Living Life to the Fullest at age 70

Did you try any of the six strategies in last week’s blog?  A good friend shared the realization that when she played with her grandson for 20-25 minutes FIRST, and then she told him she needed to do some work, he was quite content to go off and play on his own.  No fussing, no interruptions.  I shared rule #1 with her which is the 10-20 minutes for one-on-one time.  She was already doing that and now realizes how effective it is. Too often what we do is tell the child WE need 5 minutes to do what WE need to do FIRST, and THEN we’ll play, read, etc.  Sometimes that works, however, often times what happens is WE don’t live up to our end of the bargain.  We need one more minute, just one more minute. The child keeps coming and asking if we’re done yet and there are more and more interruptions.  I hope you now know that time with the child comes FIRST then we can get our work done without interruptions. They’ve now had “their tank filled.” 

Before moving on with this week’s thoughts, think about the list of 6 again. This time think about the adults around you.  Maybe it’s a spouse, maybe it’s a parent, and maybe it’s a colleague or an employee. What if you gave the adults 5-10-20 minutes of one-on-one time?  What if you took the time to explain and teach your expectations?  What if you gave other’s responsibilities and control once they’ve proven themselves? What if you not only shared your expectations but you taught them by showing, demonstrating etc. how you want something done?  Isn't that what you would do with a student athlete, or in a strength and conditioning class, or teaching an intern how to write up a loan? etc. etc.  This approach applies to any and all situations.

Beginning each school year, I taught my fifth graders what my expectations were of noise in the classroom.  We did this from day one.  I had a 1-4 system. I taught them when we would use a 1 or 2 etc. and then we’d practice each one. At the beginning of each activity, we would decide the noise level.  If they needed quiet, think time for reading or working on math, then it was a #1.  If they were working together with a team on a science project that was probably more like a 3 etc. etc.  We were all accountable because we all knew the expectations.

Several football coaches set up a sample of what each locker should look like. Which hook are the pants hung on, where do they put the jersey, which way does the helmet face etc.? EVERY locker is uniform and organized exactly the same. If those directions aren’t followed there are consequences.  Yes, consequences.  After all, attention to detail translates both on and off the field. 

When we communicate our expectations, when we have examples, when our expectations are stated up front, there’s no confusion, and there’s little “push back.”  When we DON’T know, when we’re guessing, or when the expectations keep changing is when we have confusion and inefficiency. How often do we ask for something to be done, we don’t give specific directions, and we aren’t clear with our expectations for the end product?  Then why are we upset when it’s different than what we wanted?  I’d encourage you to pay close attention to how you communicate your expectations this next week and see what you learn.

Transitioning to my thoughts for this week, I am sitting here in awe of my husband of almost 39 years and who will turn 70 on Saturday the 29^th.  We had an early celebration with an Open House Sunday the 23^rd. His actual birthday isn’t until the 29^th, however, we will be in Illinois for Jason’s first football game of the season which is also the 29^th.  The early celebration was to see special friends, former colleagues, and family who live close by. As the invitations went out and the RSVP’s came in, Jon was pleased with the number of people who were taking time out of their busy schedules to join him on Sunday. It was fun for me to watch him as he circulated around talking to as many people as he could, and then also watching people reflect on their times together in the athletic department, or share stories growing up, or the grandkids, nieces, nephews remembering “Farmer Jon” with all the animals.

A consistent comment people continue to make is how fit he is, how young he looks, and that he can’t possibly be 70. It’s hard for both of us to wrap our heads around the fact that we are getting older and yes, he is now going to be 70. There’s a certain mindset when you’re in your 50’s and even 60’s, but 70 is different.  I think some of our conversations lately also stem from the fact that my mom, who spent a week with us recently, is now 88. Though she is in fairly good health there are still things that she can no longer do, doesn’t care to do, or shouldn’t be doing. Realization…she is 88. A very close friend of our daughter and her husband passed away last week at 65 from cancer leaving his wife of 30+ years now alone. All of our children have in-laws who have had health challenges such as cancer, stroke etc.  Realization…we are getting older.

I, for one, didn’t think about these things when I was in my 30’s and even 40’s but I believe that’s very normal.  We’re busy building our careers, raising our families, and hopefully enjoying good health through physical activities. I watch Jon as he spends hours out on the tractor mowing, mixing up concrete and hauling it around in the wheel barrow, down on his hands and knees scrubbing something –he LOVES to clean, and physically capable of doing pretty much everything he’s ever been able to do. Why is that?  That’s another conversation we have frequently.  He is committed to eating well, eating smaller portions, staying at a healthy weight, and most of all committing to exercising 6 days a week!  This isn’t a once in a while commitment.  It has been something he’s done since he was 50 and still working at the University. It’s what Darren Hardy talks about in his book, The Compound Effect.  What we do consistently over time will pay huge dividends in the long run. Our tendency is if we don’t see results right away we give up.

