I'm Taking Back ME!

I hope you had a week of focusing on making a difference in a positive, respectful way in your own corner of the world. I also hope you were able to hold those around you, if necessary, to speaking with respect and without degrading others!

Happy Valentine’s Day.  This is a day that comes with a myriad of emotions depending on your personal situation.  We see in all the advertisements, TV ads, and promotions etc. happy couples.  We’re encouraged to spend money on chocolates, flowers or even jewelry (those are the top three items purchased), spend a romantic dinner with our loved one, and this day is one of the largest number of marriage proposal days after Christmas.  It can be a fun time for the kids when they exchange Valentines at school; they get Valentines from Mom and Dad, grandparents and others.  I must admit I get caught up with finding a special card for Jon and the grandkids. Of course there is also the baking of heart shaped cookies and cupcakes, eating those little heart-shaped candies with the messages written on them, besides other sugary goodies.  It can be a fun, love-filled time for so many.

There is another side of this holiday, however.  Are you having difficulty in your marriage/relationship?  Maybe you’re divorced.  Maybe you’re single and really wanting to be in a meaningful relationship.  This time can be agonizing.  Your child may be the one with a lot of friends and receives a lot of Valentines.  But what about that child who feels left out and doesn’t have a lot of friends?  No matter where we are in our lives young and old, we want to feel valued and loved by those around us.  I encourage you to think outside your own world and reach out during this Valentine season to include those who could use that special Valentine that you’re thinking of them.  Take action, look around, and seek out not only those who you would normally reach out to but those who could use something special. 

I was re-reading the Jon Gordon book, Energy Bus.  Perfect timing. I wasn’t very far in the book when I came across this, “Thoughts are magnetic. What we think about, we attract. What we think about expands and grows. What we put our attention and energy on starts to show up more in our life. AND the energy we project through our thoughts is the energy we receive.”

I know all that. I know that what I focus on expands, yet I have been guilty of getting caught up with all the toxic, negative events happening in our world today. I happened to pick up this book again for a reason. I needed a reminder.

More reminders…”We’re not talking about the fake kind of chest-thumping rah, rah positive energy that simply masks our negativity and annoys people. We’re talking about real positive energy that helps you overcome obstacles and challenges to create success. We’re talking about trust, faith, enthusiasm, purpose, joy, and happiness. We’re talking about positive energy to inspire and lead others.”  That’s powerful!

I think what I have personally been missing was allowing my positive “tank” to empty and the emptiness was filled with negativity. It has all been my fault. I was “feeding the wrong dog” and as Gordon says in the book, “it’s physically impossible to be stressed and thankful at the same time.”

As we all know, there will always be negativity everywhere. There will always be negative people and the negativity they represent. It’s been evident that negativity breeds self-doubt, fear, hopelessness, and negative energy that can totally drain you. Remember that disrespect and a lack of civility of other’s opinions, other’s belief system is a part of that negativity.

So what do we do? “Positive energy is like a muscle. The more you use it the stronger it gets. The stronger it gets the more powerful you will become. Repetition is the key and the more you focus on positive energy the more it becomes your natural state.” In other words, it’s practice! No surprise, right? Like anything you do that is not a habit; it takes consistent repetition for it to become a part of you.

What else is in our control? Be self-aware. In all areas of our lives, we are being manipulated to what others want us to believe – good, bad, and indifferent. Our newspapers, advertisements, TV news, TV shows, Facebook, Twitter etc. etc. If we are mindful of this manipulation then we can decide if what’s being said or written is something we believe, something we need to check into and learn more, or something that doesn’t fit with our own viewpoint. Why not question? Why not investigate the opposite stand for at least a comparison?

It's also in our control to make a conscious decision to eliminate the toxic people and environments as much as possible. That might include getting off social media for a period of time. After all, that IS in my control. Why would I subject myself to not being valued for who I am and my belief system? I only need God's love and guidance.

Too many of us try to please others which only make us unhappy. Too many go along with the crowd without knowing why. When YOU feel good YOU “give” from power. When you’re caught up in all the negativity and only feel good by pleasing others and/or going along with the crowd mentality, you will only give away your own “power” and happiness.

