Discipline or Regret?

It's almost the end of your first 30 day monthly goal.  How are you doing so far?  One observation I have had is it was the hardest the first three days and then each day became easier and easier. I also realized that I couldn't cut all sugar out as that would never work for me. Like everything, it all comes down to balance. I observed an increase in energy and less bloating which were my goals. I plan to have another 30 day goal for the month of February but to continue with this one as well. Take a minute to evaluate how you did this month with YOUR goal.

I heard from several of you about Jim Britt's system of letting go. I hope you have had an opportunity to experience this process first hand and have a new level of understanding of the power letting go can have as well as helping you create a strong and resourceful inner voice.

Jim Rohn is one of my very favorite authors, speaker, and motivator.  I recently read a quote of his which I have heard numerous times but re-reading it recently has made me step back and evaluate where I am in all areas of my life.

“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”

Relate this quote to your past 30 days. Did you even bother to set a goal in the first place? If you did, how long have you stayed true to your goal? Two days? Maybe a week? Or did you honestly go the entire time? It takes discipline to continue with changing habits and making them a part of a new habit. The dictionary defines discipline as, “training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior. When you have discipline you have self-control.”

I have heard from several of you about the fact you don’t want 2016 to be a carbon copy of 2015. You do want to improve in one if not more areas of your life. FANTASTIC! The big question is, “Are you willing to change? Are you willing to be disciplined? Or will you have the pain of regret again next year?”

Have you had a “wake up call” when it comes to your health? What are you willing to do to get healthier? It takes a commitment to change WITHOUT EXCUSES. Have you had a wakeup call by having to buy larger size pants or your clothes just aren’t feeling comfortable anymore? It takes a commitment to change WITHOUT EXCUSES. Have you had a wakeup call with your finances? You’re tired of always paying off Christmas well into the New Year? It takes a commitment to change WITHOUT EXCUSES. Have you had a wakeup call when it comes to relationships? Maybe it’s your relationship with your spouse/significant other, your children, your parents, a friend, or your employer? It takes a commitment to change WITHOUT EXCUSES.

Once again, according to Jim Rohn, “The ultimate expression of life is not a paycheck. The ultimate expression of life is not a Mercedes. The ultimate expression of life is not a million dollars or a bank account or a home. The ultimate expression of life is living a good life.” Is a nice paycheck, a Mercedes, a nice home, etc. part of a good life? I don’t know, that’s up to each of us as an individual. That begs the question then, “What is a good life for YOU?” What’s a good life physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, health wise, with your relationships, etc? If you aren’t willing to make a change for 30 days, or if aren’t willing to change when you have a wakeup call with your health, what will it take?

Procrastination, denial, excuses, blame, a negative inner voice, the “coulda – shoulda – woulda” mentality will keep you right where you are this January 26, 2016 as you were January 26, 2015.

My hope for each of us is:

·       We make a list of what a “good life” would look like.

·       That list can be revised as things change as our lives change.

·       In our list we include areas of spirituality, finances, health, relationships etc.

·       We ELIMINATE: excuses, procrastination, blame, and looking in the rearview mirror.

·       We pay attention to those wakeup calls.

·       We practice the technique of “letting go.”

·       We live each day “being present.”

·       We practice the power of gratitude each morning and each evening as we go to bed.

The first month of 2016 is only a few days away. Looking back over the past four weeks are you feeling the power of discipline or the pain of regret?  What will you do for the month of February 2016?

I wish you a week of reflection and a chance to create your list of what a good life looks like to you.

Living In Regrets Isn't Productive

Last week I encouraged you to continue with your 30 day goal, and to pay attention to your inner voice. For me, I am very happy with my goal of cutting down on the amount of extra sugar. There is a lot of information about having only 12 grams of sugar in a day, and one can of Coke has 14-16 grams alone! ("Energy” drinks are even worse!) I’m seeing results with how my clothes fit, and I’m definitely not needing a “fix” in the afternoons.  Hope you’re finding positive results as well.

This is the third week in January. Typically, this is the time people are starting to “get down in the dumps.” Some of it is the weather with the lack of sunshine and cold temperatures. It’s the time when those holiday bills are coming due, and you realize your spending was beyond your budget – that is if you even had a budget. It’s also the time when colds, flu, etc. seem to hit us since we’re back to a normal routine and our body is tired. Exercising is more of a challenge and easier to let go of, hence the decline in attendance at the gym.