But what is our health worth? Jon’s commitment to being healthy hasn’t happened overnight and there are many reasons why he is so strong, weighs the same as he did in college, and looks much younger than his 70 years. Exercise is a huge component, eating well; portion sizes are all a part, yes.  However, what I also admire is that he’s willing to explore new and “different” ways of thinking. Going to a functional medicine doctor who helps him look at how his entire body is functioning and WHY something is happening leading him to take natural supplements to support what he needs. Our nephew’s wife has been involved with an exercise program called Aging Backwards/Essentrics which totally makes sense and is now being added to our regular exercise program. Jon is open to listening, learning, and trying new things.  He is NOT close minded and is all about being the best he can be where ever that may take him. Too many of the people we know are not willing to put the time, energy, and commitment into their health because it’s hard. They may only commit to 80%.  The results…80%, but their expectation is 100%.  Right?! NOT!

So what’s his motivating factor? As Jon told several people on Sunday, he wants to live long enough to see all of his grandchildren graduate from high school. There are six grandchildren ranging in age from 10 years to 15 months. That will put him to at least age 88. Is that in his control?  Not totally, however, he is definitely doing his part to take advantage of each and every day. He still gives “bucking bronco” rides, he still carries the grandkids around and hoists them up for a shoulder ride, he still is able to safely “drive Miss Daisy” (that’s me), 5.5 hours to Ulysses, Kansas and 14 hours to Okawville, Illinois on a regular basis. We are still able to see the grandchildren regularly, play with them, go to various events, and also get to Jason’s football games in the fall. All because he has a mindset of living each day to the fullest, being present to absorb it all, doesn’t take things for granted, doesn’t settle, and is willing to learn, grow, and continue to live life to the fullest. 

I’m blessed to have him as my life partner, my soulmate, my lover, my friend, and my best friend. 

Happy 70^th Birthday, Jon!!

The Me, Me, Me Epidemic

What did you learn about your communication IQ?  Did you pay attention to being a good listener, not doing a “one up” with your own story, and did you feel energized by a conversation with certain people?  It’s an ongoing process but a good one to continue to learn more and be an energizer to others with your part of a conversation.

Maria Shriver shared a piece in one of her tweets from the book Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Gateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World by Amy McCready.  Amy has a fascinating approach and one that I think bears passing along in this week’s blog.  I am ordering the book.  The excerpts here are not my own but from a brief overview from Amy McCready.  I will definitely look forward to hearing your thoughts.

As a parent, a grandparent, a teacher, or anyone who wants to help young children be the best that they can be this blog is for you.  

We find ourselves wondering how we can raise, influence, and enhance the lives of our young ones to be responsible, grateful members of the real world in the 18 years they have at home. I hear so much from parents, business people, teachers etc. that we seem to live in a world of entitlement and a lack of work ethic.  According to Amy, she suggests a few power packed tools “straight from the “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic Un-Entitler Toolbox. They’re based on the fact that kids are entitled to things like unconditional love from their parents, meaningful work they’re able to accomplish and age-appropriate control over their own lives.”  Here are six strategies for more grateful, more capable and less entitled behavior in kids of all ages.  (These are straight from the excerpt from Amy McCready…)

Take Time for Quality Time (Entitled love)

While kids aren’t entitled to free transportation to the mall and money when they want to go shopping, they are entitled to our unconditional love and acceptance.  A powerful way to make sure they get it is through daily Mind, Body, and Soul Time. How? Give each child 10-20 minutes of undivided, individual attention each day on a regular basis, and many of the entitled behaviors we’ve grown to dread (fits when they don’t get what they want) will melt away. When they get attention they need in positive ways, they will be less likely to turn to negative attention-grabbers such as fighting with a sibling, whining, and negotiating.

Teach Task Mastery (Entitle confidence)

NO child should have a free ride.  There’s an age-appropriate task for everyone aged 2 and up – but they have to know how to do it!  Take Time for Training!  In a calm moment, patiently train kids in age-appropriate tasks, breaking the jobs into steps for younger kids.  With their new found confidence, kids will be more likely to take on new responsibilities without a fuss, and they’ll feel less entitled to constant maid service at home.

