answers.  I can share my experiences, hope there is something that will resonant with them, but that’s all I have control over - me .  I come away with an even truer sense of who I am as a person and feel much more content with myself and my life.  Comparisons are still difficult, self-judgment is still there, but the difference is I now recognize those thoughts and can let them go.  (Thank you, once again, Jim Britt.)

So yes, “The greatest battles you will ever fight are with yourself, and you must always be your toughest opponent.”   That's also called growth.  

This blog began after reading an excerpt from Dr. Phil about the “first steps to making meaningful change in your life.”  That’s for next week.  Thank you for reading my blogs, I hope I give you something to think about and reflect on in your life, and always welcome your feedback.  It’s a beautiful fall day, and I’m feeling extremely blessed.  Have a wonderful week.

Do You Need Acceptance from Others?

Acceptance?  Control?  Or Both?

I keep coming back to the above three questions, and I felt a need to repeat this blog from the spring.

I have always thought “conversations” are interesting.  Is it a give and take?  One sided?  Thought provoking?  Energizing? Of course, it depends on the situation and the people involved, but this week I would encourage you to listen to the conversations you have with others and pay attention to the voices going on in your head.  Are you really listening to what’s being said, or are you thinking about what you’re going to say next?  Do you find yourself asking questions to learn more, or do you have a similar story so the conversation once again comes back to you?

I have been in several larger social settings lately and have found it fascinating to pay attention to how others communicate as well as my own communication style.  With some people, I come away from the conversation feeling as though I’d learned so much about the person or a particular topic, I focused on asking more questions, it was a give and takes conversation, and it was an interesting.  I felt a renewed energy and appreciation for the person.  Then there were other “conversations” where it was definitely one sided.  Often times it was more of a “dumping baggage” session.  The “take away” for me was I was bored, I wanted to get away from what I perceived as a toxic environment, and I definitely wasn't energized.  Are there times when people need to feel safe and just "dump?" Of course!  That's part of being a friend.  For me, what's the balance?  Am I always the one being "dumped" on?  Or are there also the learning and growing conversations?

In the past, I know I was guilty of having a comeback story of a similar situation, however, now I’m focused and present on NOT doing that unless it really is relevant.  I also know that when I was in a conversation with someone where our opinions were different, I either thought I had to change their mind to the “right” way of thinking.  Or I would be silent for “fear” of looking stupid as I didn't feel adequate in “arguing a point ”as eloquently as others.  After listening to Jim Britt again, he asks the question, “Is this my need for acceptance?  Maybe it’s my need for control?  Or, then again, maybe it’s both?  First and foremost, MY opinion or judgment – good, bad, right, wrong – is just that, MINE.  No one else’s.  And that’s ok.  I don’t need to have other’s agree with me to be validated.  The bottom line is that the only person I can control is me. 

So how does this apply to the everyday conversation with family, friends, acquaintances, or even an occasional new person? Jim talks a lot about paying attention to our feelings when we’re in conversations.  If I find myself feeling defensive, feeling a lack of self-esteem or inadequacy etc., I now pause to ask myself the three questions:  “Is this my need to be accepted?  Is this my need to be in control? Or is it both?”  Once I realize what’s going on internally, the conversation takes on a whole new focus.  I become more question oriented, or I choose to just listen without feeling a need to respond. I’m also comfortable with giving my thoughts and opinions as just that – this is how I feel/think, and I am ok with how you feel/think.  It’s not even an “agree to disagree,” “meet in the middle” etc.   I now come away with a more peaceful mind and a true acceptance for who I am.  I am no longer “married” to one way, I am more willing to listen and learn, I’m more open to listening to others, taking in what works for me and what doesn't.  I can now "let go" more easily. In addition, I'm much more content with who I am without needing the acceptance of others or feeling as though I need to change someone else’s opinion, belief, or thought.  I am who I am, and they are who they are. And that's ok.

None of this happened overnight.  I have come to this thinking over time.  I have found myself, even now, where I do get caught up in trying to convince someone to think my way especially if I’m passionate about the topic. These changes are definitely why we call life a journey.  The key?  We’re never too old to learn, grow, and change.  It takes a commitment to want to learn and grow as an individual.  That means reading, listening to CD’s, or whatever way you learn the best.  I happen to be 62, however, many younger people are focusing on their personal development much earlier.  Any reading about leadership or success includes a top priority to work on ourselves first. Is self development a priority to you or do you use "I have no time" as an excuse?

I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on how you communicate and your reflections.  Have a wonderful beginning of fall!

Do You Know About Baby Sign Language?

When our first grandchild, Sophia, was around seven months, Amanda asked if I was interested in joining them at baby sign language classes.  I had never heard of something like this before, so I was definitely interested in learning more and of course, it’s my grandchild!  Jon’s reaction, on the other hand, was quite different.  “What a scam.  You get a first time mother and the grandmother to buy a class on sign language?  It’s a rip off as far as I can see.”  Then he would proceed to go into his own “signing” which was just waving his arms and mocking the process.    (More on that later.)  Over a period of about 8 weeks, I was able to attend several classes, and I began to understand the power of this form of communication for babies and toddlers who were “pre-verbal” communicators.