I am taking back my natural tendency to be a positive, grateful woman who feels very blessed in my life, and I refuse to be influenced by toxic negativity which includes a lack of respect and tolerance for differences.

I wish you a week of examining your own belief system in ALL areas of your life and be true to your own heart despite whether or not others support you.  

Life Lessons from a Farmer Part 3

I hope everyone had a fun and safe 4^th of July.  It is a time for social gatherings, bbq’s, and the American flag being displayed.  I LOVE the patriotic music, the magnificent firework displays, and the pride of our country that people openly show during this time. Despite the controversy with the race related turmoil, the rights for all relationships being deemed Constitutional, do not lose sight of the fact that because we live in the United States of America, we CAN and DO have a voice, and we CAN make a difference - change can happen!  Also don’t lose sight of the fact that there is an awful lot RIGHT about our democratic society.  I choose to focus on what’s going right, how I can make a difference in my own world, and that many people/organizations etc. are making a difference in many ways in our country! 

Last week, I challenged you to identify the type of “soil” you are working with and what weeds are a part of your life. I asked you to be as specific and detailed as possible.  “Yes, some of those weeds may be a family member, even a spouse, or a boss.  That’s ok.  You’re not judging.  You are only gathering your own data in order to analyze what YOU need to do to move forward.”  So what did you come up with? 

In order to move forward, you need a clear picture of where you are right now – good, bad, or indifferent.  What are you “feeding” your mind and body on a daily basis? (What seeds are you planting?)  Are you listening to positive music?  Are you listening to CD’s with a focus on learning something new about yourself, your relationships, your career, your spiritual life, your nutrition, your health etc.? Are you surrounding yourself with as many positive, encouraging people as possible and limiting the interactions with toxic people as much as you can?  We all have times when we can’t control the  toxic people we have to deal with on a regular basis.  What IS in our control is to either deal with the situation and then walk away without carrying the toxicity with us or deciding the relationship is worth working on and creating time to focus on making a change for the better. 

If you’re already finding yourself thinking…that’s well and good for you to say, you aren’t working, you’re retired and have all the “time in the world,” STOP! Be “real” and recognize you have just moved into making excuses and rationalizing your behavior once again. NOTHING will ever change if YOU don’t change.  What is in your control is to:  turn off the TV for 30 minutes and read something of value, make a phone call rather than texting someone when you have something you want to talk about, find time (whatever that may be) for your own quiet time in order to process your day, end each day with at least 10 things you’re grateful for that happened that day, begin each day with what you are looking forward to that day, each day find a way to make a difference in someone’s life that’s tangible.  That may be a thank you, a hug, words of encouragement, stating specifically what you appreciated about what someone did for you or someone you love, and the list can go on and on.  Notice it doesn’t take a lot of time and it will pay many more dividends in the long run. 

A big one for me is respect.  I sometimes find we are far more respectful to strangers or people we don't know well than we are to our own spouse, significant other, children, family members, close friends and even co-workers.  Others may not treat you with respect, but that’s not the point.  YOU’RE the one creating fertile, healthy soil.  YOU are in control of treating others with respect.

Now the question is, “What does respect ‘look like and sound like” to you?”  Body language is an incredible communicator both positively and negatively.  Avoiding the rolled eyes, the “I told you so’s,” needing something to get done but not being clear on what that is and when you’d like to see it done then getting upset when it hasn’t happened, demeaning someone in front of others, making fun of someone or something then saying you were just kidding or can’t the other person take a joke. Those are just a few of those zingers that push people into corners and they become defensive or withdrawn.  It’s amazing what a please and thank you can do.  They truly are “magic words.”  If you pay attention to the body language of others, you will be able to tell if your words and actions are uplifting or deflating.  If you focus on your own body language you can tell a great deal on what makes you feel respected and what doesn’t. 