Make Their Work Count (Entitle significance)

Kids desperately crave a sense of significance.  Do I make a difference?  Do I even matter?  Family contributions!  Once you’ve trained several tasks, put your kids to work with regular household responsibilities – even as simple as emptying wastebaskets.  Then make it part of a When-Then Routine.  Say, “When your responsibilities, including homework, are done for the day, then you can enjoy your media time.” The kids will soon see firsthand the difference they can make.

Deal Positively with Whining (Entitle empathy)

What about the whining and complaining, you say? Virtually no child actually wants to dust the living room, which is no different than us adults.  Most children will have something to say about it like, “I hate dusting!”  Using the tool Empathize and Appreciate can go a long way in letting them know you understand.  You answer just needs to simply be, “I hear you.  I know dusting isn’t your idea of fun – it’s not mine either – but I really appreciate your help making the house look nice.” If the whining continues, turn your attention elsewhere or walk away. When you’re not there to argue, they’ll be more motivated to get their work done and move on.

Give thanks – A Lot (Entitle thankfulness)

This is one of my very favorites.  I love this idea!!  When kids help out with everyday tasks, they’ll be more appreciative of what we do for them, even if they’d never say it outright. Continue to foster thankfulness with the tool Gratitude Rituals. On a daily or weekly basis, over meals, just before bed, in a gratitude jar, or whenever and wherever it works for your family, help your kids practice finding things to be thankful for. You will need to be sure to model your own thankfulness (I’m so thankful Grandma was able to come and help out when our basement flooded) and help your kids make a habit out of giving thanks.  In time, they’ll feel less entitled to the best that life has to offer and instead feel grateful for what they do have. (Having more in life starts with being grateful for what we do have.)

Hand Over the Reigns (Entitle positive control)

Kids crave control – and that’s a good thing.  We all prefer our children experience control in positive ways, like packing their own suitcase for a trip. Use the tool, The Decision-Rich Environment in your home to give your kids as much opportunity as possible to wield age-appropriate control over their lives.  The more decisions your kids make in positive ways, the less they’ll try to gain control with negative, entitled behavior. 

I hope you have something you can use to make a difference in your child’s life, your grandchild’s life and in your own life.  Here’s to a week of Being the Best You that You Can Be.

How's Your Communication IQ?

 I hope you had a week of reflection on how you are doing with YOUR self-discipline. Did you find that you were more aware of following through on a task?  Instead of putting off something that wasn’t necessarily the most “fun” did you go ahead and do it anyway? Did you begin to have more of a focus on what you needed to do and just do it? 

I decided to repeat a blog about conversations.  This is still an area of learning and growing for me, so in rereading it, I had more ah ha moments.  Enjoy…

I have always thought “conversations” are interesting.  Is it a give and take?  One sided?  Thought provoking?  Energizing? Of course, it depends on the situation and the people involved, but this week I would encourage you to listen to the conversations you have with others and pay attention to the voices going on in your head.  Are you really listening to what’s being said, or are you thinking about what you’re going to say next?  Do you find yourself asking questions to learn more, or do you have a similar story so the conversation once again comes back to you?

I have been in several larger social settings lately and have found it fascinating to pay attention to how others communicate as well as my own communication style.  With some people, I come away from the conversation feeling as though I’d learned so much about the person or a particular topic, I focused on asking more questions, and it was an interesting conversation.  I felt a renewed energy and appreciation for the person.  Then there were other “conversations” where it was definitely one sided.  Often times it was more of a “dumping baggage” session.  The “take away” for me was I was bored, I wanted to get away from what I perceived as a toxic environment, and I definitely wasn’t energized.

In the past, I know I was guilty of having a comeback story of a similar situation, however, now I’m focused and present on NOT doing that unless it really is relevant.  I also know that when I was in a conversation with someone where our opinions were different, I either thought I had to change their mind to the “right” way of thinking or the opposite.  Or I would be silent for “fear” of looking stupid as I didn’t feel adequate in “arguing a point” as eloquently as others.  After listening to Jim Britt again, he asks the question, “Is this my need for acceptance?  Maybe it’s my need for control?  Or, then again, maybe it’s both?  First and foremost, MY opinion or judgment – good, bad, right, wrong – is just that MINE.  No one else’s.  And that’s ok.  I don’t need to have other’s agree with me to feel validated.  Second, the only person I can control is me. 

