Acceptance? Control? Or Both?

I wished you a week of reflection on how you are doing with YOUR self-discipline. When you find yourself not wanting to do something ask yourself, “Is doing the task going to help me be better, help me be successful, help me be the best I, can be?  If the answer is yes, then JUST DO IT!  What did you learn about yourself?

I have always thought “conversations” are interesting.  Is it a give and take?  One sided?  Thought provoking?  Energizing? Of course, it depends on the situation and the people involved, but this week I would encourage you to listen to the conversations you have with others and pay attention to the voices going on in your head.  Are you really listening to what’s being said, or are you thinking about what you’re going to say next?  Do you find yourself asking questions to learn more, or do you have a similar story so the conversation once again comes back to you?

I have been in several larger social settings lately and have found it fascinating to pay attention to how others communicate as well as my own communication style.  With some people, I come away from the conversation feeling as though I’d learned so much about the person or a particular topic, I focused on asking more questions, and it was an interesting conversation.  I felt a renewed energy and appreciation for the person.  

Then there were other “conversations” where it was definitely one sided.  Often times it was more of a “dumping baggage” session.  The “take away” for me was I was bored, I wanted to get away from what I perceived as a toxic environment, and I definitely wasn’t energized.

In the past, I know I was guilty of having a comeback story of a similar situation, however, now I’m focused and present on NOT doing that unless it really is relevant.  I also know that when I was in a conversation with someone where our opinions were different, I either thought I had to change their mind to the “right” way of thinking or the opposite.  Or I would be silent for “fear” of looking stupid as I didn’t feel adequate in “arguing a point” as eloquently as others.  

After listening to Jim Britt, he asks the question, “Is this my need for acceptance?  Maybe it’s my need for control?  Or, then again, maybe it’s both?  First and foremost, MY opinion or judgment – good, bad, right, wrong – is just that MINE.  No one else’s.  And that’s ok.  I don’t need to have other’s agree with me to feel validated.  Second, the only person I can control is me. 

So how does this apply to the everyday conversation with family, friends, acquaintances, or even an occasional new person? Jim talks a lot about paying attention to our feelings when we’re in conversations.  If I find myself feeling defensive, feeling a lack of self-esteem or inadequacy etc., I now pause to ask myself the three questions:  “Is this my need to be accepted?  Is this my need to be in control? Or is it both?” 

Once I realize what’s going on internally, the conversation takes on a whole new focus.  I become more question oriented, or I choose to just listen without feeling a need to respond. I’m also comfortable with giving my thoughts and opinions as just that – this is how I feel/think, and I am ok with how you feel/think.  It’s not even an “agree to disagree,” “meet in the middle” etc.  

I now come away with a more peaceful mind and a true acceptance for who I am.  I am no longer “married” to one way, I am more willing to listen and learn, I’m more open to listening to others, taking in what works for me and what doesn’t.  I’m also much more content with who I am without needing the acceptance of others or feeling as though I need to change someone else’s opinion, belief, or thought.  I am who I am, and they are who they are. 

I have come to this thinking over time.  I have found myself, even now, where I do get caught up in trying to convince someone to think my way especially if I’m passionate about the topic. These changes are definitely why we call life a journey.  We’re never too old to learn, grow, and change.  It takes a commitment to want to learn and grow as an individual.  That means reading, listening to CD’s, or whatever way you learn the best.

I wish you a week of paying attention to a healthy mindset of acceptance and a daily dose of learning and growing.

Self-Discipline

Last week, I wished you a week of examining your own belief system in ALL areas of your life. I was encouraging you to be true to your own heart despite whether or not others support you.

Since the first of this New Year, I have been writing about making 2017 THE best year yet. How can you make this year different than all the years in the past? Our tendency is to have all these goals and energy at the beginning of the year, yet it doesn’t take much to get us off track once “real life” sets back in. How many of you joined a gym with the goal to get back in shape? How many of you said you were going to do better this second semester by planning ahead with the long term projects? How many of you said you were going to get your finances in order? You get the idea.

Now, the next question is…”It’s now, eight weeks into 2017. How are you doing? Is there a change? Or are you back into the “same old same old?” The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Are you seeing different results in these first eight weeks? 

In my humble opinion, self-discipline is key to success in all areas of your life.  Darren Hardy stated, “If you want success, first get control of yourself and become disciplined.”  What does that mean?  What does that “look like?” It seems our natural tendency is to take it easy and be comfortable.  However, success is never found if you’re on that “easy” path, that path of least resistance. 

Are you someone that is disciplined only when you feel like it?  Are you disciplined for a short spurt but for that long football season of 12, 13, 16, or more games you lose that discipline?  Are you just as disciplined if the coach (boss) isn’t watching or are you committed to being disciplined at ALL times because YOU are always watching YOU?

