In light of the Ray Rice video showing the assault on his then fiancé and now wife, I felt a need to understand more about the topic of domestic violence.  To be clear, these are my personal reflections and what I've learned online. I have not had to deal with this issue personally.  As difficult as the video is to watch, it has brought to the forefront the issue of domestic abuse.  Robin Gibbons, married to Mike Tyson for 8 months, shared an intimate interview on the Today Show.  As she stated, “a video would have helped bring attention to my domestic violence situation much quicker as I was being dragged down a hallway by my hair.”  Statistics point to most situations of domestic violence goes on “behind closed doors” but now we have a vivid picture through video. As the interview continued, Robin stated that this is a “watershed moment” in discussion about domestic violence as it will help other women just to be believed.  Social media has also changed the way we view these types of relationships.”

As we all probably could speculate, the consequences of domestic violence are many and can continue from generation to generation.  Statistics show that one in four women will experience domestic violence, and more than four million physical assaults and rapes are because of their partners.  The greatest risk of becoming a victim are women in the age group of 20-24, and this happens across all socioeconomic, racial, and educational lines.  Every year more than three million children witness domestic violence in their homes.  There is a 30-60% chance for children living in these homes to also suffer abuse and/or neglect.  According to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, “domestic violence is the third leading cause of homelessness among families. Other consequences of domestic violence include: poor health for many survivors both physically and emotionally, among women brought to an emergency room due to domestic violence most were socially isolated and had fewer social and financial resources than other women not injured due to domestic violence.  Without help, girls who witness domestic violence are more vulnerable to be abused as teens and adults.  And, without help, boys who witness domestic violence are far more likely to become abusers of their partners and/or children as adults, thus continuing the cycle of abuse and violence in the next generation.”

Twenty years ago, Congress passed the Violence Against Women Act, and in those years, domestic violence has been dramatically reduced.  But the problem is far from solved.  Judy Woodruff from PBS Newshour spoke with Esta Soler of Futures Without Violence, about what it will take to end abuse despite the fact that some progress has been made.   “Since the Violence Against Women Act was passed, there has been a comprehensive response from law enforcement, from the judiciary, coming together basically creating a support system and a prosecutorial system that holds people accountable.”  Soler believes that, “this violence is preventable.  I think it’s learned, and if it’s learned, it can be unlearned….We need to do way more for our young people, because, at the end of the day, you can give people tools to have healthy relationships.  If you have seen it, if you have witnessed it in your home, you need to unlearn it.”  Esta continues, “the most important thing is, if you can, get somebody to support you, speak out and believe there is a better way….too many people think there’s a reason why they should stay in a situation.  They might be afraid.  They might think that, oh, my God, what am I going to do for our kids?  But at the end of the day, that’s not going to stop the violence.  

“What are some solutions then?  Many women feel they need the financial support of the abuser.  So programs that really empower women economically are absolutely essential in my opinion,” stated Esta Stoler.  Women need to have options to choose a different life.”  In addition, when a young girl becomes pregnant, has to drop out of school, she has no education and is now dependent on others for her own and her child’s survival.  Education is another essential piece.  Socially, we need to change the norms.  It’s critical that the social norm clearly states that there is NO EXCUSE for domestic violence.  

CBS’s Sports host James Brown, “made a passionate case for men to play a bigger role in helping prevent domestic violence in the wake of the release of the Rice video.  “Let’s be clear, this problem is bigger than football.  But wouldn't it be productive if this collective outrage could be channeled to truly hear and address the long-suffering cries for help by so many women and do something about it?... Like an ongoing, comprehensive education of men about what healthy, respectful manhood is all about.”   “And it starts with how we view women.  Our language is important.  For instance, when a guy says, ‘You throw like a girl’ or ‘You’re a little sissy,’ it reflects an attitude that devalues women and attitudes will eventually manifest in some fashion.”  Brown continues, “So this is yet another call to men to stand up and take responsibility for their thoughts, their words, their deeds and…to give help or to get help because our silence is deafening and deadly.”   

WSCADV Director of Communications Kelly Starr said, “One of the things that gives power to domestic violence is silence and so when we’re all talking about it and the public is engaged in conversation, to me that is so hopeful.”  The coalition said, “the best way to help prevent domestic violence is to stop it before it starts.”  So what does that look like?  A dear friend, former CU basketball player, NBA player, and now father of a beautiful three-year-old daughter stated this past weekend that he will make sure his daughter grows up feeling valued, she’ll be educated, she’ll learn the value of money, but most of all she will have a sense of self-esteem and who she is as a woman.  With that feeling and mindset, she will never allow a man to treat her any way but special and valued.  Part of “making sure” this happens is this same man is also modeling that respect and value towards his wife.  We can all do that with those in our lives that we love and care about.  We can be a part of the solution!

“Self-esteem comes from positive self-imaging, and it’s something we proactively should be able to build for ourselves from a very early age.  When we leave it up to external factors like the presence of domestic violence in our homes, we build our self-esteem on sandy ground.  What we want is a rock-solid foundation, and this only comes from building within.”  The way we view ourselves directly affects everything we do.  I've written many blogs on “putting the oxygen mask on ourselves first,” to love ourselves first and foremost, and then we can give and love others.  “Women young and old who love themselves and are confident are better able to thrive and have a lasting impact on the communities around them.  By learning how to love themselves, being educated on money issues, having a meaningful job, trade etc., all women will be better able to make good decisions and command respect from others.  http://rebuildingrespectforwomen.org 

What can each of us do, on a daily basis, to not only build up ourselves as a man or a woman but also influence every other male and female in our lives?”  Let’s not let this topic “die out” because it’s no longer prevalent in the media.  WE need to each take responsibility to make a difference!