So how does this apply to the everyday conversation with family, friends, acquaintances, or even an occasional new person? Jim talks a lot about paying attention to our feelings when we’re in conversations.  If I find myself feeling defensive, feeling a lack of self-esteem or inadequacy etc., I now pause to ask myself the three questions:  “Is this my need to be accepted?  Is this my need to be in control? Or is it both?”  Once I realize what’s going on internally, the conversation takes on a whole new focus.  I become more question oriented or I choose to just listen without feeling a need to respond. I’m also comfortable with giving my thoughts and opinions as just that – this is how I feel/think, and I am ok with how you feel/think.  It’s not even an “agree to disagree,” “meet in the middle” etc.   I now come away with a more peaceful mind and a true acceptance for who I am.  I am no longer “married” to one way, I am more willing to listen and learn, I’m more open to listening to others, taking in what works for me and what doesn’t.  I’m also much more content with whom I am without needing the acceptance of others or feeling as though I need to change someone else’s opinion, belief, or thought.  I am who I am, and they are who they are.

 

I have come to this thinking over time.  I have found myself, even now, where I do get caught up in trying to convince someone to think my way especially if I’m passionate about the topic. These changes are definitely why we call life a journey.  We’re never too old to learn, grow, and change.  It takes a commitment, self-discipline, to want to learn and grow as an individual.  That means reading, listening to CD’s, or whatever way you learn the best.  This is another challenge to develop your self-discipline.

Here’s to a healthy mindset of acceptance and a daily dose of learning and growing.

It’s August!! It's time for football! The Broncos have started their training camp, CU begins in a few days, as do the  Missouri Baptist University Spartans. Another season with new players, new coaches, new “schemes,” a new team chemistry needing to be established, new expectations and demands etc. etc.  Which players will be successful?  Which teams will see a better record than last year?  Who will stand out? What’s the deciding factor?

In my humble opinion, self-discipline is key to success in all areas of your life.  Darren Hardy stated, “If you want success, first get control of yourself and become disciplined.”  What does that mean?  What does that “look like?” It seems our natural tendency is to take it easy and be comfortable.  However, success is never found if you’re on that “easy” path, that path of least resistance.  Are you someone that is disciplined only when you feel like it?  Are you disciplined for a short spurt but for that long season of 12, 13, 16, or more games you lose that discipline?  Are you just as disciplined if the coach (boss) isn’t watching or are you committed to being disciplined at ALL times because YOU are always watching?

Self-discipline is a skill NOT a talent, and it’s definitely not a choice.  If that’s the case, which I believe it is, that means the skill of self-discipline can be learned, developed, and sharpened.  It’s like most things; if the skill is ignored or only used occasionally it will eventually become weak and ineffective.  Discipline comes from a daily focus, emphasis on improving, and always moving forward with consistency.

Darren Hardy states, “Self-discipline is a habitual process that becomes a characteristic trait that people build into their life or not.”  Quarterback Peyton Manning, golfer Jordan Spieth, parents and teachers all over the world cannot be good at what they do if it isn’t a part of their daily life. If you are going to be successful, self-discipline is a skill that you can’t use one day and not the next.  Either you have self-discipline to get there and stay there or you don’t.  Self-discipline is not a choice, it’s a state of being.  It’s a condition of your character. To be successful, you must be self-disciplined in not only the big things but the small things.

Paying attention to detail is essential.  The athlete who’s disciplined is working just as hard during each practice, each time in the weight room, every film study, and every opportunity to go over plays etc. as they are when it’s game time. You can believe that Nolan Arenado, Rockies third baseman, didn’t take time off during the off season.  He was disciplined and regimented in his daily preparation to get his mind and body ready for another season.  Coaches weren’t around, the press wasn’t watching but what was constant were his own dreams, goals, and desires to be the best he can be.  That doesn’t happen without self-discipline.

Though my examples above primarily relate to sports, self-discipline is a key character trait in whatever you are doing.  It is a life skill that translates into your success in all areas of your life; your job, working with colleagues, success as a parent, a spouse, a teammate – EVERYTHING!

How would you rate yourself in this character trait?  You may find you’re very self-disciplined in some things but not everything.  That’s pretty common, however, when it comes to being the best YOU that YOU can be, self-discipline is essential.  If you find yourself thinking, “I don’t feel like doing x,y,z right now” that’s a chance to think again about what you want to accomplish.  To be successful, self-discipline isn’t determined by your feelings at the time, it’s determined by what must be done.

“Self-discipline is the difference between great and excellent. Dreams get you started but it’s self-discipline that keeps you going. Self-discipline is doing what you don’t want to do when you don’t want to do it.” 

I wish you a week of reflection on how you are doing with YOUR self-discipline. When you find yourself not wanting to do something ask yourself if doing the task will help you be better, help you be successful, help you be the best you, you can be.  If the answer is yes, then DO IT!