Words and Ideas Can Change the World

I hope you had an opportunity to share special thoughts with their mother, if possible, and you experienced that love and attention yourself if you are a mother.  I saw many comments on Facebook that were tributes to mother’s who had passed away but continue to have an impact on their children’s lives. It was a nice day for me as well.

I also hope you spent some time thinking about the quote, “God created our skin tones with beautiful variety, but all our souls are the same color.”  I want to continue with this same theme in this week’s blog.

Accepting and Loving Unconditionally. First of all, let’s get a definition of the words conditional and unconditional.  Conditional is defined as, “made or allowed on certain terms, one or more requirements needed to be met on specific terms.” The definition of unconditional, on the other hand, is “not limited by conditions or limitations.”  It’s interesting to me to hear the nightly news of our global conflicts, read American history or any country’s history for that matter, or even listen to communication around any of us whether at work or at home.  Race, religion, sexual preference, abortion, marijuana (since I’m here in Colorado I had to mention that one), political preference, male – female, economic status, and the list goes on and on.  The question I’m contemplating this week and beyond is, “Can we, individually, start accepting (or loving) unconditionally rather than judging?  If we did that, what would our world look like?”

I've written about judgment and acceptance before.  Yes, it’s two of those traits that bear repeating yet maybe in another way.  I could take the approach that there’s nothing I can do about many of the religious conflicts currently going on, the political issues with Russia and the Ukraine, etc.  However, I choose to do what is in my control.  After all, that’s all I can do anyway, right?!  We all have our own experiences, our own opinions, our own styles, our own comfort zones, our own uniqueness.  With that brings all the reasons why we may have all the conflicts and “issues” that we have.  Yet, the one thing we all have in common is how we decide we will express and deal with those differences.  Doesn't it come down to choice?  Back to an earlier blog, isn't it really our need for acceptance or a need for control?  Some of the headlines seem to also relate to retaliation for other situations that have occurred. (Are those actions going to bring about change?) 

UNCONDITIONAL love and acceptance is without limitations or conditions.

In Robin Williams words from the Dead Poets Society, “Words and ideas can change the world.”  For me, that’s not just a line in a movie, it’s the way our lives can be!  It IS a choice.  The choice is to interact with all those around us whether they be family, an acquaintance, or even a brief encounter.  My belief is that our God is God of the whole world.  God is loving and pulls all people in.  God shows unconditional love and acceptance, in my opinion.  So what’s our job?  First, I can accept others even if I don’t agree with them.  I may not like their choices, but everyone is on a journey and if I can give acceptance and love for them in all parts of their journey that’s what’s in my control.  Can I give my opinion, suggestions, another view point?  Of course, that’s my role as a parent, spouse, and friend.  But what’s NOT my role is to convince others they’re wrong and should do something MY way.  I can pray that God give THEM the strength and understanding, but I need to let go of my need for acceptance or control.  Having heard from parents with children who have addictions, they have often said they love them unconditionally, however, they do not like or support the particular behavior.  In fact, you may want to click on this link from AA:  http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/smf-121_en.pdf  Personally, this list is something to live by for all of us.  What if our words were words of hope, encouragement, we asked reflecting questions all with the purpose to “sow seeds,” that may later grow?

We often encounter situations which don’t fit into our personal philosophy. What if we decided to live our lives accepting and loving unconditionally?  To me, that means before judging we listen, learn why something is the way it is, we give everyone room to grow and change because we know that God has the bigger plan.  We don’t have to understand to accept and love unconditionally.  We have choices to make.  Maybe that choice is to avoid a particular person, situation, environment because it’s toxic.  It is what it is.  So, can I live with not having things my way and on my timeline?  That’s a key question.

WOW.  This turned into a blog heavier than I originally intended.  I hope you have a few things to think about from this point forward.  I wish you unconditional acceptance and love for YOURSELF and then others.

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.” 
― Stephen Kendrick, The Love Dare

Acceptance? Control? Or Both?

I have always thought “conversations” are interesting.  Is it a give and take?  One sided? Thought provoking?  Energizing? Of course, it depends on the situation and the people involved, but this week I would encourage you to listen to the conversations you have with others and pay attention to the voices going on in your head.  Are you really listening to what’s being said, or are you thinking about what you’re going to say next?  Do you find yourself asking questions to learn more, or do you have a similar story so the conversation once again comes back to you?

I have been in several larger social settings lately and have found it fascinating to pay attention to how others communicate as well as my own communication style.  With some people, I come away from the conversation feeling as though I’d learned so much about the person or a particular topic, I focused on asking more questions, and it was an interesting conversation.  I felt a renewed energy and appreciation for the person.  Then there were other “conversations” where it was definitely one sided.  Often times it was more of a “dumping baggage” session.  The “take away” for me was I was bored, I wanted to get away from what I perceived as a toxic environment, and I definitely wasn't energized.