For many reasons, then, it’s important to pay attention to our inner voice. Are you listening to that voice that says, “I’ll exercise tomorrow, I’m too tired today,” then you realize you’ve gone a whole week without exercising? Or have you truly decided that you’re going to stick to your 30 day goal no matter what? Are you back into those old habits OR are you willing to do something different in your life in 2016? Remember how fast 2015 flew by? Are you going to be in the same place a year from now or are you going to CHANGE?

This past Sunday I listened to Joel Osteen’s message about living in regrets. The bottom line was that regrets are not productive. Regrets are the past. Whatever you did, whatever you said it is no longer happening. Not only are you missing all the beauty in being present, but you also are not moving forward with these added burdens holding you back. As Joel stated, “You may be a product of your past, but you don’t have to be a prisoner of your past.” He continued with advising that we step out of WAS and step into IS. Personally, I find these incredibly powerful statements that make up a part of our inner voice. When you read about people who have grown up in horrible situations but have gone on to lead productive, successful lives, aren’t they examples of NOT allowing that negative inner voice to take over? These are people who are taking control and moving forward without excuses!

“You can’t move forward if you’re looking in the rear view mirror.” It takes more energy holding on to your mistakes, your guilt, your unhappiness then it does to let go of not understanding situations and trusting that things will get better.  That means you must stop talking about the negative, stop thinking about the negative and stop thinking of all that “they” did or said. That means you need to “bury” it. Put it all to rest, it’s the past. 

What we have a tendency to do is dig up those old offenses, the guilt, the hurt, and our unforgiving attitude. I love what Joel says about this. He states that when you bring up the past, it stinks. No one will want to be around you because of the negativity. You will begin to push people away as they don’t want to listen to the “same old – same old” and the “poor pitiful me” scenarios. Either you want something to change so you must take action OR you drop it. (And that DOES NOT mean you bury it and just don't talk about it any longer!That is definitely NOT dropping it.) People will only listen and support you for so long because if they hear the same thing over and over and see no action being taken to make a change, then they will eventually tune you out.

If you decide something isn’t worth your time and effort and you drop it, GREAT. That doesn’t mean you’re weak or that someone has gotten their way. What it means is you’re putting trust in God that new doors will open, and that you don’t want to spend your energy complaining and being negative. You’re finally willing to DROP IT and LET IT GO! I will tell you from personal experience, there is feeling of lightness and relief. It’s much easier to move ahead. Remember, the only person you can change is yourself, and part of that change is creating a positive inner voice.

Life is too short and your time is too valuable to live your life in the negative or with an “I should have…” second guessing mentality all the time. When you live with a lack of self- esteem, when you continuously bring back up all the things “done to you,” when year after year your frustration with a certain family member or friend increases, when someone is rude to you in the morning and you’re still angry about it at lunch time etc. STOP! When you carry your negative baggage, your anger, your fears, and your lack of self-esteem year after year, I would suggest that you’re only poisoning yourself and it’s only holding YOU back.

Drop it! Leave it behind! Let it go! Jim Britt shared his technique of letting go that has served me well on many occasions. Our emotions are energy in motion and when we don’t deal with the nonresourceful/negative emotions, we “stuff them.” Each time we bring them back up without any resolution, they become stronger. Picture an ice cube. It’s either sitting in your throat, your heart area, or your gut. When you’re willing to let go, state the emotion eg. anger, frustration, close your eyes and picture the ice cube melting away, slowly breathing in and out. You may have to do this several times but each time, picture the ice cube becoming smaller and smaller. This may sound a little “out there” but I can assure you it’s the only technique that has ever helped me get past some deep conflicts. It’s worth trying.

Letting go of the deeper conflicts and issues is like peeling an onion. You may think you have let go of something and yet it comes up in a different form. That’s ok. Go through the “letting go” process once again. You will know when you have put something behind you when you remember the situation, the experience, the conflict etc. and you no longer have any emotion attached. 

If you’re always trying to find the “why” that’s another toxic form of thinking, and you can’t move forward. Joel Osteen suggests having an “I don’t understand it file." Then trust that a higher power is in control of what you don’t understand and your job is to trust and let it go.

You can’t move forward and have a resourceful inner voice until you’re willing to realize you’ve been looking in the rear view mirror too long. You’ve been seeking an answer to why someone or something happened, or you haven’t been willing to make a change in your life, or the negative voices have had control.

