Hanukkah has ended and
Christmas is 10 days away. There’s a flurry of parties, shopping,
meal planning, travel plans, cards to send, baking to do, and the list goes on
and on. However, what does that list look like for our military
families who will be without a loved one? What does that list look
like for a family barely getting by or someone who has recently lost a loved
one? There are so many different scenarios that get lost in that
flurry, yet even when things are going well, what are our expectations for this
holiday time?
Are you someone that
needs to have everything perfect? Maybe you feel all family members need
to be present or it isn't a complete celebration. Do you
get stressed out with all that’s on your “to do” list, or maybe you’re already
anticipating difficulty with a particular family member or members? With
married children, you may need to “share” time with the in-laws or take turns
with the various holidays. That becomes another challenge when
grandchildren are involved. Any of this ringing true for
you? We all have our own ways to deal with the holidays and the
various circumstances we face. So what do we do?
The perfect scenario
actually seems to only exist in one place: a picture on a greeting
card. According to Dr. Phil, “In the real world, with our fast-paced
lives, the holidays usually mean stress. We’re scrambling to make
that shopping list, fretting about our budget,” spending time with family
members who are negative and always complaining. “During the weeks
between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, we pile expectations on ourselves and
everyone around us.” And because we’re feeling overwhelmed with all
the things that “must get done" on that seemingly endless list,” we end up
taking out our stress on those we love the most – our spouse, our small
children, our adult children, parents, co-workers, clients etc.
etc. And we justify our behavior, to ourselves, because we’re trying
to make this whole “holiday event” special for everyone. Sounding a
little contradictory?
“You can’t have a
holiday with meaning until you decide what means the most to you, so ask
yourself where your true priorities lie. If you value time with your small children, or your
kids who will be home from college, or your parents will be with you etc. why
add more to your list? If you want to enjoy your day off, don’t sign
up for a shift as a cook and maid; make a reservation at an affordable
restaurant instead.” Maybe by taking a couple things off your
list, you will actually decrease your stress level. Maybe you want
to focus on gratitude; if so, you might step out of the commercial frenzy by
feeding homeless families at a community center.” If your actions
reflect what means the most to you then you’re “walking your talk.”
After the holidays are
over, are you looking back on the events with a smile? Or are you
slumped on the couch, exhausted, and just glad it’s all over? You will be
the one to determine that final feeling. “It doesn't matter if you've celebrated
the same way forever. This year you can create the experience you want. You
just have to quit letting guilt control you and throw traditions that aren't working
for you out the door,” according to Dr. Phil.
“Making the Holidays
More Enjoyable” according to Dr. Phil: (1)The first question he asks
is whether or not the expectations we have are realistic. People
have a tendency to get upset with not what actually happens but that the
expectations weren’t met. So, are the expectations
realistic? Is this new or does the same stress and discomfort happen
year after year? You may need to re-examine your expectations and
check to see they match your priorities. (2) He also suggests
lightening up and go with the flow. Take a step back and
relax. (3) Remember that Christmas, or any holiday, is NOT the time
for a problem-solving session. Deal with family issues at another
time. (Commit to making 2016 the year to get closure on unresolved issues
with family.) (4) Limit the time you spend with
family. It may be special for everyone to be together, but there’s
no need to overdo it. (Getting back to family routines is important
for everyone especially our little ones.) (5) If a meal is
stressful, try making changes. Simplify the menu, or serve buffet
style, or make it a potluck. (6)Give yourself permission to let go
of the things that in the big picture don’t really matter and people won’t even
remember. That may mean all the vacuuming isn’t done, the piles are
still there (hide the stuff) etc. Would your children rather have
your attention or see you focusing more on those other things? If
they’re old enough, let them be a part of the preparations –who cares if it
isn’t just perfect or that you could do it much faster without their
“help.” It’s the time together that’s important. (That is
obviously one of my priorities – time together.) (7) If the holidays
make you feel empty and/or alone, give to others. The best way to
get is to give – even if you’re not feeling empty and alone.
“It doesn’t matter if
you’ve celebrated the same way forever. This year you can create the
experience you want that meshes with your priorities surrounding this time of
year. You just have to quit letting guilt control you or allowing
others’ expectations control your actions. Throw out, keep, or
change traditions that either are or are not working for
you. Remember what the holidays are really about. Family
togetherness, spiritual enlightenment and camaraderie with friends are far more
important than the details that we often focus on.
I wish for you a quiet
reflection time of all that you’re grateful for. Here’s to this time,
before the holiday, being days of less stress and more memory creating! It’s
in your control and it is a mindset.
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