The instructor taught the class by introducing basic signs with an example accompanied with the “word.”  Our basic human needs such as hungry, thirsty, and more were the first signs presented.  Parents begin to introduce these signs and they use the word and the sign simultaneously over and over.  It may be 9 months or so when the child begins to sign in return, however, they've been learning by watching for quite some time already.  Once the first three signs are learned, then more can be introduced.  The goal is to teach our little ones how to get their needs met long before they can verbalize and with fewer crying episodes.  EVERYONE is less frustrated.  

When the child can communicate in a successful way, we avoid the tantrums and melt downs much more!!  The child is more engaged, shares, is more curious and asks questions etc. etc.  The instructor told the story of her then 18 month old daughter sitting in her high chair watching Mom iron, and signed “What is that?”  How many of us would have believed that an 18 month old would even ask the question in the first place let alone be curious about it?  So Mom had a conversation about what an iron is and what she was doing.  These conversations take place all the time now when the toddler can ask a question by signing “what’s that?” or specifically ask for help with something by signing “help.”  The brains of our young ones are going all the time and are like sponges.  It’s amazing, exciting, and POWERFUL what they can learn when they have a way to communicate and the adults around them can actually understand them. 

There are numerous studies out now which show sign language with babies boosts brain development.  Important developmental benefits include:  children speaking earlier and having a larger vocabulary unlike the misconception that sign language stunts a child’s language development.  There is much more of a “conversation” with children since we realize now how much they understand and how many questions they ask.  The studies further contend there is a 12 point IQ advantage over their peers, and teachers observe the children who have used signed language are talking in full sentences whereas others of the same age either resort to pointing, grunting, or speaking using 3-4 words.  It’s such fun when they sign, “What’s that?” which is followed by a conversation.  You can just “see the wheels spinning.” 

Back to Jon.  Sophia was at our house along with our daughter, her husband, and their dog.  The dog was chewing on a bone.  Sophia, who was probably around a year, signed “dog – eat.”  Yes, Sophia, the dog is chewing on a bone.  She then proceeded to the cats’ food bowl.  She signed “cat – eat.”  Yes, that’s the kitty’s food.  The clincher then was Sophia taking Poppa’s hand and signed fish.  Not knowing what she wanted, he was informed that she wanted to go feed the fish.  Sophia knew where the fish were and that Poppa is the one who feeds them.  At this point, Jon now needs to learn how to sign “eat crow.”  J  And, I will say, he is now THE biggest advocate for children signing and is the first to tell any new parent or grandparent that they need to be sure to teach baby sign language.  We have seen it work over and over again with all five of the older grandchildren and Nyelle, at only 4 ½ months, will also be taught when it’s time. 

Not only for the parents but also for grandparents, understanding the various signs is easy, fun, and helps ease everyone’s  frustration.  I recall one time when we were babysitting Bria who was probably about 16 months at the time.  She woke up crying, early in the morning, so I did the usual of changing her diaper and giving her another bottle.  However, she continued to cry after the bottle.  Now what?  I signed “eat,” and she nodded her head yes.  I gave her a little cereal bar, she ate the whole thing, was now ready to go back to bed, and fell right asleep.  Really?  Only because I knew a few signs was I able to figure out what she wanted which eliminated the crying and my anxiety.  

Signing “more” is a wonderful concept for the children to communicate when they’re still hungry.  THEY decide NOT the adult.  When they’re finished “all done” comes in very handy.  These signs are also beneficial when you’re playing a game, reading a book, or any activity.  Zane and Teagan are particularly good at signing “more” when they’re swinging.  J  What great skills for very young children to learn.  When it comes to eating or needing a drink, they are already listening to their body’s needs, they’re making choices – do you want milk or water?  The child is in control and as the parent or grandparent we’re not guessing what they need or want.  Sign language is a powerful tool for our pre-verbal children to use to communicate!!

In addition to the signs: eat, milk, water, more, all done, all of our children have taught our grandchildren manners!  Yes, manners.  They have all learned to sign “please” and “thank you.”  I LOVE IT!!  In fact, the grandchildren are sometimes much better about it than the adults.  The other common courtesy is to not leave the table until everyone is finished eating.  Therefore, the routine is to go around the table and ask each person if he/she is done.  When asked, we each give the “all done” sign, or if we’re still eating everyone waits.  It’s priceless. 

If you’re interested in learning more you can get on line and Google “baby sign language.”  You don’t have to take a class, as there are also books, CD’s, and videos to teach you. 

Have a wonderful week!

In light of the Ray Rice video showing the assault on his then fiancé and now wife, I felt a need to understand more about the topic of domestic violence.  To be clear, these are my personal reflections and what I've learned online. I have not had to deal with this issue personally.  As difficult as the video is to watch, it has brought to the forefront the issue of domestic abuse.  Robin Gibbons, married to Mike Tyson for 8 months, shared an intimate interview on the Today Show.  As she stated, “a video would have helped bring attention to my domestic violence situation much quicker as I was being dragged down a hallway by my hair.”  Statistics point to most situations of domestic violence goes on “behind closed doors” but now we have a vivid picture through video. As the interview continued, Robin stated that this is a “watershed moment” in discussion about domestic violence as it will help other women just to be believed.  Social media has also changed the way we view these types of relationships.”

