INFLUENCERS

Last week I wished you a week of self-reflection. I also hope you took the time to watch Larry Elder in this video. There’s a lot to think about when it comes to labeling people which affects our perceptions of them as a person.

Recently, I have been aware of how many of us are more worried about what others will think of us when we say or do something. Unfortunately, that just takes away our focus on what our true self is all about.

This past weekend, we were in Illinois and attended a fantastic get together that was kicked off with a mini skit with a Mash theme. (Remember the TV show Mash that took place during the Korean War?) The hostess welcomed everyone, had a personal tribute to all the Veterans in the audience, of which there were many, and gave a special tribute to her father who was the only Korean War vet present. It was beautiful. Later, however, she was worried that singling out her dad was offensive to some.

My question was how did her dad feel about the tribute? Answer… He was very pleased. Then yes, this was the right thing to do. My next question is… if others had said, before hand, that they would be offended would she still have said what she said or not?

We all went through MANY years of being “politically correct” and yet in certain “circles” we knew we could say what was true to our heart. We are now being bombarded by opposing views on social media, on TV, in many newspapers and magazines. For me when I went to college, I began to formulate my own beliefs and opinions because I was exposed to a variety of belief structures. Yet, today, in my opinion, our young people are getting only one side, some have been penalized by professors for differing views, and there have been attacks both verbally and physically to others.

At my age now, I know I have changed some of my positions on various topics and others are nonnegotiable. I also know that in the past I was more worried about what people would think of me, and yes, I kept quiet at times but I knew I also was not being true to who I was as a person.

I remember Jim Britt, talking about control and acceptance. The question came down to… did I want control, did I want acceptance or did I want both? Hmmm…that’s a good one to contemplate. By quietly asking myself what I was truly looking for, it allowed me a brief moment to step back and reflect on my motive. When I was younger, it was definitely wanting acceptance. When I was out of school and in my teaching career, often it was both wanting to be in control AND wanting to be accepted.

I look around at the young athletes on Jason’s football team, I talk with the young people on our WV team, I talk with other adults in a variety of settings and the topic of toxic people seems to come up again and again. These are the people who have no desire to listen nor have a dialog with differing views. These are the people who are critical of anything different from what they think and are also the same ones who will never be your cheerleader for your dreams and goals. In fact, they are the opposite. They will be the dream stealers. They live their lives “below the line” with constantly blaming, complaining, and defending their actions. There is no personal development to learn and grow.

I was recently rereading a wonderful book, 12 Pillars by Jim Rohn and Chris Widener. In chapter 6, there was another reminder that people in our lives have an amazing power to influence us. For me it doesn’t matter whether you are still in high school, college, early in your career, or in retirement. It doesn’t matter whether you are single, married, divorced, in a relationship whether you are with or without children, my question to you is are you being true to yourself with your thoughts and actions or are you more concerned about having control and/or being accepted? How much influence do others really have in your life?

Ask yourself the following questions:

Who am I around?

What effect are they having on me?

What have they got me reading? Listening to? Watching?

What do they have me thinking? Saying?

Where do they have me going?

Most important, what do they have me becoming?

Then ask yourself….Is that ok?

Our attitudes are greatly shaped by who influences us and who we associate with.

If you join an easy crowd, you won’t grow. Are you looking for something easy or are you going to go where the expectations and demands to perform are high? Don’t you really want to surround yourself with successful people who exhibit and live consistently to the values and skills that you want to acquire and develop?

If you reflect on your life at whatever age you are right now; haven’t you had opportunities where you could have developed new relationships? YOU STILL CAN! “Successful people look for relationships with other successful people who will push them, challenge them, and encourage them to become better.” Mentors and coaches are the people who are there to support you, to push you, because they know what it takes. They have lived it and continue to live it. They have experience. An open mind will absorb all the words of wisdom whether they totally understand it at the time or not.

Of course, when you are trying to be the best that you can be, you will be a threat to those who are comfortable to only blame, complain, and defend their actions. They will be the toxic voices trying to get you to join them in their B,C,D mentality. The more they push, the more you know they are threatened by your focus and desire to move ahead in your life.

“Leaving people behind is hard. Life is a long journey, and we meet people all along the way. Some of those people will go the whole journey with us. Some will only take potions of the journey with us. Some will join us for a long time. Others will come and go. Now, imagine if you were on a trip and someone started out with you, but wasn’t much help. Would you want them to continue the journey with you? Of course not. We have the freedom-and the responsibility-to determine who we associate with, and that will have a big impact on how well our journey goes.”

“We will all suffer from two pains; the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The pain of discipline weighs ounces. The pain of regret weighs tons.”

I wish you a week of reflecting on who you are associating with, and therefore who is also influencing you? Take the time to reflect on whether your words and actions are truly coming from your heart OR are they because you are wanting control, acceptance, or both?

Who's the Greatest Hero in Your Life?

Last week, I wished you a week of taking JUST A MINUTE. Did you take the time to list 10 things that bring you happiness? If you haven’t done that yet, do it NOW.

In the past, I have shared several pieces of learning and information from Jim Britt. He is an incredible speaker, trainer, motivator, and author. It’s been more than five years since I've been to one of his trainings, yet his words of wisdom and advice not only have stuck with me, but his action statements are still ones I use today. The Power of Letting Go is incredibly powerful!

I came across something he had posted on FB not too long ago and it struck a chord with me. How often do you compare yourself to others? Maybe it’s body shape or size, maybe it’s the car you drive or the house you live in. Maybe it’s your finances compared to others. Watch any ad on TV or social media, any movie, etc. and you see a beautiful, slim woman or a handsome, “built” male. Even as you are at the pool you're people watching and comparing.