Living in regrets isn’t productive. Are you willing to let go of things in the past and step into the present? You are a valuable person with many gifts to share with others. Turn your inner voice into “high fives,” “way to go,” “great job,” “I’ve learned something new and it’s working,” “I’m proud of myself,” etc. etc. Learn to let things go. Train your mind to move forward.

Here’s to a week of continuing your 30 day goals and to celebrating a new level of understanding the power of letting go and a resourceful inner voice.

Your Life Follows Your Thoughts

Last week I challenged you to start your own 30 day challenge. Did you decide  WHAT you wanted to focus on AND did you START? I shared my goal to reduce my sugar intake with a detoxing for the first week and then reducing that amount for the rest of the 30 days. I will say, the first three days were much harder than I anticipated but the fourth, fifth, and now the full week got easier and easier. Even in that amount of time, I have found a difference in my belly and I lost a pound. That was the only change I made for these results so I have seen some slight results and ready to go the rest of the 30 days. 

Remember Kelly and her 365 days of happiness? She left a comment on the blog, “Oh yeah! The day of happy is a habit, and I am going to keep going. Not even going to set a limit on myself this time around! :)” WOW!!  Thanks, Kelly!  You’re a great testimonial to following through with a goal AND not only is it a habit, but you have even expanded it.  Congratulations!!

In tandem with your 30 day goal, this week I want to focus on how you talk to yourself. In this week’s Success magazine, Joel Osteen is on the cover. He is the pastor for the Lakewood Church in Houston, a motivational speaker, and an author of countless books. On the audio CD, included in the magazine, Joel’s comments had me continuously starting and stopping the interview so I could write down his message.  The gist… “Your Life Follows Your Thoughts.” What a powerful statement!

Interestingly enough it’s natural for some people to be negative. That’s what they heard when they were growing up so they often don’t even see themselves as negative. Turning around your self-talk is critical in order for your life to not only change but for your life to get better.

What is YOUR inner dialog? How do you talk to yourself? Are the negative “voices” trying to put you down, questioning your actions/decisions, telling you that you can’t do something? “If you don’t talk to yourself the right way then “your self” will talk to you. The negative thoughts will push you down,” according to Joel. Your MINDSET is the key!

 

How often do you find yourself listening to those negative voices? How often do you find yourself comparing yourself to others and feeling inadequate? How often do you find yourself trying to please others to avoid a conflict or hope that this time they will see your true value?  I must say that when I was younger, I fit into the more negative mindset category. On one hand I knew I did some things well and that I was good at some things, but then my thoughts would turn to...I should have done something better or everyone else is more talented. When I was younger, my sister use to call me “Miss Perfect.” Little did others know, I felt far from being perfect, I just wanted to do the right thing. (First born syndrome, I guess.) I had a colleague once tell me I was too organized. When I asked if I was imposing my system on him; he told me no, but it made him look bad.  I didn’t change and needless to say, he and I didn’t team teach together for very long.

The naysayers are out there! We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Your focus needs to be on what YOU believe in, what you’re “called” to do. I always wanted everyone to like me, I avoided conflicts, and earlier, I would try to do things so that others would feel more comfortable or that it would avoid problems. However, I knew in my heart of hearts, in my gut, that I was not being true to myself. I finally accepted, many years ago, that not everyone was going to like me, understand me etc. and that was ok. Many who are negative and critical are never going to be our supporters no matter what we do. Does any of that ring true for you? The key is to be true to yourself. It’s time to learn to tune out the naysayers. “We can’t let the naysayers, the haters, the critical people get into our inside “voice.” That will only keep us from being the best we can be.

Tuning out those naysayers is easier said than done, I totally get that. That is why Joel’s words hit home; “We need to shift our thinking and NOT take in the negative and the criticism if we don’t have to!”  If that battle isn’t between you and your destiny, your dreams, your goals, your values, then it’s not a battle worth fighting. There are always detractors and criticizers. Constructive criticism is one thing, but we’re talking about people who are never going to like us or be for us no matter what we do or say. Often times, these distractions are meant to get us off course. Ignore them!  Don’t waste your time. Retaliation may “feel” better for an instant, but it definitely doesn’t solve the problem, and we’ve now lowered ourselves to their level. If it’s not between you and your destiny then it’s just a distraction.