As we all probably could speculate, the consequences of domestic violence are many and can continue from generation to generation.  Statistics show that one in four women will experience domestic violence, and more than four million physical assaults and rapes are because of their partners.  The greatest risk of becoming a victim are women in the age group of 20-24, and this happens across all socioeconomic, racial, and educational lines.  Every year more than three million children witness domestic violence in their homes.  There is a 30-60% chance for children living in these homes to also suffer abuse and/or neglect.  According to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, “domestic violence is the third leading cause of homelessness among families. Other consequences of domestic violence include: poor health for many survivors both physically and emotionally, among women brought to an emergency room due to domestic violence most were socially isolated and had fewer social and financial resources than other women not injured due to domestic violence.  Without help, girls who witness domestic violence are more vulnerable to be abused as teens and adults.  And, without help, boys who witness domestic violence are far more likely to become abusers of their partners and/or children as adults, thus continuing the cycle of abuse and violence in the next generation.”

Twenty years ago, Congress passed the Violence Against Women Act, and in those years, domestic violence has been dramatically reduced.  But the problem is far from solved.  Judy Woodruff from PBS Newshour spoke with Esta Soler of Futures Without Violence, about what it will take to end abuse despite the fact that some progress has been made.   “Since the Violence Against Women Act was passed, there has been a comprehensive response from law enforcement, from the judiciary, coming together basically creating a support system and a prosecutorial system that holds people accountable.”  Soler believes that, “this violence is preventable.  I think it’s learned, and if it’s learned, it can be unlearned….We need to do way more for our young people, because, at the end of the day, you can give people tools to have healthy relationships.  If you have seen it, if you have witnessed it in your home, you need to unlearn it.”  Esta continues, “the most important thing is, if you can, get somebody to support you, speak out and believe there is a better way….too many people think there’s a reason why they should stay in a situation.  They might be afraid.  They might think that, oh, my God, what am I going to do for our kids?  But at the end of the day, that’s not going to stop the violence.  

“What are some solutions then?  Many women feel they need the financial support of the abuser.  So programs that really empower women economically are absolutely essential in my opinion,” stated Esta Stoler.  Women need to have options to choose a different life.”  In addition, when a young girl becomes pregnant, has to drop out of school, she has no education and is now dependent on others for her own and her child’s survival.  Education is another essential piece.  Socially, we need to change the norms.  It’s critical that the social norm clearly states that there is NO EXCUSE for domestic violence.  

CBS’s Sports host James Brown, “made a passionate case for men to play a bigger role in helping prevent domestic violence in the wake of the release of the Rice video.  “Let’s be clear, this problem is bigger than football.  But wouldn't it be productive if this collective outrage could be channeled to truly hear and address the long-suffering cries for help by so many women and do something about it?... Like an ongoing, comprehensive education of men about what healthy, respectful manhood is all about.”   “And it starts with how we view women.  Our language is important.  For instance, when a guy says, ‘You throw like a girl’ or ‘You’re a little sissy,’ it reflects an attitude that devalues women and attitudes will eventually manifest in some fashion.”  Brown continues, “So this is yet another call to men to stand up and take responsibility for their thoughts, their words, their deeds and…to give help or to get help because our silence is deafening and deadly.”   

WSCADV Director of Communications Kelly Starr said, “One of the things that gives power to domestic violence is silence and so when we’re all talking about it and the public is engaged in conversation, to me that is so hopeful.”  The coalition said, “the best way to help prevent domestic violence is to stop it before it starts.”  So what does that look like?  A dear friend, former CU basketball player, NBA player, and now father of a beautiful three-year-old daughter stated this past weekend that he will make sure his daughter grows up feeling valued, she’ll be educated, she’ll learn the value of money, but most of all she will have a sense of self-esteem and who she is as a woman.  With that feeling and mindset, she will never allow a man to treat her any way but special and valued.  Part of “making sure” this happens is this same man is also modeling that respect and value towards his wife.  We can all do that with those in our lives that we love and care about.  We can be a part of the solution!

“Self-esteem comes from positive self-imaging, and it’s something we proactively should be able to build for ourselves from a very early age.  When we leave it up to external factors like the presence of domestic violence in our homes, we build our self-esteem on sandy ground.  What we want is a rock-solid foundation, and this only comes from building within.”  The way we view ourselves directly affects everything we do.  I've written many blogs on “putting the oxygen mask on ourselves first,” to love ourselves first and foremost, and then we can give and love others.  “Women young and old who love themselves and are confident are better able to thrive and have a lasting impact on the communities around them.  By learning how to love themselves, being educated on money issues, having a meaningful job, trade etc., all women will be better able to make good decisions and command respect from others.  http://rebuildingrespectforwomen.org 

What can each of us do, on a daily basis, to not only build up ourselves as a man or a woman but also influence every other male and female in our lives?”  Let’s not let this topic “die out” because it’s no longer prevalent in the media.  WE need to each take responsibility to make a difference!