The Bachelor or the Bacheloette has an unbelievable following! How many seasons has it run now? The dates are all in glorious locations; flying on a helicopter to a remote island for a picnic or a romantic dinner on a roof top in Vegas with violin music playing in the background while overlooking the city. Really? I don’t know about you, I’ve never had a date like that and I’ve been married 40 years.

But remember, there are also the clips of the other women back at the house who are not on the date. The in- fighting, the back stabbing, the outright jealousy is beyond crazy, in my opinion.

Jim’s piece started out, “We are all amazed by the movie superstars, who’s the greatest, who’s the best, who has the most. Although we may be mesmerized as we watch them, we are also reminded of all that we are not. We are not good enough. We don’t deserve more. We are not smart enough. We didn’t get the “lucky” breaks.”

Why is it that we have a difficult time looking at ourselves in a positive way? Why is it we spend a great deal of time comparing ourselves and our lives to others? Why is it so difficult to actually celebrate ourselves? I agree with Jim when he states that the “greatest hero in your life is not in the movies, it is YOU.”

The every day, real heroes are the people like YOU who have character and courage to do what needs to be done for your family, your spouse, your children, your friends in need. YOU have an attitude of “do whatever it takes” and YOU make a difference. Your life is carried out with discipline and dignity. There are no props, no stunt doubles, no rehearsals or do overs.

I’m of the belief that YOU are on this planet for a reason that God has designed for you. That reason sometimes eludes us as we go through the motions of getting through a day. That’s one of the reasons why it’s important to make that list of 10 things that make you happy and grateful!! Your work ethic, your service mindset, your support for your friends and family, your do whatever it takes to be the Best You That You Can Be is what a hero looks like to me!

Jim’s advice is that “in the moments that you are not “up” or you are not feeling so great, moments when you feel that everything and everyone is against you, remind yourself of your greatness! YOU are smart enough strong enough. YOU do have the talent and discipline to achieve your dreams. Look within and see just how special YOU are! YOU are truly amazing! Believe this with all your heart!”

I think right now is a time that young people are trying to find their personal meaningful journey, those of us older are continuing to find what that meaning is now that the kids are out of the house and life is different. Each of us has our own perspective, our own dreams and desires, our own journey that we’re taking. The difficulty is not to get caught up in all the glitter and splash. Each person whether a celebrity, a politician, a famous athlete etc. has struggles and challenges. Life is not perfect for anyone.

The common denominator for those who continue to struggle are those you have more excuses than ACTION. Those who continue to blame, complain, and defend their actions (B,C,D) are also those who will never see their own greatness. They will only see the problem, see others who they think have it so easy, and believe they are the ones who never get a break.

What’s your life worth to you? Tough times will pass, don’t be distracted by plateaus and keep your eyes on all the reasons to be grateful! “The only one who won’t write you off is the One above.”

I wish YOU a week of finding a quiet time to reflect on all that YOU do right, all that YOU do that makes a difference in other’s lives, all that YOU do to continue to learn and grow and be the best that YOU can be whatever your age. Take time to celebrate the fact that YOU are the greatest hero in your life!!

Acceptance? Control? Or Both?

I wished you a week of reflection on how you are doing with YOUR self-discipline. When you find yourself not wanting to do something ask yourself, “Is doing the task going to help me be better, help me be successful, help me be the best I, can be?  If the answer is yes, then JUST DO IT!  What did you learn about yourself?

I have always thought “conversations” are interesting.  Is it a give and take?  One sided?  Thought provoking?  Energizing? Of course, it depends on the situation and the people involved, but this week I would encourage you to listen to the conversations you have with others and pay attention to the voices going on in your head.  Are you really listening to what’s being said, or are you thinking about what you’re going to say next?  Do you find yourself asking questions to learn more, or do you have a similar story so the conversation once again comes back to you?

I have been in several larger social settings lately and have found it fascinating to pay attention to how others communicate as well as my own communication style.  With some people, I come away from the conversation feeling as though I’d learned so much about the person or a particular topic, I focused on asking more questions, and it was an interesting conversation.  I felt a renewed energy and appreciation for the person.  

Then there were other “conversations” where it was definitely one sided.  Often times it was more of a “dumping baggage” session.  The “take away” for me was I was bored, I wanted to get away from what I perceived as a toxic environment, and I definitely wasn’t energized.

In the past, I know I was guilty of having a comeback story of a similar situation, however, now I’m focused and present on NOT doing that unless it really is relevant.  I also know that when I was in a conversation with someone where our opinions were different, I either thought I had to change their mind to the “right” way of thinking or the opposite.  Or I would be silent for “fear” of looking stupid as I didn’t feel adequate in “arguing a point” as eloquently as others.  

After listening to Jim Britt, he asks the question, “Is this my need for acceptance?  Maybe it’s my need for control?  Or, then again, maybe it’s both?  First and foremost, MY opinion or judgment – good, bad, right, wrong – is just that MINE.  No one else’s.  And that’s ok.  I don’t need to have other’s agree with me to feel validated.  Second, the only person I can control is me. 

So how does this apply to the everyday conversation with family, friends, acquaintances, or even an occasional new person? Jim talks a lot about paying attention to our feelings when we’re in conversations.  If I find myself feeling defensive, feeling a lack of self-esteem or inadequacy etc., I now pause to ask myself the three questions:  “Is this my need to be accepted?  Is this my need to be in control? Or is it both?” 