Self-discipline is a skill NOT a talent, and it’s definitely not a choice.  If that’s the case, which I believe it is, that means the skill of self-discipline can be learned, developed, and sharpened.  It’s like most things; if the skill is ignored or only used occasionally it will eventually become weak and ineffective.  Discipline comes from a daily focus, emphasis on improving, and always moving forward with consistency.

Darren Hardy states, “Self-discipline is a habitual process that becomes a characteristic trait that people build into their life or not.”  Quarterback Peyton Manning, golfer Jordan Spieth, parents and teachers all over the world cannot be good at what they do if it isn’t a part of their daily life. If you are going to be successful, self-discipline is a skill that you can’t use one day and not the next.  Either you have self-discipline to get there and stay there or you don’t. 

Self-discipline is not a choice, it’s a state of being.  It’s a condition of your character. To be successful, you must be self-disciplined in not only the big things but the small things. Self-discipline does not depend on what others are doing and saying. Self-disciplined is totally dependent on YOU and YOUR character.

Paying attention to detail is essential.  The athlete who’s self-disciplined is working just as hard during each practice, each time in the weight room, every film study, and every opportunity to go over plays etc. as they are when it’s game time. You can believe that Nolan Arenado, Rockies third baseman, didn’t take time off during the off season.  He was disciplined and regimented in his daily preparation to get his mind and body ready for another season.  Coaches weren’t around, the press wasn’t watching! What was constant were his own dreams, goals, and desires to be the best he can be.  That doesn’t happen without self-discipline.

People with self-discipline are NOT paying attention to what their teammates, classmates, or colleagues are doing. The only person who they are looking at is the one in the mirror. Comparisons are only made with the one in the mirror.

If we focus on others, often times we are disappointed and frustrated as we would like them to be more self-disciplined. But then we are putting our energy into others, and we can’t control others. Our energy and focus can only be on ourselves as that’s what in our control.

Though my examples above primarily relate to sports, self-discipline is a key character trait in whatever you are doing.  It is a life skill that translates into your success in all areas of your life; your job, working with colleagues, success as a parent, a spouse, a friend, a teammate – EVERYTHING!

How would you rate yourself in this character trait?  You may find you’re very self-disciplined in some things but not everything.  That’s pretty common; however, when it comes to being the best YOU that YOU can be, consistent self-discipline is essential. 

If you find yourself thinking, “I don’t feel like doing x,y,or z right now” that’s a chance to rethink again what you want to accomplish.  To be successful, self-discipline isn’t determined by your feelings at the time, it’s determined by what must be done. I don’t always “feel” like working out, but I like the results and I always am glad I did it in the end.

“Self-discipline is the difference between great and excellent. Dreams get you started but it’s self-discipline that keeps you going. Self-discipline is doing what you don’t want to do when you don’t want to do it.” 

I wish you a week of reflection on how you are doing with YOUR self-discipline. When you find yourself not wanting to do something ask yourself, “Is doing the task going to help me be better, help me be successful, help me be the best I, can be?  If the answer is yes, then JUST DO IT!

I'm Taking Back ME!

I hope you had a week of focusing on making a difference in a positive, respectful way in your own corner of the world. I also hope you were able to hold those around you, if necessary, to speaking with respect and without degrading others!

Happy Valentine’s Day.  This is a day that comes with a myriad of emotions depending on your personal situation.  We see in all the advertisements, TV ads, and promotions etc. happy couples.  We’re encouraged to spend money on chocolates, flowers or even jewelry (those are the top three items purchased), spend a romantic dinner with our loved one, and this day is one of the largest number of marriage proposal days after Christmas.  It can be a fun time for the kids when they exchange Valentines at school; they get Valentines from Mom and Dad, grandparents and others.  I must admit I get caught up with finding a special card for Jon and the grandkids. Of course there is also the baking of heart shaped cookies and cupcakes, eating those little heart-shaped candies with the messages written on them, besides other sugary goodies.  It can be a fun, love-filled time for so many.

There is another side of this holiday, however.  Are you having difficulty in your marriage/relationship?  Maybe you’re divorced.  Maybe you’re single and really wanting to be in a meaningful relationship.  This time can be agonizing.  Your child may be the one with a lot of friends and receives a lot of Valentines.  But what about that child who feels left out and doesn’t have a lot of friends?  No matter where we are in our lives young and old, we want to feel valued and loved by those around us.  I encourage you to think outside your own world and reach out during this Valentine season to include those who could use that special Valentine that you’re thinking of them.  Take action, look around, and seek out not only those who you would normally reach out to but those who could use something special. 