Our farmers are very careful when they need to add nutrients to their fields and yes, maybe even add something to get rid of the weeds.  In order to make the right decisions, they have to read, investigate, take note of changes both good and bad, ask for feedback from someone with more information, ask questions to someone who is skilled in the particular area of concern, and sometimes they have to change their “same old, same old” way of doing things.  The situation isn’t working or at least getting the results they are wanting.  Doing nothing isn’t an option unless they don’t care about the crops and final yield. 

That word “change” means there’s a point of being uncomfortable, out of the usual “comfort zone,” and even reaching “out of the box” to do something that’s new and different.  The focus, however, needs to be on the outcome. When YOU change, your focus should be on having a healthy, fulfilling life in all areas of your life.  It means you have to be willing to let go of the past, you have to let go of grudges, you have to let go of “evening the score,” you have to let go of all the hurt feelings…How have those actions served you so far?  The answer is probably, “Not so much.”  Interestingly enough, we often times find ourselves more open to change in the work environment, but it’s much more difficult being open and honest with our spouse or a family member.

Why is it the people we love the most are the ones we have the hardest time being honest with, treating with respect, and celebrating life with each day?  In order to love, we also make ourselves vulnerable.  If we’ve been hurt, if trust has been broken, or we feel we’re not valued, then our tendency is to be defensive, suspicious, condescending (we think that’s protecting ourselves – NOT), and we avoid a conversation that allows for truth, apologies, and a rebuilding of trust to begin.  It takes “guts” to being open and vulnerable because we “could be hurt” again.  I come back to, “Are you living the life you want to live?”  I believe God has great plans for each and every one of us, and it’s our responsibility to pursue a path of learning and growing, trusting, and loving, in all areas of our lives especially with the people we love the most.  I can only control me.  (As a disclaimer, when you’re in a relationship with someone who has an addiction, it is more important to get yourself in the right place and to get the support you need.  That is a whole different situation needing different types of support and communication.)

I use to think, “If I could only go back and change x,y, and z, then everything would be better.”  Now I know the past is the past, things happened for a reason, what did I learn so I can apply that learning going forward, and I don’t want to waste any more time.  I want to move forward taking one step at a time.  Plant new seeds in your mind and body by changing one small area of your life.  Is it to read 10 pages in a positive book each day?  Maybe it’s to remember the magic words. Whatever it is JUST DO IT!

Be vigilant and observe your progress, access the differences in yourself, and never quit moving forward!  Like the lessons from our farmers:  (1) there’s no cutting corners, (2) do whatever it takes even if no one is watching (YOU ARE!), (3) it’s easier to do it right this time versus going back to fix adjust, mend, (4) be accountable to your own success and well being with NO excuses!

Here’s to a week of successful planting.  YOU are worth it!

All Our Souls are the Same Color

Did you make a decision to do one of the ideas listed last week to help increase your energy?  Maybe you had a different idea but you still committed to the 30 days.  After the first week, how did you do?  Remember to keep track and write it down.  We think we’ll remember, but that’s not usually the case in the long run.  Plus, according to Zig Ziglar, and many others, the written goal is much more powerful and has a much higher chance of happening when it’s written down.

On Facebook, I shared a powerful visual of many different colored arms with the caption, “God created our skin tones with beautiful variety, but all our souls are the same color.”  That particular image truly spoke to me especially in light of all that’s happened the past few months from Ferguson, to Baltimore, to Texas, and even here in one of our own Boulder middle schools.  We can focus all our energy (there’s that word again) on how awful our world is and all the negatives.  I am not taking any of these incidences lightly, which are only a microcosm of everything else happening around the world, but I also am of the viewpoint that I can only deal with my world.  With this perspective, I am writing from my heart today. “All our souls are the same color.”

I am one person as are each of you.  I choose to believe that in my own little way, I can make a difference and have an impact.  Take a step back and view your “sphere of influence.”  Who does that include?  A spouse, partner, or significant other?  Children?  Grandchildren?  Parents?  Siblings?  Other relatives?  Neighbors?  Friends?  Organizations you belong to?  Colleagues?  You get the picture...our sphere of influence is wide spread.  With that in mind, what are the values you stand by?  What is your belief system in all areas of your life?  What are you teaching your children and grandchildren about life and about how to treat others?  Do you walk your talk?  Do you have a particular view about religion, race, ethnic backgrounds, education, sexuality, economic levels etc.?  Once again that list can go on and on. That saying may also read, “All our souls are the same.”  

