You Create What You Expect

How did you do recognizing and acknowledging those people who are helping you pack YOUR parachute? I was not only recognizing the positive contributions people added to my parachute, I also realized people and situations which could have had a negative effect and those were the ones I was quick to avoid.

Have you ever heard of the Expectant Theory?  Darren Hardy, in one of his Daily thought emails, mentioned this concept. “Expectations that the brain creates can be as real as those created by events in the real world.” There was an interesting study done in Japan where students were blind folded and a harmless shrub was rubbed on one arm. The students were told, however, that what was rubbed on their arm was poison ivy. All the students exhibited classic symptoms associated with poison ivy such as itching, boils, and redness.  The other arm was rubbed with poison ivy and the students were told it was a harmless shrub.  Only 2 out of the 13 broke out with symptoms. Despite the fact this was a very small study, there have been others to support the ideas of expectancy. Psychologists explain this theory with the fact that what the brain creates can be as real as those created by events in the real world.

“You get in life what you create. We are creative and productive beings and our life is the result of all the things we have created. So what are YOU creating? What you expect to happen is what your creative capacity goes to work on producing.”  Jim Rohn says, “What you focus on expands,” which is essentially the same concept. Hmmm…that takes away the usual excuses. Our tendency is to blame others for the results, or we rationalize what happened. If I had had the time, I could have passed that test but I was so busy and I have to work too. I’m not in a job where I can meet other people my age, and I can’t find someone I really care about. I’m a working mom with two kids, my husband is very busy in his job, so I don’t have time to exercise to lose these extra 20 pounds. I come from a divorced family so I’ve never had a good feeling about myself and can’t seem to get ahead in my career. Not to minimize these challenges because they are real, I would also challenge the desire and the expectations.

We’ve all heard the stories of people who have overcome extremely difficult situations and environments. What is it about those that are able to break out and “do something” with their lives versus those who are stuck and never make a move to change their situation? Isn’t that the million dollar question? Many movies have been made about overcoming. One of my favorites is Blind Side.  If you haven’t seen that movie, it’s a MUST. For me, there were several messages on a variety of levels. (1) People were willing to step up and make a difference in the life of someone less fortunate. (2) The young man had a special talent but without the help in the classrsoom he wouldn’t have succeeded. (3) It takes a desire and hard work to change. (4) There was a goal of not only getting an education but also to be able to play football. (5) There are people “out there” that don’t want you succeed and will do what they can to bring you down to their level. If you succeed then what does that say about them? (6) The commitment on the part of both the young man and the family supporting him was a journey full of setbacks and challenges. (7) Though there were times to regroup and re-evaluate, no one quit. No “wall” was too big to get over. Expectations of abundance.

What are those voices in your head?  Is that voice one of limitations or a voice of doing whatever it takes? How do you react when you have done everything you can do, but something you really want(ed) doesn’t happen or at least hasn’t happened yet?  You didn’t make the team, you haven’t found that special person, you didn’t get in to the school you had your heart set on, you didn’t get that promotion etc. etc.  Is that voice one of moving forward to learn and grow with each experience or is that voice always reminding you what you didn’t get when you were 18, 28, 50? Is that voice one of gratitude of what you DO have or is that voice resurfacing the negatives and things that haven’t happened for you?  Is that voice in your head one of positive and acknowledging those precious moments or does that voice only remember the negatives the person has said or done?  After all, we have a choice.  We have a choice of what we expect.  We have a choice of which voice we listen to. We have a choice of making a change if we don’t like the way something is going.  We have a choice of action or staying stagnant.

 I acknowledge that this is MY life. With that ownership, I can move forward controlling my attitude and my expectations. I wasn’t in control being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, my sister-in-law wasn’t in control when she had an almost fatal stroke, divorce happens, tough things happen to good people. Those are things that happen…now it’s time to face the fears, the anger, the frustration and all those negative reactions to whatever happened, and it’s time to move forward.  I choose to expect that there will be people who are cheering me on, who want me to succeed. I choose to expect that I will learn from my mistakes and success will be in my future. Lynn is amazing as she is now reaching out to others who are not only stroke victims but also to the medical community. She is giving them “another set of eyes” to learn how to work with stroke victims. Lynn focuses on her life and how she can impact all those around her rather than focusing on her limitations.  For me, Lynn is creating a life of significance, positive influence, and positive expectations.

Remember that I started out by saying that psychologists define the Expectant Theory as the expectations our brain creates. This is a reality proven by science. If our brain has learned to have limited expectations we can also train our brain to have a life open to abundant expectations.

Expectations are a mindset; however, you can’t just sit back and expect something to happen. It does take work, it does take focus, it does take desire and determination, and it takes getting out of your normal routine and comfort zone. It does take ACTION.  It does take CHANGE. Maybe that means getting to practice earlier than anyone else and shooting extra free throws or having your quarterback throw you more passes before practice starts. Maybe that means setting up a coffee date with someone you just met, and you’d like to find out more about that person. Maybe that means letting go of limiting beliefs about yourself because someone once told you that you would never get a college education or that you’d never amount to anything.