I was re-reading the Jon Gordon book, Energy Bus.  Perfect timing. I wasn’t very far in the book when I came across this, “Thoughts are magnetic. What we think about, we attract. What we think about expands and grows. What we put our attention and energy on starts to show up more in our life. AND the energy we project through our thoughts is the energy we receive.”

I know all that. I know that what I focus on expands, yet I have been guilty of getting caught up with all the toxic, negative events happening in our world today. I happened to pick up this book again for a reason. I needed a reminder.

More reminders…”We’re not talking about the fake kind of chest-thumping rah, rah positive energy that simply masks our negativity and annoys people. We’re talking about real positive energy that helps you overcome obstacles and challenges to create success. We’re talking about trust, faith, enthusiasm, purpose, joy, and happiness. We’re talking about positive energy to inspire and lead others.”  That’s powerful!

I think what I have personally been missing was allowing my positive “tank” to empty and the emptiness was filled with negativity. It has all been my fault. I was “feeding the wrong dog” and as Gordon says in the book, “it’s physically impossible to be stressed and thankful at the same time.”

As we all know, there will always be negativity everywhere. There will always be negative people and the negativity they represent. It’s been evident that negativity breeds self-doubt, fear, hopelessness, and negative energy that can totally drain you. Remember that disrespect and a lack of civility of other’s opinions, other’s belief system is a part of that negativity.

So what do we do? “Positive energy is like a muscle. The more you use it the stronger it gets. The stronger it gets the more powerful you will become. Repetition is the key and the more you focus on positive energy the more it becomes your natural state.” In other words, it’s practice! No surprise, right? Like anything you do that is not a habit; it takes consistent repetition for it to become a part of you.

What else is in our control? Be self-aware. In all areas of our lives, we are being manipulated to what others want us to believe – good, bad, and indifferent. Our newspapers, advertisements, TV news, TV shows, Facebook, Twitter etc. etc. If we are mindful of this manipulation then we can decide if what’s being said or written is something we believe, something we need to check into and learn more, or something that doesn’t fit with our own viewpoint. Why not question? Why not investigate the opposite stand for at least a comparison?

It's also in our control to make a conscious decision to eliminate the toxic people and environments as much as possible. That might include getting off social media for a period of time. After all, that IS in my control. Why would I subject myself to not being valued for who I am and my belief system? I only need God's love and guidance.

Too many of us try to please others which only make us unhappy. Too many go along with the crowd without knowing why. When YOU feel good YOU “give” from power. When you’re caught up in all the negativity and only feel good by pleasing others and/or going along with the crowd mentality, you will only give away your own “power” and happiness.

I am taking back my natural tendency to be a positive, grateful woman who feels very blessed in my life, and I refuse to be influenced by toxic negativity which includes a lack of respect and tolerance for differences.

I wish you a week of examining your own belief system in ALL areas of your life and be true to your own heart despite whether or not others support you.  

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Last week, I wished you a week of putting your phone down and taking time for true conversations with your spouse/significant other, your children, your co-workers, your friends etc. How did that go? What did you learn about yourself, your connection to your phone, and the conversations you have each day?

My definition of a true conversation is one done with eye contact, with respect for the other person as a human being, with integrity and void of belittling. It’s a conversation that may include differing views, yet the conversation is also done in a respected way with respectful language, true listening, asking sincere questions to learn more, and without interruption. The ultimate goal with any conversation should be for understanding, clarification etc. NOT to convince the other person that you are right and they are wrong.

I find it interesting that what I think should be common sense when it comes to communication, doesn’t seem to be the case when you turn on the TV news or you read the paper. This goes both ways as far as the left and the right are concerned. I’m amazed at the vulgar language, the throwing out of condemnations such as racist, fascist, misogynist, xenophobic, homophobic toward anyone with a differing viewpoint. I’m amazed at the extreme liberty people take all in the name of “free speech.” I am amazed at the front page news that is one sided, or something taken out of context, or inaccurate reporting yet when actual facts are revealed the “apology” is on the back page and small print.

I was saddened to hear that a friend’s daughter was bullied at school because she wore jeans and flannel shirts. After all, she is a country girl at heart. Six girls were bullied by another group of girls by taking lunches on a regular basis, repeatedly stealing expensive art supplies, stealing other personal items, having water thrown on them when wearing a white shirt etc. When the parents approached the school administration of this private school, the parents were told the school couldn’t do anything. The administration didn’t want to offend the organization which brought these students to the school. WOW. By taking no action they were condoning the negative behavior and not keeping ALL their students safe physically and emotionally. I thought it was the job of ALL school administrators and teachers to keep ALL students safe. SAD!