Once I realize what’s going on internally, the conversation takes on a whole new focus.  I become more question oriented, or I choose to just listen without feeling a need to respond. I’m also comfortable with giving my thoughts and opinions as just that – this is how I feel/think, and I am ok with how you feel/think.  It’s not even an “agree to disagree,” “meet in the middle” etc.  

I now come away with a more peaceful mind and a true acceptance for who I am.  I am no longer “married” to one way, I am more willing to listen and learn, I’m more open to listening to others, taking in what works for me and what doesn’t.  I’m also much more content with who I am without needing the acceptance of others or feeling as though I need to change someone else’s opinion, belief, or thought.  I am who I am, and they are who they are. 

I have come to this thinking over time.  I have found myself, even now, where I do get caught up in trying to convince someone to think my way especially if I’m passionate about the topic. These changes are definitely why we call life a journey.  We’re never too old to learn, grow, and change.  It takes a commitment to want to learn and grow as an individual.  That means reading, listening to CD’s, or whatever way you learn the best.

I wish you a week of paying attention to a healthy mindset of acceptance and a daily dose of learning and growing.

Discipline or Regret?

It's almost the end of your first 30 day monthly goal.  How are you doing so far?  One observation I have had is it was the hardest the first three days and then each day became easier and easier. I also realized that I couldn't cut all sugar out as that would never work for me. Like everything, it all comes down to balance. I observed an increase in energy and less bloating which were my goals. I plan to have another 30 day goal for the month of February but to continue with this one as well. Take a minute to evaluate how you did this month with YOUR goal.

I heard from several of you about Jim Britt's system of letting go. I hope you have had an opportunity to experience this process first hand and have a new level of understanding of the power letting go can have as well as helping you create a strong and resourceful inner voice.

Jim Rohn is one of my very favorite authors, speaker, and motivator.  I recently read a quote of his which I have heard numerous times but re-reading it recently has made me step back and evaluate where I am in all areas of my life.

“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”

Relate this quote to your past 30 days. Did you even bother to set a goal in the first place? If you did, how long have you stayed true to your goal? Two days? Maybe a week? Or did you honestly go the entire time? It takes discipline to continue with changing habits and making them a part of a new habit. The dictionary defines discipline as, “training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior. When you have discipline you have self-control.”

I have heard from several of you about the fact you don’t want 2016 to be a carbon copy of 2015. You do want to improve in one if not more areas of your life. FANTASTIC! The big question is, “Are you willing to change? Are you willing to be disciplined? Or will you have the pain of regret again next year?”

Have you had a “wake up call” when it comes to your health? What are you willing to do to get healthier? It takes a commitment to change WITHOUT EXCUSES. Have you had a wakeup call by having to buy larger size pants or your clothes just aren’t feeling comfortable anymore? It takes a commitment to change WITHOUT EXCUSES. Have you had a wakeup call with your finances? You’re tired of always paying off Christmas well into the New Year? It takes a commitment to change WITHOUT EXCUSES. Have you had a wakeup call when it comes to relationships? Maybe it’s your relationship with your spouse/significant other, your children, your parents, a friend, or your employer? It takes a commitment to change WITHOUT EXCUSES.

Once again, according to Jim Rohn, “The ultimate expression of life is not a paycheck. The ultimate expression of life is not a Mercedes. The ultimate expression of life is not a million dollars or a bank account or a home. The ultimate expression of life is living a good life.” Is a nice paycheck, a Mercedes, a nice home, etc. part of a good life? I don’t know, that’s up to each of us as an individual. That begs the question then, “What is a good life for YOU?” What’s a good life physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, health wise, with your relationships, etc? If you aren’t willing to make a change for 30 days, or if aren’t willing to change when you have a wakeup call with your health, what will it take?

Procrastination, denial, excuses, blame, a negative inner voice, the “coulda – shoulda – woulda” mentality will keep you right where you are this January 26, 2016 as you were January 26, 2015.

My hope for each of us is:

·       We make a list of what a “good life” would look like.

·       That list can be revised as things change as our lives change.

·       In our list we include areas of spirituality, finances, health, relationships etc.

·       We ELIMINATE: excuses, procrastination, blame, and looking in the rearview mirror.

·       We pay attention to those wakeup calls.

·       We practice the technique of “letting go.”

·       We live each day “being present.”

·       We practice the power of gratitude each morning and each evening as we go to bed.

The first month of 2016 is only a few days away. Looking back over the past four weeks are you feeling the power of discipline or the pain of regret?  What will you do for the month of February 2016?

I wish you a week of reflection and a chance to create your list of what a good life looks like to you.

Living In Regrets Isn't Productive

Last week I encouraged you to continue with your 30 day goal, and to pay attention to your inner voice. For me, I am very happy with my goal of cutting down on the amount of extra sugar. There is a lot of information about having only 12 grams of sugar in a day, and one can of Coke has 14-16 grams alone! ("Energy” drinks are even worse!) I’m seeing results with how my clothes fit, and I’m definitely not needing a “fix” in the afternoons.  Hope you’re finding positive results as well.

This is the third week in January. Typically, this is the time people are starting to “get down in the dumps.” Some of it is the weather with the lack of sunshine and cold temperatures. It’s the time when those holiday bills are coming due, and you realize your spending was beyond your budget – that is if you even had a budget. It’s also the time when colds, flu, etc. seem to hit us since we’re back to a normal routine and our body is tired. Exercising is more of a challenge and easier to let go of, hence the decline in attendance at the gym.