Maria Shriver once said, “Life is messy and rarely goes the way we plan.  We often allow it to knock us down, depress us, make us feel that we’re not worthy which none of that is true.”  I would challenge you to think about your expectations when you go into any situation. Expect limitations and the negative and that it surely what you will get. OR expect abundance that ignites your heart and makes you better. Then follow up with the actions that will make that abundance happen. 

I wish you a week of thinking about what you are creating.  You create what you expect.  What do you expect?  

Do You Have Intestinal Fortitude?

First of all, how did you do this past week with setting more specific expectations but this time with clear examples?  What did you learn by doing things a little different?  Could you see a difference in the outcome?  I’d love to hear your discoveries.

Here’s a quick recap of our weekend in Illinois for Jon’s birthday and the first football game of season two for Jason.  We had a wonderful time with the grandchildren playing, playing, and more playing.  That meant climbing up the rock wall to the top of the play set in order to go down the spiral slide. If you’re on Facebook, there is evidence of our two year old grandson pushing Poppa down, and Jon coming out at the end. Driving a mini gator was a definite hit, and the kids were all great about taking turns driving around the yard. I love football and the atmosphere of game day!  The Spartans kicked off at 6:00 Saturday night for the first home game. This is only the second season EVER for the program Jason is building and though it was a loss they did score a TD (it wasn’t until the second or third game before that happened last year) in the first half. There were many positives, many glitches and things to work on, but that’s all to be expected.  The key is to learn, make adjustments, and keep moving forward. So though it was a loss, we were extremely proud of Jason, his coaching staff, the players, the support staff, the athletes’ parents who made the trip, and the fans. Now it’s time to move forward for game 2.

I had a sign on the wall in the front of my classroom for 15+ years that read, “You are not finished when you lose, You are finished when you quit.”  In my classroom, that applied to reading, math, getting along with one another and all aspects of our classroom team.  Doesn’t that apply to anything, really?  In fact, I would have celebrations when kids struggled because that meant mistakes happen, but they needed to learn from those mistakes to move forward. They had the mindset that quitting/giving up was not an option just because something was difficult. Their mindset was, “What do I need to do to learn, to get better?”

We never learn and grow when we’re comfortable!  When we get comfortable playing tennis, for example, we need to take it up a notch and learn new skills or play a different partner who will challenge us. When reading has now gotten easy, it’s time to find a harder book to get to the next skill level.  When our exercise routine is becoming routine, it’s time to change things up.  That may mean sore muscles again, but that’s a small price to pay to get better.  Of course, we can’t be challenging ourselves in all areas of our life all the time, there have to be some areas of comfort, but if we truly want to Be the Best we can be, staying comfortable is not moving us forward.  As I said last week, that’s one of the many things I admire about Jon.  He is not willing to always stay comfortable.

Jason’s football athletes or any athlete in ­any sport on any level will be challenged to push themselves, change bad habits, learn a different way to do something, handle different expectations with new coaches etc. etc. It’s different going from high school into college.  That mindset is totally different as are the expectations and level of competition.  The classroom from high school to college is another huge leap.  It takes a period of time to adjust, however, those with a mindset of learning and growing and increasing their skills with the focus on continually getting better will NEVER quit.

Have you ever heard the word “intestinal fortitude?”  That word seems to definitely apply to what I’m blogging about this week. The dictionary definition is “courage and endurance to go on.”  Rosa Parks had intestinal fortitude when she refused to give up her seat on the bus.  The three Americans on the train in France who brought down the terrorist had intestinal fortitude. Each day you hear of someone fighting back a cancer diagnosis, a stroke victim pushing forward to gain speech or movement in their arms and legs, it’s a parent with a disabled child making life special, our service men and women who are daily fighting for our freedom, the middle school students who stand up for a fellow student that’s being bullied.  Each of these situations are people who have intestinal fortitude.  They are people with courage, they are people who continue on with what’s right and will not quit no matter what.

So what about needing courage and endurance to handle criticism, gossip, and others trying to pull us down because we’re a threat to their comfort level? What about the people who are jealous that we are losing weight and getting fit? What about the people who are threatened by our success in the classroom and that we will have a degree at the end of the four years?  What about those “wanna be” athletes who aren’t willing to put in the time and effort to be successful, so they try to pull the rest of us down with them? Don’t each of these situations, and more, take intestinal fortitude?

I admire these people who are focused on doing what’s right and yes, they have intestinal fortitude.  They are not listening to those who are trying to pull them down.  From a piece Maria Shriver wrote earlier, “These people who have intestinal fortitude go through life with a steady, strong integrity.  They don’t rage at people or call them names, bully or belittle them.  They walk through life with a strength that is captivating.”