With this same young lady who chose to leave the first high school, she went to a different school, a public high school. Once again she found bullying but a more subtle type - this time feeling more like an outcast. That is until she drove her truck to school with a Trump/Pence bumper sticker on it. A vengeful confrontation took place, with name calling, and belittling her support of Trump. To this young lady’s credit, she responded that their freedom of speech did not mean that her freedom of speech was any less valid. The ultimate “attack,” came when she was not present. A baseball bat was taken to the bumper of her truck. Once again, which is an embarrassment to me as a former teacher, the administration did nothing. Two separate occasions when the bat met the bumper of the truck and did damage, the surveillance cameras weren’t working. Really? SAD!

When did freedom of speech become something where there are no differences in viewpoints that there’s only one way to think? When did horrific name calling, screaming in someone’s face and demeaning that person become ok all in the name of freedom of speech? When did it become ok to spray mace in someone’s face who had a different point of view without consequences?

Let me be clear. I am all in favor of our right to PEACEFULLY protest. Unfortunately, the message that the people peacefully protesting on the Berkley campus was overshadowed. It was overshadowed by an organized group wearing black hoodies and masks whose sole intent was to do physical damage to the campus building and surrounding areas and STOP not only a speaker but the people going to hear the speaker. That, in my opinion, is NOT freedom of speech. It’s called vandalism. That’s a crime. It is fascinating to me, the number of people who are doing and saying exactly what they accuse others of doing and saying. Once again, it appears that we’re all supposed to participate in group think.

I may not agree with Milo or other speakers, and I may not agree with a particular bumper sticker, but I do have a choice. I have the choice of not attending the speech, or I have the choice of listening in a respectful manner to learn something. I DO NOT have the right to disrupt a talk, a class, a meeting etc. because I have a different opinion.

I have the choice of ignoring someone’s bumper sticker, or I have the choice of engaging in a respectful conversation about that person’s views. I DO NOT have the right to steal, to do physical damage to someone else’s property etc. because I disagree. Those are called crimes.

Violent acts of damaging public property, injuring someone, or damaging someone’s personal property IS NOT what freedom of speech is all about. These are selfish, self-centered acts with little thought and understanding. The rationale? It’s done in the name of freedom of speech. NO!

If I focus on all the hypocrisy and total lack of respecting others differing viewpoints, I would think our country is going to hell and a hand basket. Do we have problems in this country? Yes. Do I agree with everything Donald Trump is doing, not necessarily. Do I agree his focus is to help this country. Yes. Do I agree that he’s out for only his own ego and bank roll? Definitely NOT.  Is he eloquent when speaking? Definitely not, but we’re use to politicians who talk out of both sides of their mouths. Did he bring on people who have more experience and have differing viewpoints? Yes.

Listen to the people who have known Trump for 10, 20,30+ years. Listen to the people who meet with Trump, listen to the people who have never met him but came away from a meeting with a totally different opinion of who he is. “He really listened; he asked good questions, he is asking us for our opinions etc.” From the outside looking in, true conversations were taking place. Isn’t that what we want in all of our leaders? Yet, these people who met with then President Elect Trump were chastised for even setting foot in his office and speaking with him. What’s that about?  

Our lives are not black and white or right and wrong. My take on the news or a situation of any type is very much based on my own experiences. We ALL look at a situation, a painting, read the same news article, listen to the same speech and come away with a totally different take on what is being said or is happening because of what we “bring to the table.” The news of the day is rarely simple even though that’s what we’d like.

I would challenge each and every one of us to take a stand on foul language, name calling, destruction of property, and the total lack of respect for differences of opinion all in the name of freedom of speech. I continually go back to Urban Myers norms for his staff and players…no B,C,D which is blame, complain, defend one’s actions. That’s all below the line behavior. Love and respect are above the line behaviors.

(Ray, I guess you can tell what’s been on my mind this week.)

I love this country and what this country has allowed me, as a 65 year old white woman, to accomplish to date and to continue to accomplish. I also am well aware that who I was, what my views were, what my stupid actions were in my 20’s is a small part of who I am today. My views have changed on many topics, my gratitude for all that is going right is far more thought out. Thankfully the stupid things I did earlier in my life were there as lessons and not headlines in a newspaper, and my conscious effort to listen more than I speak is getting better.

There are so many things going right in this country. There are so many people working hard each day, parents working hard to bring up their children with respect and understanding of others who are different, teachers who are giving both sides to issues and teaching their students to have a mind of their own, coaches who are interested in winning but are even more interested in teaching their athletes the importance of getting a good education, people of all ages giving back to their communities in a variety of philanthropic ways plus much more.

I wish you a week of choosing to focus on making a difference, in a positive way, in a respectful way in your own corner of the world. I wish you a week of holding those around you to speaking with respect and not allow the degrading of anyone!