Acknowledge that ignoring the negative and not allowing it inside you is one thing, but what can you do to really make a change? First of all, look to surround yourself with people who do have a positive mindset, people who are moving forward, people that are accomplishing their dreams and desires, and people that walk their talk. These are people who are able to tune out the negative. YOU can be the one to stay respectful, YOU can be the one to take the high road, and YOU will be the one that will go further.  YOU must be true to who you are using your entire God given skills, talents, and heart. Personally, I’ve learned I would rather be criticized for who I am than criticized for who I’m not.

The transformation of my mindset was due to a focus and specific actions. First of all, I begin and end each day with gratitude. I am grateful for Jon, our children, and grandchildren, I’m grateful for my health, I’m excited about another new day on this earth etc. My focus is on what is going right not what is wrong. I continually listen to positive CD’s whenever I’m in the car, and I’m regularly reading things that will help me learn and grow. These small steps have had more of an influence in my daily mindset than I ever would have realized. When I focus on all that is right versus wrong then my days go much better.

I’m of the belief that we won’t ever reach our true potential if we aren’t being true to who we are on the inside. Our true blessings come when we are true to ourselves. More than just a positive mindset, we need to be listening to that inner “voice.” Joel Osteen states, “Your Life Follows Your Thoughts.” So much of life is about perspective (judgment). We each have our own perspective, our own judgement. We can either focus on what’s wrong, what we don’t have, how impossible something appears to be, or we can turn around our thinking. We can focus on what we do have, our creativity to solve the problems, and we can let go of what doesn’t “fit” with who we really are deep down in our core.

As you continue this next week with your 30 day goal, what is your mindset? Are you now finding the change is a little bit easier each day? It’s a journey, a process, and like Kelly found out, it is a habit worth establishing with very little effort.

Here’s an important question…Are you better off with your finances, are you wiser, are you further along in your career, are your relationships stronger, are you improving your health? We shouldn’t be at the same place we were a year ago. Now is a time for a new beginning.

Start the New Year off with your 30 day goal and follow through with that goal for the ENTIRE 30 days. Pay attention to your mindset.  Are you focusing on why this is a good thing for you to do for yourself? Are you focusing on the fact your goal will pay many dividends in your life? Are you focusing on the fact you WILL be successful for the 30 days? Or are you listening to those negative “voices” telling you this is hard, it’s not worth it, I don’t need to do this, I have other things that need to get done etc.?

Unless you want things to be exactly the same one year from now, something has to change. Now is the time. We all realize how quickly this year went by. DON’T let another year go by without making a change to improve yourself! One goal - 30 days!

I wish you a week of reflection, a week of continuing your 30 day goal, and a healthy, positive inner voice. Whatever is healthy is growing!

NO to New Years Resolutions!

I hope the beginning of 2016 has found you reflecting on the special times with friends and family with a smile on your face. I hope you enjoyed those few extra days off so you could spend time with others. Now that the holidays are behind us are you now ready to get back into a “normal” routine with more optimism and energy?

While everything is still fresh in your mind, find 10 minutes to sit in front of your computer with a blank sheet of paper and title it…Christmas 2016.  First bullet point a list of the things that you did this year that you want to be sure to do again next year. Maybe it was a different timeline that allowed you to enjoy versus stressing out, maybe it was that spur of the moment shopping time with your spouse/significant other, maybe it was putting your Christmas card list on a spread sheet including addresses etc. etc. Next, list all those things that you will definitely NOT do again. Maybe you stayed up until late making the perfect cookies for the office party. If that’s still a good idea then start it earlier so there isn’t that last minute stress. Maybe there was a family member who you felt took advantage of you yet you didn’t stand up for yourself. If it’s important that you stand up for yourself then say something when the timing is better or the other choice is to just let it go. Like most things, we think we’ll remember but that usually isn’t the case. The last key point with this list is…print it off and put it with your Christmas items and specifically the ones you usually put out first such as the Advent calendar.

How many of you write down your New Year’s Resolutions every year? How many of you manage to keep those resolutions throughout January? February? The definition of resolution is “a firm decision to do or not do something.” The key word is firm. So how firm is your decision to lose weight, set up a Christmas account, not get pulled into family drama, exercise daily etc. or do you find yourself two weeks into the New Year, and you’re back to “same old-same old? Hmmm… I guess that it really wasn’t important enough to be a resolution. I go back to my niece, Kelly, who made a resolution – a firm and committed decision – to find happiness each day, post it, and do this for an entire year! That’s 365 days! AND she did it!! Now, whether or not she continues to post the happiness of the day from now on doesn’t matter. Don’t you think that that habit has been established and she will, without any effort at all, find happiness somewhere in each day?