In my mind, we are all human beings and deserve to be treated in a respectful manner!  Respect, appreciating differences, not being judgmental, and having conversations to learn are all in our control.  We can start each day with our own prayer of, “Today is a day full of abundance and blessings,” then end each day reflecting on all the blessings and all the abundance.  Let’s see a ripple effect of our intentions to celebrate differences rather than be afraid, let’s celebrate and acknowledge differences without judgment.  We can have our own opinions, we can share those with others in a respectful way, with the focus to listen, learn, grow, and be respectful.  You never know when your words will have an impact on those around you.  It may be MANY years later when we read something or someone shares an unforgettable time, a special memory.  Our children and our grandchildren are watching our “every move,” they hear all the conversations (even the ones we think they didn't hear), the tone of our voice, they see our choices, they recognize when our words and actions don't match, and they are little “mini me’s.” 

What are you doing each day to send out a “ripple effect” with the message, “All our souls are the same color,” and “All our souls are the same?” 

In light of Mother’s Day this Sunday, I want to wish all the Mother’s a very special day!  I’m fortunate to still have my mom, Mary Jean Tilden, still on this earth and count her as one of my blessings each day.  Whether you know your mother or not, whether your mother is alive or not, whether you have a relationship with your mother or not, no matter your story, your mother did give you life, and for that count your blessings. 

What's the Magic Word?

It was a fabulous three days spent in Illinois visiting Jason, Michelle, and 22 month old, Teagan.  It’s always amazing to me how quickly she changes in a relatively short amount of time.  She is full of energy and “talking” all the time – more and more words which we can all understand now.  I attribute much of that talking because of her learning sign language.  All of our grandchildren have learned to sign.  It opens up a whole new world where they can express their needs long before they can actually say the word, eliminating so many frustrating times for both the parents and the child – and grandparents.  Words such as “eat,” “milk,” “more,” are some of the first ones they learn.  Then there’s the “magic word” – “PLEASE.”  MANNERS! It’s a word that is used at first with some prompting and now it’s a habit.

In the 14 hour drive, I was able to catch up with reading the April issue of Success magazine.  On page 20, an article entitled, “Family Manners; Giving Loved Ones a Taste of Workplace Etiquette,” by Melissa Balmain, caught my attention.  She acknowledged she and her husband began to realize they were “more polite to people we weren’t married to than we were to each other.”  What they began was their own “campaign” for courtesy by asking themselves:  “Would I treat someone at the office this way?”  This campaign, as she called it, was saying those “magic words” such as please, thank you, you’re welcome, and excuse me. “ It didn’t stop there.  Melissa realized she had made a promise to her eight year old daughter about making a charm bracelet together, but she had been postponing that.  That is until she realized, like a boss she once had had kept postponing her “pet project.”  Her 14 year old son hadn’t been paid for babysitting he had done in the past.  “If he had been an adult employee of mine, he could have long sued me for back pay and won.”  Then there were the emails and phone calls from parents, siblings, friends that had been put on the back burner until “she could get to them.”  Not a top priority like her work emails and phone calls.  The results of her new focus is the family, siblings, and friends are answered in a more timely way – respect for other people and their time. 

Melissa’s new mantra…”Do Unto Family as You Would Do Unto Colleagues.”  Why not remember what we learned in the Bible a long time ago…”Do unto others, as we would have others do unto us?” It can start as easy as Teagan and my other four grandchildren practice – use the “magic word” PLEASE.

Your task for this week is to watch yourself.  How are you doing in the respect and manners category with your spouse?  Your children?  Your parents?  Your friends?  It has nothing to do with time, lack of skills, money, or any of the other easy to use excuses.  It’s ALL about how much we respect care, and value those closest to us. 

Thank you for reading my blog this week.