What if we each made the decision to focus on our own intestinal fortitude? What might that look like?  It could mean strengthening our personal faith.  It could mean staying strong, centered, and focused on what we want in life. It could mean not listening to jealous relatives who secretly want to see us fail.  It could mean ignoring the naysayers and not even giving them the time of day. It could mean focusing more time on what’s right than what’s wrong, what’s a blessing rich in gratitude, and it definitely means not getting caught up in the drama that seems to get attention.  Can we learn, as Maria says, to “respond, not with anger or weakness, but from a place of intestinal fortitude? After all, that is where the strength is, that’s where true power lives.”

Here’s to your week of strengthening your own person intestinal fortitude.  Will you move forward, never short change yourself, and NEVER QUIT?

The Me, Me, Me Epidemic

What did you learn about your communication IQ?  Did you pay attention to being a good listener, not doing a “one up” with your own story, and did you feel energized by a conversation with certain people?  It’s an ongoing process but a good one to continue to learn more and be an energizer to others with your part of a conversation.

Maria Shriver shared a piece in one of her tweets from the book Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Gateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World by Amy McCready.  Amy has a fascinating approach and one that I think bears passing along in this week’s blog.  I am ordering the book.  The excerpts here are not my own but from a brief overview from Amy McCready.  I will definitely look forward to hearing your thoughts.

As a parent, a grandparent, a teacher, or anyone who wants to help young children be the best that they can be this blog is for you.  

We find ourselves wondering how we can raise, influence, and enhance the lives of our young ones to be responsible, grateful members of the real world in the 18 years they have at home. I hear so much from parents, business people, teachers etc. that we seem to live in a world of entitlement and a lack of work ethic.  According to Amy, she suggests a few power packed tools “straight from the “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic Un-Entitler Toolbox. They’re based on the fact that kids are entitled to things like unconditional love from their parents, meaningful work they’re able to accomplish and age-appropriate control over their own lives.”  Here are six strategies for more grateful, more capable and less entitled behavior in kids of all ages.  (These are straight from the excerpt from Amy McCready…)

Take Time for Quality Time (Entitled love)

While kids aren’t entitled to free transportation to the mall and money when they want to go shopping, they are entitled to our unconditional love and acceptance.  A powerful way to make sure they get it is through daily Mind, Body, and Soul Time. How? Give each child 10-20 minutes of undivided, individual attention each day on a regular basis, and many of the entitled behaviors we’ve grown to dread (fits when they don’t get what they want) will melt away. When they get attention they need in positive ways, they will be less likely to turn to negative attention-grabbers such as fighting with a sibling, whining, and negotiating.

Teach Task Mastery (Entitle confidence)

NO child should have a free ride.  There’s an age-appropriate task for everyone aged 2 and up – but they have to know how to do it!  Take Time for Training!  In a calm moment, patiently train kids in age-appropriate tasks, breaking the jobs into steps for younger kids.  With their new found confidence, kids will be more likely to take on new responsibilities without a fuss, and they’ll feel less entitled to constant maid service at home.

Make Their Work Count (Entitle significance)

Kids desperately crave a sense of significance.  Do I make a difference?  Do I even matter?  Family contributions!  Once you’ve trained several tasks, put your kids to work with regular household responsibilities – even as simple as emptying wastebaskets.  Then make it part of a When-Then Routine.  Say, “When your responsibilities, including homework, are done for the day, then you can enjoy your media time.” The kids will soon see firsthand the difference they can make.

Deal Positively with Whining (Entitle empathy)

What about the whining and complaining, you say? Virtually no child actually wants to dust the living room, which is no different than us adults.  Most children will have something to say about it like, “I hate dusting!”  Using the tool Empathize and Appreciate can go a long way in letting them know you understand.  You answer just needs to simply be, “I hear you.  I know dusting isn’t your idea of fun – it’s not mine either – but I really appreciate your help making the house look nice.” If the whining continues, turn your attention elsewhere or walk away. When you’re not there to argue, they’ll be more motivated to get their work done and move on.

Give thanks – A Lot (Entitle thankfulness)

This is one of my very favorites.  I love this idea!!  When kids help out with everyday tasks, they’ll be more appreciative of what we do for them, even if they’d never say it outright. Continue to foster thankfulness with the tool Gratitude Rituals. On a daily or weekly basis, over meals, just before bed, in a gratitude jar, or whenever and wherever it works for your family, help your kids practice finding things to be thankful for. You will need to be sure to model your own thankfulness (I’m so thankful Grandma was able to come and help out when our basement flooded) and help your kids make a habit out of giving thanks.  In time, they’ll feel less entitled to the best that life has to offer and instead feel grateful for what they do have. (Having more in life starts with being grateful for what we do have.)

Hand Over the Reigns (Entitle positive control)

Kids crave control – and that’s a good thing.  We all prefer our children experience control in positive ways, like packing their own suitcase for a trip. Use the tool, The Decision-Rich Environment in your home to give your kids as much opportunity as possible to wield age-appropriate control over their lives.  The more decisions your kids make in positive ways, the less they’ll try to gain control with negative, entitled behavior. 

I hope you have something you can use to make a difference in your child’s life, your grandchild’s life and in your own life.  Here’s to a week of Being the Best You that You Can Be.