For many reasons, then, it’s important to pay attention to our inner voice. Are you listening to that voice that says, “I’ll exercise tomorrow, I’m too tired today,” then you realize you’ve gone a whole week without exercising? Or have you truly decided that you’re going to stick to your 30 day goal no matter what? Are you back into those old habits OR are you willing to do something different in your life in 2016? Remember how fast 2015 flew by? Are you going to be in the same place a year from now or are you going to CHANGE?

This past Sunday I listened to Joel Osteen’s message about living in regrets. The bottom line was that regrets are not productive. Regrets are the past. Whatever you did, whatever you said it is no longer happening. Not only are you missing all the beauty in being present, but you also are not moving forward with these added burdens holding you back. As Joel stated, “You may be a product of your past, but you don’t have to be a prisoner of your past.” He continued with advising that we step out of WAS and step into IS. Personally, I find these incredibly powerful statements that make up a part of our inner voice. When you read about people who have grown up in horrible situations but have gone on to lead productive, successful lives, aren’t they examples of NOT allowing that negative inner voice to take over? These are people who are taking control and moving forward without excuses!

“You can’t move forward if you’re looking in the rear view mirror.” It takes more energy holding on to your mistakes, your guilt, your unhappiness then it does to let go of not understanding situations and trusting that things will get better.  That means you must stop talking about the negative, stop thinking about the negative and stop thinking of all that “they” did or said. That means you need to “bury” it. Put it all to rest, it’s the past. 

What we have a tendency to do is dig up those old offenses, the guilt, the hurt, and our unforgiving attitude. I love what Joel says about this. He states that when you bring up the past, it stinks. No one will want to be around you because of the negativity. You will begin to push people away as they don’t want to listen to the “same old – same old” and the “poor pitiful me” scenarios. Either you want something to change so you must take action OR you drop it. (And that DOES NOT mean you bury it and just don't talk about it any longer!That is definitely NOT dropping it.) People will only listen and support you for so long because if they hear the same thing over and over and see no action being taken to make a change, then they will eventually tune you out.

If you decide something isn’t worth your time and effort and you drop it, GREAT. That doesn’t mean you’re weak or that someone has gotten their way. What it means is you’re putting trust in God that new doors will open, and that you don’t want to spend your energy complaining and being negative. You’re finally willing to DROP IT and LET IT GO! I will tell you from personal experience, there is feeling of lightness and relief. It’s much easier to move ahead. Remember, the only person you can change is yourself, and part of that change is creating a positive inner voice.

Life is too short and your time is too valuable to live your life in the negative or with an “I should have…” second guessing mentality all the time. When you live with a lack of self- esteem, when you continuously bring back up all the things “done to you,” when year after year your frustration with a certain family member or friend increases, when someone is rude to you in the morning and you’re still angry about it at lunch time etc. STOP! When you carry your negative baggage, your anger, your fears, and your lack of self-esteem year after year, I would suggest that you’re only poisoning yourself and it’s only holding YOU back.

Drop it! Leave it behind! Let it go! Jim Britt shared his technique of letting go that has served me well on many occasions. Our emotions are energy in motion and when we don’t deal with the nonresourceful/negative emotions, we “stuff them.” Each time we bring them back up without any resolution, they become stronger. Picture an ice cube. It’s either sitting in your throat, your heart area, or your gut. When you’re willing to let go, state the emotion eg. anger, frustration, close your eyes and picture the ice cube melting away, slowly breathing in and out. You may have to do this several times but each time, picture the ice cube becoming smaller and smaller. This may sound a little “out there” but I can assure you it’s the only technique that has ever helped me get past some deep conflicts. It’s worth trying.

Letting go of the deeper conflicts and issues is like peeling an onion. You may think you have let go of something and yet it comes up in a different form. That’s ok. Go through the “letting go” process once again. You will know when you have put something behind you when you remember the situation, the experience, the conflict etc. and you no longer have any emotion attached. 

If you’re always trying to find the “why” that’s another toxic form of thinking, and you can’t move forward. Joel Osteen suggests having an “I don’t understand it file." Then trust that a higher power is in control of what you don’t understand and your job is to trust and let it go.

You can’t move forward and have a resourceful inner voice until you’re willing to realize you’ve been looking in the rear view mirror too long. You’ve been seeking an answer to why someone or something happened, or you haven’t been willing to make a change in your life, or the negative voices have had control.

Living in regrets isn’t productive. Are you willing to let go of things in the past and step into the present? You are a valuable person with many gifts to share with others. Turn your inner voice into “high fives,” “way to go,” “great job,” “I’ve learned something new and it’s working,” “I’m proud of myself,” etc. etc. Learn to let things go. Train your mind to move forward.

Here’s to a week of continuing your 30 day goals and to celebrating a new level of understanding the power of letting go and a resourceful inner voice.

Happiness Is Our Natural State

Did you spend time thinking about what you are creating? You create what you expect.  What did you learn about yourself and your expectations?  Were you moving forward or were you finding yourself holding back?  It’s amazing to realize how much our thinking is scientifically connected to our actions.

John Wooden is quoted to have said, “Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.” Tony Dungy said, “When you are in a situation, you can complain about it, you can feel sorry for yourself, you can do a lot of things.  But how are you going to make the situation better?”

According to Jim Britt, “Happiness is our natural state, unhappiness is a learned behavior.” Aren’t a positive mindset and an abundant expectancy what each of these leaders is saying in the above quotes? “Most of the pain and suffering we experience is of our own making.”  YIKES! How can that be true? If that is true then that means I really am in control of how I look at and handle various challenges in my life.  Jim Britt explains in his Power of Letting Go CD’s, that this pain and suffering develops from our own hearts and minds.  It comes out of our own misconceptions and confusion about the cause of the pain and suffering. Our tendency is to look outward for the cause rather than inward.