Bob Harper, a trainer on The Biggest Loser, was interviewed on the Today Show recently. He stated that he hates New Year’s Resolutions! (I tend to agree with him.) When asked to elaborate he says, “No one ever keeps them, they never last. Resolutions set people up for failure.” Haven’t you seen all the ads to join a gym and lose all those pounds put on over the holidays? Ask any gym owner and they will tell you the registrations for either a new membership or a renewal is always the heaviest around the holidays. They will even tell you that if everyone came that had a membership they wouldn’t have enough room. The history of these gym memberships shows a huge influx of people the first two week, the third week the participation is less, and by the end of January or the middle of February the numbers are back down once again. We are “back to our old ways.”

Does that mean goal setting or changing our ways is a bad thing? OF COURSE NOT!! What it does mean is we all need to make our resolutions more manageable. Kelly first started her Days of Happiness by setting a goal of 100 days. That’s a little over three months. Since that was manageable, she re-framed her goal and made it into 365 days. DONE! Would she have made it to 365 days if that was the original goal? I don’t know. What I do know is she was successful with the goal of 100 days and a habit was already formed. Personally, after her 365 days of happiness observation, I don’t think she can ever go back. What about it, Kelly? Let me know.

Bob Harper, as well as others, advocate that our resolutions start with 30 days!  That’s manageable. That allows us to see an end without a lot of struggle. The other piece of this advice is that we focus on ONE thing during the month rather than a whole list! According to Bob, “The biggest mistake people make when they do make resolutions is they try to change too many things. That sets us up for failure as well. We need to give ourselves a break.” ONE change in 30 days!

What’s your ONE change YOU want to make for the next 30 days? Remember, this is a FIRM decision of something you know you need to do either for your own physical well-being, your emotional well-being, your spiritual well-being, in your relationships etc. A dear friend, Milt Branch, has a quote he tells young people as he mentors and teaches. I wrote it down as it’s a strong message that we can all learn from…

”You almost never fail because of something you don’t know, but you almost always fail because of something you know but you don’t do it when you know it should be done.”

Read that again and again. It’s incredibly powerful. We know we should exercise, but we have excuses why we can’t. We know we shouldn’t drink so many sugary drinks, but they’re accessible and quick. We know we should pay attention to thanking people for even the little things, but it isn’t a habit so we don’t do it. We know we should eat more vegies, but we don’t do it because we don’t like them. We know we should sit down and ask our spouse/significant other about their day, but we’re too busy checking FB, emails, Twitter etc. We know we need to set up a system for the Christmas fund so we aren’t scrambling to pay a big bill in January, but we don’t do it. The list can go on and on.

The question comes down to, “What are you willing to do for 30 days to make a change in your life that will not only benefit you personally but everyone in your life? What are you willing to do for 30 days without ANY excuses? Not having enough time will no longer be an excuse. “But I like my energy drinks” will no longer be an excuse.” I hate vegies” can no longer be an excuse.

Instead, re-frame your thinking…If I take care of myself with more exercise, less sugary drinks, more veggies, less time on social media then I will live a longer more productive life and my relationships with the people I care the most about will improve.

Maybe your resolution for the next 30 days will be, “I will quit using excuses for why I CAN’T. I will be solution oriented when it comes to ……. (you fill in the blank.)

Bob Harper offered these ideas to consider depending on your personal habits:

·       

1   Cut out ALL sugary drinks. That includes adding sugar to your cup of coffee, the lattes with all the added flavoring, energy drinks, sodas etc.

·        Exercise three times a week. Find a program, DVD, class, etc. that you will commit to. If you’re the type of person that needs an accountability partner then find one.

·       Change your diet by adding more vegetables so you eat at least one meal six days a week where you incorporate a vegetable. The best ones are the green ones. AND it does not count by drowning it in dressing. Maybe it’s having a salad before you eat your dinner. Spinach and Romaine are the best lettuce choices. Iceberg lettuce has little nutritional value.

·       Set up a separate savings account with your bank that will only be used for Christmas purchases. Decide the amount of money you need for ALL purchases, donations etc. divide that amount by 12 and pay into your savings account EVERY month.

I

n order to make that one change, you will need to do some immediate planning.

