Acceptance? Control? Or Both?
I keep coming back to the above three questions, and I felt a need to repeat this blog from the spring.
I have always thought “conversations” are
interesting. Is it a give and take? One sided?
Thought provoking? Energizing? Of
course, it depends on the situation and the people involved, but this week I
would encourage you to listen to the conversations you have with others and pay
attention to the voices going on in your head.
Are you really listening to what’s being said, or are you thinking about
what you’re going to say next? Do you
find yourself asking questions to learn more, or do you have a similar story so
the conversation once again comes back to you?
I have been in several larger social settings lately and
have found it fascinating to pay attention to how others communicate as well as
my own communication style. With some
people, I come away from the conversation feeling as though I’d learned so much
about the person or a particular topic, I focused on asking more questions, it was a give and takes conversation, and
it was an interesting. I felt
a renewed energy and appreciation for the person. Then there were other “conversations” where
it was definitely one sided. Often times
it was more of a “dumping baggage” session.
The “take away” for me was I was bored, I wanted to get away from what I
perceived as a toxic environment, and I definitely wasn't energized. Are there times when people need to feel safe and just "dump?" Of course! That's part of being a friend. For me, what's the balance? Am I always the one being "dumped" on? Or are there also the learning and growing conversations?
In the past, I know I was guilty of having a comeback
story of a similar situation, however, now I’m focused and present on NOT doing
that unless it really is relevant. I
also know that when I was in a conversation with someone where our opinions
were different, I either thought I had to change their mind to the “right” way
of thinking. Or I would
be silent for “fear” of looking stupid as I didn't feel adequate in “arguing a
point ”as eloquently as others. After
listening to Jim Britt again, he asks the question, “Is this my need for
acceptance? Maybe it’s my need for
control? Or, then again, maybe it’s
both? First and foremost, MY opinion or judgment
– good, bad, right, wrong – is just that, MINE.
No one else’s. And that’s
ok. I don’t need to have other’s agree with
me to be validated. The bottom line is that the only
person I can control is me.
So how does this apply to the everyday conversation with
family, friends, acquaintances, or even an occasional new person? Jim talks a
lot about paying attention to our feelings when we’re in conversations. If I find myself feeling defensive, feeling a
lack of self-esteem or inadequacy etc., I now pause to ask myself the three
questions: “Is this my need to be
accepted? Is this my need to be in
control? Or is it both?” Once I realize
what’s going on internally, the conversation takes on a whole new focus. I become more question oriented, or I choose
to just listen without feeling a need to respond. I’m also comfortable with
giving my thoughts and opinions as just that – this is how I feel/think, and I
am ok with how you feel/think. It’s not
even an “agree to disagree,” “meet in the middle” etc. I now come
away with a more peaceful mind and a true acceptance for who I am. I am no longer “married” to one way, I am
more willing to listen and learn, I’m more open to listening to others, taking
in what works for me and what doesn't. I can now "let go" more easily. In addition, I'm much more content with who I am without needing the acceptance of others
or feeling as though I need to change someone else’s opinion, belief, or
thought. I am who I am, and they are who
they are. And that's ok.
None of this happened overnight. I have come to this thinking over time. I have found myself, even now, where I do get
caught up in trying to convince someone to think my way especially if I’m
passionate about the topic. These changes are definitely why we call life a
journey. The key? We’re never too old to learn, grow, and
change. It takes a commitment to want to
learn and grow as an individual. That
means reading, listening to CD’s, or whatever way you learn the best. I happen to be 62, however, many younger people are focusing on their personal development much earlier. Any reading about leadership or success includes a top priority to work on ourselves first. Is self development a priority to you or do you use "I have no time" as an excuse?
I would be interested in hearing your thoughts
on how you communicate and your reflections. Have a wonderful beginning of fall!
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