As many professionals will tell us, “If we want something different, we must DO something different.”  The definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Even the young football player in the movie Blindside, took control over his situation and was willing to do something different to get different results.

We all have problems in our lives!  That’s a given. However, HOW we handle those problems is what the difference maker is. We can LEARN how to deal with them if we’re willing to do something different. The blaming, pointing a finger, not taking responsibility, and not taking any action to change the situation isn’t beneficial and definitely will NOT allow us to move forward.  Life involves having problems yet the critical component is how WE personally deal with the problems.  Since problems are a fact of life, I would propose that our mindset, our expectancy of a positive outcome, is how we will move forward.  The dissatisfaction's we harbor are within us, therefore they are ones we are able to let go of in order to move on.  The “poor pitiful me” attitude IS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE and will not lead to any type of change.

We need three realizations in order to find happiness and true well-being, according to Jim Britt.  (1) “Life is fleeting.”  Here we are the middle of October and 2016 is just around the corner.  Where did this year go? Rather than having the “tomorrow” time agenda – DO IT TODAY! (2) “We are complete and worthy of good things in our lives.” Some people have a limiting belief system and don’t feel they’re worthy. STOP that limited thinking and find ABUNDANCE! We ARE all worthy in God’s eyes. (3) “We are our own refuge. We are in control of our situation and therefore our mindset of happiness and contentment.”

I am a total believer of the idea we have control over our own thinking.  So why is it that so many people appear to be unhappy and discontent?  Why is it that some people are critical of others yet they are also guilty of some of those same behaviors?  Why is it that some people will use their religious beliefs when it’s “handy” and yet don’t walk their talk in their day to day interactions? Once again I refer back to Jim’s suggestions of why these actions are happening: (1) We aren’t getting what we want in life. (2) We may be getting what we thought we wanted, however, we’re not satisfied. (3) We are suffering the absence of something or someone to love. (4) We are having to endure the presence of something or someone we don’t want in our lives. (5) We spend more time living in the past and wishing things were different, or we are living for what we hope or fear is the future.  We are NOT living in the present which is where we are at any given moment. Do you fall into any of these five categories? Be real with yourself when you answer that question.

Happiness and contentment is seeing life the way it is versus the way we WISH it would be.  It comes from seeing the truth and either embracing it or making changes.  In order to do that, we have to be self-observant.  Our action needs to be in the form of a decision, an intention, to do something different.  We also need to be willing to take the necessary steps to make a change. Where are YOU? Decide!  Take Action!

With those thoughts in mind, I return to the quotes at the beginning of this blog…

“Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.”

“When you are in a situation, you can complain about it, you can feel sorry for yourself, you can do a lot of things.  But how are you going to make the situation better?”

I applaud those of you who are making the most of each and every day.  I applaud those of you who are making the decision to change no matter how difficult, no matter how other’s will be critical, no matter how often you’ve attempted something and failed…you are getting up one more time.  Vince Lombardi said, “It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get back up.”  I applaud each and every one of you who are getting back up and are making a difference in your life.

Here’s to a week of making each challenging situation better and having that abundant and positive mindset that YOU are important and YOU are in control of your own happiness and contentment.

How's Your Communication IQ?

 I hope you had a week of reflection on how you are doing with YOUR self-discipline. Did you find that you were more aware of following through on a task?  Instead of putting off something that wasn’t necessarily the most “fun” did you go ahead and do it anyway? Did you begin to have more of a focus on what you needed to do and just do it? 

I decided to repeat a blog about conversations.  This is still an area of learning and growing for me, so in rereading it, I had more ah ha moments.  Enjoy…

I have always thought “conversations” are interesting.  Is it a give and take?  One sided?  Thought provoking?  Energizing? Of course, it depends on the situation and the people involved, but this week I would encourage you to listen to the conversations you have with others and pay attention to the voices going on in your head.  Are you really listening to what’s being said, or are you thinking about what you’re going to say next?  Do you find yourself asking questions to learn more, or do you have a similar story so the conversation once again comes back to you?

I have been in several larger social settings lately and have found it fascinating to pay attention to how others communicate as well as my own communication style.  With some people, I come away from the conversation feeling as though I’d learned so much about the person or a particular topic, I focused on asking more questions, and it was an interesting conversation.  I felt a renewed energy and appreciation for the person.  Then there were other “conversations” where it was definitely one sided.  Often times it was more of a “dumping baggage” session.  The “take away” for me was I was bored, I wanted to get away from what I perceived as a toxic environment, and I definitely wasn’t energized.

In the past, I know I was guilty of having a comeback story of a similar situation, however, now I’m focused and present on NOT doing that unless it really is relevant.  I also know that when I was in a conversation with someone where our opinions were different, I either thought I had to change their mind to the “right” way of thinking or the opposite.  Or I would be silent for “fear” of looking stupid as I didn’t feel adequate in “arguing a point” as eloquently as others.  After listening to Jim Britt again, he asks the question, “Is this my need for acceptance?  Maybe it’s my need for control?  Or, then again, maybe it’s both?  First and foremost, MY opinion or judgment – good, bad, right, wrong – is just that MINE.  No one else’s.  And that’s ok.  I don’t need to have other’s agree with me to feel validated.  Second, the only person I can control is me. 