·       If you eliminate those sugary drinks, what will you replace them with? Have those choices in your office refrigerator, always have water with you in the car etc.

·       If you need to find an exercise program, start looking right now. Etc.

DO NOT PROCRATINATE and say you’ll start next week, or next month. You’ve already set yourself up for failure. Reread Milt’s quote above…You almost always fail because of something you know but you don’t do it when you know it should be done.

No more New Year’s Resolutions.  What is ONE thing you will change in your life for the next 30 days that you will more likely sustain and reap the benefits?

For me, I am focusing on my sugar intake which means there is no glass of wine, fudge, or any other “goodies” until January 12^th. That will get my system starting to adjust. For the rest of the month, I resolve to not have any more than three glasses of wine in a week and to give myself a special sweet treat two days a week but not on the days I have a glass of wine.

My resolution is being shared with all of you so you are now my accountability partners. I’ll let you know next week my first week results. This is my FIRM decision, I’ve written it down on an index card to have in front of me at all times, and my goal is to reap the benefits of getting the “crap” out of my body and to feel more energy.

I wish you a week of reflection and a week of starting your own 30 day challenge. If we’re like Kelly who made a commitment, stuck to it, now has a new habit, and can see the results…we will all be stronger and healthier in all areas of our lives in 2016!

Wishing You a Blessed Christmas

Last week I wished for you a quiet reflection time of all that you’re grateful for before the holiday.  I hope you made a conscious effort to, first and foremost, take the time to be present and enjoy your spouse, significant other, your children, and friends.  As I talked about last week, it's so easy to get caught up with the "hoop la" and forget what this season is really all about whether you celebrate Hanukkah or Christmas.  We could focus on all the tragedies in our world today, or we can focus on what we do have control over and that's only ourselves.  What can I do each and every day to make a difference in my own life and to make a difference in others' lives? After all, it is a mindset.

Christmas is only a few days away now. Unfortunately, it seems we hear about so many more issues of domestic violence, assaults, suicides, drunk-driving etc. taking place during this time of year. Why is that?  Yes, there are people who aren't happy, are taking out their feelings of frustration and inadequacy on family members or on themselves. This time of year seems to exacerbate those stressors and challenges.  I would speculate that finances trigger many of these feelings both now and again when it comes time to pay off all the credit card bills.  

But what else?  Is it the reflection over the past year, and the realization that once again another year has passed and nothing is really any different?  Is it a focus on all the things that didn't happen and a poor pitiful me attitude?  Is it “looking around” comparing yourself to others that seem to “have it all together?”  In your mind, they don't seem to have any of the struggles that you have.  Or is it something else?  Does any of this ring true for you?  

I would suggest a couple ideas to think about.  One is that EVERYONE has struggles and challenges of some kind.  EVERYONE is dealing with some challenge whether it be physical, emotional, financial, with their relationships, or spiritual.  Even those that look like they have THE perfect life have some kind of struggle, but we each deal with those challenges and struggles in our own personal way.  The choice might be to ignore, or deny, or we choose not to focus on the challenge itself but the lessons being learned along the way.  Some “suffer” in silence while others “wear their struggle on their sleeve” and let everyone around them know they're suffering.  A second thought is if the same feelings are constantly reoccurring then why haven’t you done anything about them?  Is it easier to wallow in misery and discomfort blaming everyone but yourself, than it is to take action and make changes? 

Make this holiday season different than ever before.  Give gifts from your heart that you can afford, make a conscious effort to let go of a nit picking, exasperated mindset when with a difficult relative even if it’s your own spouse, parent, in-law, or sibling.  Let go of the judgment, criticism, and perfect expectations.   Come away, this season, with a feeling of resolve.  Maybe it’s watching the behavior of someone else and making the commitment  to never be that way yourself, maybe it’s looking at being grateful for whatever little things you can find, maybe it’s realizing that if you can be loving and compassionate, you get far more of the same in return.  Maybe the difference is to let go of that perfect Christmas card picture, sit back, and just enjoy.

We will be spending Christmas with our daughter and her family, and New Years with our son and his family.   I plan to take in each moment fully.

I wish for you a special holiday time that includes: reflection, quiet moments, and gratitude.