In the past, I know I was guilty of having a comeback story of a similar situation, however, now I’m focused and present on NOT doing that unless it really is relevant.  I also know that when I was in a conversation with someone where our opinions were different, I either thought I had to change their mind to the “right” way of thinking or the opposite, I would be silent for “fear” of looking stupid as I didn't feel adequate in “arguing a point ”as eloquently as others.  After listening to Jim Britt again, he asks the question, “Is this my need for acceptance?  Maybe it’s my need for control?  Or, then again, maybe it’s both?  First and foremost, MY opinion or judgment – good, bad, right, wrong – is just that MINE.  No one else’s.  And that’s ok.  I don’t need to have other’s agree with me to be validated.  Second, the only person I can control is me. 

So how does this apply to the everyday conversation with family, friends, acquaintances, or even an occasional new person? Jim talks a lot about paying attention to our feelings when we’re in conversations.  If I find myself feeling defensive, feeling a lack of self esteem, or inadequate etc., I now pause to ask myself the three questions:  “Is this my need to be accepted?  Is this my need to be in control? Or is it both?”  Once I realize what’s going on internally, the conversation takes on a whole new focus.  I become more question oriented or I choose to just listen without feeling a need to respond. I’m also comfortable with giving my thoughts and opinions as just that – this is how I feel/think, and I am ok with how you feel/think.  It’s not even an “agree to disagree,” “meet in the middle” etc.   I now come away with a more peaceful mind and a true acceptance for who I am.  I am no longer “married” to one way, I am more willing to listen and learn, I’m more open to listening to others, taking in what works for me and what doesn't.  I’m also much more content with who I am without needing the acceptance of others or feeling as though I need to change someone else’s opinion, belief, or thought.  I am who I am, and they are who they are. 

I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on how you communicate and your reflections.  Have a wonderful beginning of summer and enjoy the last few days of June.

Who Do You Listen To When Making Choices?

Judgment and Influence

What is your definition of the words judgment and influence?  How do these words impact your world?  Think about these two words when you think about people, events, and various situations. 

For discussion purposes, my definition of judgment is, “the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions; act or process of forming an opinion.”  Influence is, “the power to change or affect someone or something.” I spent one morning recently keeping track of all the times I had a judgment or an opinion about something and also where I may or may not have influence.  I kept track of everything whether it was something I read, heard on the TV or radio, what someone wrote on Facebook, emails, phone conversations, etc.  In other words, basically all activities for that time period.  I came to an interesting yet not surprising realization…we are all judging ALL the time!! In addition, our influence can be negative, positive, or may not even be evident at the time.

So what or who influences or may influence our judgment?  I’d like to suggest a few: how we were raised, where we were raised, our experiences growing up, the people we surround ourselves with, our spouse, our children, the media, the types of books we read, colleagues, employers and the list goes on and on.  In other words:  EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. 

Last evening, we had a three hour dinner with a young couple we met a few years ago.  Since we hadn't seen them for quite some time, there was a lot of catching up to do.  In fact, since I hadn't heard from them for a few months, I was worried as the last time we had talked, they were experiencing many challenges with their business idea.  Despite all the disappointments, promises that were made that weren't fulfilled, people who said they would do something but didn't follow through, and others who could only be termed “dream stealers,” their focus, determination, and a business coach guided them towards their dream.   They DID NOT QUIT!  Their business coach encouraged and supported them – a positive influence. The positive influence they had with each other was encouraging and supportive – even during the days eating only tuna and Ramon noodles.

So who were these two listening to?  They had family members, close friends, and business people they thought they could trust and yet these people were making judgments based on their own set of values and experiences.  Our family loves and cares about us but what they believe is “in our best interest” may or may not be what is true for us.  So does that mean we shouldn't say what we think, give our opinions, be honest with our family and friends.  Absolutely not. 

There are two sides to keep in mind.  On one side, if I am giving my opinion, I need to recognize that it is just that – my opinion.  It comes from my experiences, background, values etc.  It is my judgment – not good, bad, right, or wrong – it’s mine.  Where I think we “cross the line” is when we continue to push our judgment on others, and our focus now becomes convincing them that we are right and they are wrong.  On the other side, when we are on the receiving end we have a choice.  Who are we listening to and why?  How many times have you (me included) given up on a dream, goal, or desire because you gave up?  You didn't put value on what was true in your own heart?  We let others judge and influence us in a negative way and so we quit.  Or maybe, you are like Matt and Amy who listened to their business coach and each other over the naysayers.  And because of that, they are moving at a fast pace towards dreams and goals that will impact a HUGE number of people’s health and wellness!

I would encourage you to do three things this week.  One, take time to reflect on who is a positive influencer for you and why.  Second, who are YOU a positive influencer for and what it is that you doing – what are your words and actions?  And third, remember that your judgment is just that – yours.

I appreciate you reading my thoughts and always look forward to your comments.

Nancy