So how does this apply to the everyday conversation with family, friends, acquaintances, or even an occasional new person? Jim talks a lot about paying attention to our feelings when we’re in conversations.  If I find myself feeling defensive, feeling a lack of self-esteem or inadequacy etc., I now pause to ask myself the three questions:  “Is this my need to be accepted?  Is this my need to be in control? Or is it both?”  Once I realize what’s going on internally, the conversation takes on a whole new focus.  I become more question oriented or I choose to just listen without feeling a need to respond. I’m also comfortable with giving my thoughts and opinions as just that – this is how I feel/think, and I am ok with how you feel/think.  It’s not even an “agree to disagree,” “meet in the middle” etc.   I now come away with a more peaceful mind and a true acceptance for who I am.  I am no longer “married” to one way, I am more willing to listen and learn, I’m more open to listening to others, taking in what works for me and what doesn’t.  I’m also much more content with whom I am without needing the acceptance of others or feeling as though I need to change someone else’s opinion, belief, or thought.  I am who I am, and they are who they are.

 

I have come to this thinking over time.  I have found myself, even now, where I do get caught up in trying to convince someone to think my way especially if I’m passionate about the topic. These changes are definitely why we call life a journey.  We’re never too old to learn, grow, and change.  It takes a commitment, self-discipline, to want to learn and grow as an individual.  That means reading, listening to CD’s, or whatever way you learn the best.  This is another challenge to develop your self-discipline.

Here’s to a healthy mindset of acceptance and a daily dose of learning and growing.

Our Greatest Battles

“The greatest battles you will ever fight are with yourself, and you must always be your toughest opponent.” 

Excuse.  Exactly what is the definition of the word excuse?  According to the dictionary; excuse is, “an attempt to lessen the blame, to seek to defend or justify; a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense.”  How often do we “battle” within ourselves trying to justify or defend an action we took, a conversation we had that didn't go well, or a conflict etc. etc.?  How does that conversation go in your head?  I know, for me, my first tendency is to point the finger at someone or something else – an excuse, a justification for my actions or words.  But then again, Jim Rohn, says that for every finger pointing outward there are three pointing back.  Hmm.  My first “take” on my excuse or justification is I had a reason to react or respond in a particular way.  I don’t want others to think I’m weak, I need to be able to stand up for myself or people will take advantage of me, I should be better at getting my point across etc.  Sound familiar? Yes, a “battle” I fight within myself.

Maybe its age, but I also think a lot of my thought processing changes are due to personal development and learning more.  As I've written about before, situations are my own judgment and rather than putting a right/wrong or good/bad label on things I need to learn to accept others as they are, but also accept and celebrate ME for who I am.  Does that mean I give in and change my position?  Absolutely not.  Instead I can stand on my position and equally respect someone else’s position.  I may try to understand where they are coming from, but I don’t necessarily need to agree.  I did that for too many years.  I am naturally a people pleaser, and I did feel intimidated around some people and situations.  I am an intrinsic “feeler.”  I “know” when something doesn't feel “right.”  I don’t often have facts to back up my perception.  In the classroom, when I didn't think something was “right” with a student, but I couldn't identify the specifics, I would call in an incredible special needs team, and they would test or have another set of eyes.  99% of the time, I was right on, something was amiss.  Then we could move forward with a plan to support the student. 

It wasn't until I was out of the classroom and through some self-development workshops did I come to realize my strengths and be comfortable with them therefore, also becoming more comfortable with me.  My strengths are intrinsically “knowing” how people are feeling, I watch the nonverbal body language, I can “tell” when things are right or something is wrong. No specifics just a feeling. However, I grew up with a trial attorney father who relied on facts as that was his profession.  I was told my feelings didn't count, what were the facts?  I remember at age 16 telling him that I always felt like I was on the witness stand.  It was a new revelation for him, but as he said, that’s all he knew.  I can appreciate that now, but not at 16. 

Later in life, I would experience situations where people were quoting from a book or some documentation.  The facts and quotes “rolled off their tongue,” and all I had were my feelings on the subject.  I had also read and heard information but my strength was not to recall those facts but to interpret them in my intrinsic way.  I tried for many years to be like the others who were fact oriented, but I eventually got to the place where I didn't feel adequate, I couldn't “compete” on the same level, I wasn't smart enough, (internal talk) so I just wouldn't participate in discussions.   Here was my need to be accepted coming out “in spades” as well as my conflict avoidance.  At one point, I did think two people should be able to agree to disagree, we could meet in the middle, respecting one another’s opinions/views and move on. That may be the case for some people; however, for me I was met with the “fact people” not “hearing” my thoughts and opinions. Their focus was only to convince me to their way of thinking, through facts, and deny my feelings. 

So what has changed for me?  First and foremost, I now embrace who I am, what my skill set is, and celebrate other’s strengths that are different than mine.  I did use excuses before.  I did try to justify my actions. But that was without really understanding what the differences were and how I was and am a valuable person in my own right.  I learned to listen, to acknowledge and celebrate someone else’s thoughts and views different than my own, thank them for those thoughts and views, but now add, I don’t happen to agree and that’s ok.”  I learned to use the “broken record” strategy with my adult conversations just like I had used the “broken record” when talking with my children or my students.  I quit trying to convince someone that my way was the right way.  When I was doing that, I was essentially doing what I complained others were doing to me. I am much better now at accepting differences, letting those differences just “be” and avoid convincing someone that I have all the answers.  I can share my experiences, hope there is something that will resonant with them, but that’s all I have control over - me .  I come away with an even truer sense of who I am as a person and feel much more content with myself and my life.  Comparisons are still difficult, self-judgment is still there, but the difference is I now recognize those thoughts and can let them go.  (Thank you, once again, Jim Britt.)

So yes, “The greatest battles you will ever fight are with yourself, and you must always be your toughest opponent.”   That's also called growth.  