Holiday Time

Hanukkah has ended and Christmas is 10 days away.  There’s a flurry of parties, shopping, meal planning, travel plans, cards to send, baking to do, and the list goes on and on.  However, what does that list look like for our military families who will be without a loved one?  What does that list look like for a family barely getting by or someone who has recently lost a loved one?  There are so many different scenarios that get lost in that flurry, yet even when things are going well, what are our expectations for this holiday time?

Are you someone that needs to have everything perfect?  Maybe you feel all family members need to be present or it isn't a complete celebration.  Do you get stressed out with all that’s on your “to do” list, or maybe you’re already anticipating difficulty with a particular family member or members? With married children, you may need to “share” time with the in-laws or take turns with the various holidays.  That becomes another challenge when grandchildren are involved.  Any of this ringing true for you?  We all have our own ways to deal with the holidays and the various circumstances we face.  So what do we do?

The perfect scenario actually seems to only exist in one place:  a picture on a greeting card.  According to Dr. Phil, “In the real world, with our fast-paced lives, the holidays usually mean stress.  We’re scrambling to make that shopping list, fretting about our budget,” spending time with family members who are negative and always complaining.  “During the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, we pile expectations on ourselves and everyone around us.”  And because we’re feeling overwhelmed with all the things that “must get done" on that seemingly endless list,” we end up taking out our stress on those we love the most – our spouse, our small children, our adult children, parents, co-workers, clients etc. etc.  And we justify our behavior, to ourselves, because we’re trying to make this whole “holiday event” special for everyone.  Sounding a little contradictory?

“You can’t have a holiday with meaning until you decide what means the most to you, so ask yourself where your true priorities lie.  If you value time with your small children, or your kids who will be home from college, or your parents will be with you etc. why add more to your list?  If you want to enjoy your day off, don’t sign up for a shift as a cook and maid; make a reservation at an affordable restaurant instead.”  Maybe by taking a couple things off your list, you will actually decrease your stress level.  Maybe you want to focus on gratitude; if so, you might step out of the commercial frenzy by feeding homeless families at a community center.”  If your actions reflect what means the most to you then you’re “walking your talk.” 

After the holidays are over, are you looking back on the events with a smile?  Or are you slumped on the couch, exhausted, and just glad it’s all over?  You will be the one to determine that final feeling. “It doesn't matter if you've celebrated the same way forever.  This year you can create the experience you want.  You just have to quit letting guilt control you and throw traditions that aren't working for you out the door,” according to Dr. Phil.

“Making the Holidays More Enjoyable” according to Dr. Phil:  (1)The first question he asks is whether or not the expectations we have are realistic.  People have a tendency to get upset with not what actually happens but that the expectations weren’t met.  So, are the expectations realistic?  Is this new or does the same stress and discomfort happen year after year?  You may need to re-examine your expectations and check to see they match your priorities.  (2) He also suggests lightening up and go with the flow.  Take a step back and relax.  (3) Remember that Christmas, or any holiday, is NOT the time for a problem-solving session.  Deal with family issues at another time. (Commit to making 2016 the year to get closure on unresolved issues with family.)  (4) Limit the time you spend with family.  It may be special for everyone to be together, but there’s no need to overdo it.  (Getting back to family routines is important for everyone especially our little ones.)  (5) If a meal is stressful, try making changes.  Simplify the menu, or serve buffet style, or make it a potluck.  (6)Give yourself permission to let go of the things that in the big picture don’t really matter and people won’t even remember.  That may mean all the vacuuming isn’t done, the piles are still there (hide the stuff) etc.  Would your children rather have your attention or see you focusing more on those other things?  If they’re old enough, let them be a part of the preparations –who cares if it isn’t just perfect or that you could do it much faster without their “help.”  It’s the time together that’s important.  (That is obviously one of my priorities – time together.)  (7) If the holidays make you feel empty and/or alone, give to others.  The best way to get is to give – even if you’re not feeling empty and alone.  

“It doesn’t matter if you’ve celebrated the same way forever.  This year you can create the experience you want that meshes with your priorities surrounding this time of year.  You just have to quit letting guilt control you or allowing others’ expectations control your actions.  Throw out, keep, or change traditions that either are or are not working for you.  Remember what the holidays are really about.  Family togetherness, spiritual enlightenment and camaraderie with friends are far more important than the details that we often focus on. 

I wish for you a quiet reflection time of all that you’re grateful for.  Here’s to this time, before the holiday, being days of less stress and more memory creating!  It’s in your control and it is a mindset.

What does REAL mean to you?