This blog began after reading an excerpt from Dr. Phil about the “first steps to making meaningful change in your life.”  That’s for next week.  Thank you for reading my blogs, I hope I give you something to think about and reflect on in your life, and always welcome your feedback.  It’s a beautiful fall day, and I’m feeling extremely blessed.  Have a wonderful week.

Do You Need Acceptance from Others?

Acceptance?  Control?  Or Both?

I keep coming back to the above three questions, and I felt a need to repeat this blog from the spring.

I have always thought “conversations” are interesting.  Is it a give and take?  One sided?  Thought provoking?  Energizing? Of course, it depends on the situation and the people involved, but this week I would encourage you to listen to the conversations you have with others and pay attention to the voices going on in your head.  Are you really listening to what’s being said, or are you thinking about what you’re going to say next?  Do you find yourself asking questions to learn more, or do you have a similar story so the conversation once again comes back to you?

I have been in several larger social settings lately and have found it fascinating to pay attention to how others communicate as well as my own communication style.  With some people, I come away from the conversation feeling as though I’d learned so much about the person or a particular topic, I focused on asking more questions, it was a give and takes conversation, and it was an interesting.  I felt a renewed energy and appreciation for the person.  Then there were other “conversations” where it was definitely one sided.  Often times it was more of a “dumping baggage” session.  The “take away” for me was I was bored, I wanted to get away from what I perceived as a toxic environment, and I definitely wasn't energized.  Are there times when people need to feel safe and just "dump?" Of course!  That's part of being a friend.  For me, what's the balance?  Am I always the one being "dumped" on?  Or are there also the learning and growing conversations?

In the past, I know I was guilty of having a comeback story of a similar situation, however, now I’m focused and present on NOT doing that unless it really is relevant.  I also know that when I was in a conversation with someone where our opinions were different, I either thought I had to change their mind to the “right” way of thinking.  Or I would be silent for “fear” of looking stupid as I didn't feel adequate in “arguing a point ”as eloquently as others.  After listening to Jim Britt again, he asks the question, “Is this my need for acceptance?  Maybe it’s my need for control?  Or, then again, maybe it’s both?  First and foremost, MY opinion or judgment – good, bad, right, wrong – is just that, MINE.  No one else’s.  And that’s ok.  I don’t need to have other’s agree with me to be validated.  The bottom line is that the only person I can control is me. 

So how does this apply to the everyday conversation with family, friends, acquaintances, or even an occasional new person? Jim talks a lot about paying attention to our feelings when we’re in conversations.  If I find myself feeling defensive, feeling a lack of self-esteem or inadequacy etc., I now pause to ask myself the three questions:  “Is this my need to be accepted?  Is this my need to be in control? Or is it both?”  Once I realize what’s going on internally, the conversation takes on a whole new focus.  I become more question oriented, or I choose to just listen without feeling a need to respond. I’m also comfortable with giving my thoughts and opinions as just that – this is how I feel/think, and I am ok with how you feel/think.  It’s not even an “agree to disagree,” “meet in the middle” etc.   I now come away with a more peaceful mind and a true acceptance for who I am.  I am no longer “married” to one way, I am more willing to listen and learn, I’m more open to listening to others, taking in what works for me and what doesn't.  I can now "let go" more easily. In addition, I'm much more content with who I am without needing the acceptance of others or feeling as though I need to change someone else’s opinion, belief, or thought.  I am who I am, and they are who they are. And that's ok.

None of this happened overnight.  I have come to this thinking over time.  I have found myself, even now, where I do get caught up in trying to convince someone to think my way especially if I’m passionate about the topic. These changes are definitely why we call life a journey.  The key?  We’re never too old to learn, grow, and change.  It takes a commitment to want to learn and grow as an individual.  That means reading, listening to CD’s, or whatever way you learn the best.  I happen to be 62, however, many younger people are focusing on their personal development much earlier.  Any reading about leadership or success includes a top priority to work on ourselves first. Is self development a priority to you or do you use "I have no time" as an excuse?

I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on how you communicate and your reflections.  Have a wonderful beginning of fall!

How Do You Handle Adversity?

What is it that makes a difference in how people handle adversity?  That’s the million dollar question. I continue to be amazed at the number of people who, despite the fact they have health issues, choose to not do anything about it. It might be they've been diagnosed with diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, asthma, heart disease, high cholesterol or they have weight problems with the list continuing on and on.  If they would only change their eating and/or beverage choice they could lose that extra weight, their heart problems could be more controlled, their cholesterol levels could be reduced, their chance of various cancers could be reduced etc. etc. etc.  But…they don’t make those changes or do anything different.  The reactions to the various health issues range from trying something for a short time then they revert back to the same old – same old, being angry, blaming, depression, an attitude of denial, or even just ignoring the problem altogether, believing that this is just their “lot in life,” or even the excuse that it's what you have to deal with when you get older.    

Personally, none of these excuses make any sense to me, but that’s my judgment.  My belief is if there’s a way to live the life God has blessed me with, why would I not do whatever it takes?  Yes, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at age 36. I did go through the “why me?” stage, the angry stage, the depression stage, and I even tried to push through the pain thinking that this was just a phase.  And where did that get me?  NOWHERE. I saw too many people with the same disease that didn't do anything and were in constant pain, on high levels of meds with their own side effects, and had very disfigured hands and feet.  I made a conscious decision to NOT be a victim. 

So how did I move forward?  First of all, I gathered information from dietitians, nutritionists, occupational therapists, chiropractors, specialists, and physical therapists. I also read a lot of books, articles, and testimonials. I needed to take control of MY life, make choices of what works for my body, and most importantly move forward.  In all this, I had to make the decision what I was willing to do and what was not something I would consider.  For example, a rheumatologist specialist told me I needed to start on liquid gold. Liquid gold?! NO!  When I asked him if there was anything I could do nutritionally he told me it wouldn't make any difference.  WRONG!  So, needless to say, I didn't go back to that specialist.  We do not have to accept some of the recommendations that rather than focusing on the solution only continue the problem and may even add more problems.  A nutritionist told me to “listen to my body” and learn what my body needed.  First of all, that made sense to me, second I had to learn how to listen to my body, and third I had to pay attention to the signals my body was trying to tell me. 

The past 26 years have been a process, paying attention, and for me, learning the triggers to the pain.  I had to commit to giving myself a shot once a week of a drug.  Not what I wanted to do, but the goal has been to reduce that amount.  But what else can I do? My trigger was stress.  I spent a year trying to get my body back without pain.  There have been ups and downs, but I knew what it was like to not be in pain, so I focused on getting back to being pain free.  I realized I had slacked off paying attention to my eating habits, I also wasn't exercising, and I definitely needed to do some work on my own attitude.  I was allowing negative words from others “get to me.”  That only added to my stress level. I wasn't letting go of the fact that there was my reality and there was someone else’s good intentions for me .  Because of a self-development weekend that Jon and I went to with author and speaker, Jim Britt, I began to learn to truly listen to my body.  Previously, I wasn't aware of the power our thoughts have on our health.  I also learned the process of totally letting go of negative thoughts, actions from others, etc. I learned to understand that I could only do what was in my control, and it was not my job to change someone else’s view.  I could share my thoughts, educate if necessary, and yet allow them to have their thoughts and beliefs too.  What I wasn't willing to do was to “buy into” their views and opinions.

With my last crisis now 17 years behind me, I can say I only have a few days with some pain.  I am consistently working out five to six days a week, cardio and strength training are a part of the workout, I am constantly learning more about health and nutrition and putting that learning into practice.  We have a meal replacement shake in the morning that is more for the good nutrients, our NutriBullet drinks at lunch are filled with spinach, fruit, and gold flaxseed, we’re aware of our portion sizes since our bodies change with age, we’re taking specific supplements from companies that are focused on clean and healthy ingredients, and I've discovered an incredible product that focuses on inflammation of ANY type.  That product is what allows me, for the first time, to begin to reduce my medication amount.  Another key component is I’m paying close attention to my thoughts and attitude.  There is a huge connection between our bodies and our minds.  During more stressful times, I have to first be conscious of the type of thoughts running through my head.  For the negative ones, I ask myself the question, “Is this my need for control or acceptance?”  I will go through the “letting go” process I learned from Jim Britt, I remind myself that what I focus on expands - negative or positive (thanks to Jim Rohn), and sometimes I just have to “Let go and Let God.” 

This is all a process, it’s a journey, but most of all it is a decision.  I WILL NOT be a victim. I AM in control of my life.  I AM blessed with the life God has given me.  My story is about rheumatoid arthritis, but there are other stories out there.  I just finished a book by Jay Leeuwenburg, Yes I Can! Yes, YOU Can!  It’s a book where Jay “tackles diabetes and wins.”  He was 12 years old when he was first diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and “through self-discipline and self-reliance overcame the odds to achieve pro football stardom and admiration of America.”  Jay was a high school All-Stater, was a University of Colorado Buff and All-American, as well as a 9-year NFL starter.  From the beginning, even at age 12, Jay took control of the diagnosis of diabetes.  And a crucial part of that journey was the role his family played.  “From the get-go,” explains Jay’s brother, Chris, “we were really immersed in it as a family.  It was a lifestyle.  We knew, to be successful, it was something you did as a family.” Don’t we all need a team around us for support?  It was especially amazing to me to read Jay’s words to his mother as a 12 year old, “Mom, I had a talk with myself.  He said he told himself, ‘Hey, I can accept this and get on with my life, or I can fight it, and say, “This isn't happening to me, and woe is me.”  He made a personal resolve, right then and there, to get on with his life.”  He continually says, throughout the book, that “this is the life I was dealt, I’m going to make the best of it.”  Diabetes was NOT going to define him.

The book continues through Jay’s life as a 12 year old diagnosed with diabetes, through the challenges of playing sports, the challenges of having to take control of his life and not depend on others to always have the correct information, and to educate those around him.  Even in the NFL, he relates a story of being dehydrated and being given a 20% dextrose IV.  That is NOT the answer when you’re diabetic.  Jay, himself, realized the mistake and forced the trainers to give him one with saline.  The stories and his journey are a fascinating read.  The disappointments, the uneducated views about diabetics, the need to constantly monitor his blood sugar levels – 25 times during a game – his “giving back” which has impacted so many children’s lives who have diabetes and especially those who want to play sports, his role not only as an NFL player but a husband, father, and now elementary teacher all have a common theme.  Set goals, no excuses, learn to deal with your own personal challenges in your life, never give up, and “If you put the effort in, if you’re committed, if you’re educated, it you take the necessary steps, you will succeed.”  

Isn't that the message no matter what our challenges might be?  After all, disappointments, loses in a football game, a diagnosis we’d rather not deal with, ignorance, conflicts, family issues etc. are part of that journey we call LIFE.  Will you be one of the 5% that takes control and makes changes in both a healthy body and a healthy mind?  Or will you fall into the 95% that does nothing and ignores the truth?  I wish for you to be one of the 5%!!!