Last week, I wished you a week of SMILING and continuing to do the little things. I will be the first to admit that in light of yet another unthinkable massacre smiling is difficult to do. It’s amazing how quickly our sense of security can be challenged especially if you watch or listen to the media. We can get caught up in listening to the latest reports which then our bodies and minds have a physical response of depression and sadness. Until we were away for three days spending time playing with our grandchildren and only watching sports neither one of us was aware of how much better and “lighter” we felt driving home than we did a few days earlier. There’s definitely a balance between being aware and informed and being consumed. I would offer the suggestion to pay attention to the amount of time you are investing into listening and watching the news.

I keep coming back to the thought that although it may appear that life is unraveling right before our eyes, I am still the Polly Anna that believes we can make a difference in our own lives each and every day. So yes, smiling is important and yes, continuing to do the little things is important.

How many of you have ever read The Velveteen Rabbit by Margaret Williams and if so how long has it been since you read the book? I recently came across it in my special selections for the grand kids, so I decided to reread it. I must admit that I’m not always very good at pulling out all the messages the author wants the reader to interpret but the essence here is the pursuit of becoming real.  My first question then is, “So what exactly does real mean?”

The book The Velveteen Principles, A Guide to Becoming Real by Toni Raiten-D’Antonio suggests that real is kindness, empathy, and individuality. “Sadly, most of us lose touch with this spirit as we move through life and come under the influence of the Object culture. Society’s one-size-fits-all recipe for success is what disconnects us from what is Real.” I would suggest that each of us is on some kind of journey to find our true self and to be able to live the life we were meant to live. Isn’t that being real? The key word for me in the description above is the word individuality.

In a conversation with Amanda this weekend, she made the comment that she has never felt normal. Hmm…what does THAT mean? To me, normal means average, and I definitely DO NOT want to be average. Does not feeling normal mean we don’t fit in with others, we don’t follow the general consensus of what is “cool,” and/or we don’t abide by the practices of the majority? We all have our own perceptions of what we “should” do and what others think we should do. But what do our actions reflect? Do we value others and their thinking more than what we value as our own reality our own realness?

“We can make progress toward a more fulfilling life if we adopt a realistic point of view. In the way most people use that term, being realistic means ­settling for what you can get. But in Toni’s view, we are realistic when we honor our special abilities, interests and dreams. These all come from our deep Real selves.” That’s the definition I relate to for this blog.

In the process of our life’s journey, I would venture to guess that each and every one of us has gone through a period of time and may still be going through, that discovery of what being real means to each of us as an individual. The expectations we think others have of us, the “looking the part” of normalcy is a constant challenge, and the “I should…” mantra in our head clouds our true search. We don’t want people to think we aren’t under control of ourselves, our children, our family, our work etc. etc. all the time. Heaven forbid, that we have a dysfunctional marriage, or a special needs child that acts out, or a family member that has some type of addition problem, or that we are struggling with our finances and can barely afford to pay the mortgage let alone buy presents for everyone during this holiday season.

I believe a real life is possible for each one of us, however, we must be willing to face the fact that what is normal or real to us may or may not be normal or real to the next person and that’s ok. I would also suggest that each and every one of us is dealing with some kind of a struggle though we may “look” like nothing is wrong. We have to individually decide our own truth, our own reality. To be able to walk that truth and speak that truth is a freeing experience. When we are able to do that it takes us further down the path to discovering our own realness.

Before I go any further, I find myself fluctuating back and forth with some of my words because of all the craziness and extremism in this world today. I recognize there are those extremists. However, that is NOT my audience. I hope that in these blogs you are aware that my goal is to make each and every one of us the Best that we can be as a person on this earth.

Through examining our own beliefs, our own value, our own uniqueness, our own essence then I believe we all find our own definition to what is real for us individually. I wish you freedom to celebrate your virtues, your individuality, and what you have already brought to yourself, your family, and the people who mean the most to you.

For those around you who are judgmental, naysayers etc. all you need is a broken record response…”That’s what you think/feel, however, I don’t think/feel the same way.” This broken record response allows you to not get into arguments, and you don’t need to have any type of conversation trying to convince someone that you’re right. The people who truly know your spirit and your value will support you.

During this holiday season, I wish you gratitude for all you have learned about yourself to this point and gratitude for all that you know you can become each and every day.

“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.” (unknown author)

Here’s to a week of learning more about your own truth, learning who is the real YOU.