Who's in Your Circle?

Were you able to surround yourself with a “coach” this past week who was willing to support and encourage you on your quest to Being the Best You that You can be?  What area of your life did you decide you want to focus on improving?

I happened to pick up the book Twelve Pillars by Jim Rohn and Chris Widener to reread yet a third time. It’s a quick read but incredibly powerful for everyone! All the 12 pillars are life lessons told in story form and NOT preachy. I was smiling when I came to chapter 6 which is the pillar to “Surround Yourself with the Best People.” It included the following quote, “Don’t join an easy crowd; you won’t grow.  Go where the expectations and the demands to perform are high.”  What a great quote!

We can feel positive about ourselves, but if we’re continuously surrounding ourselves with naysayers and people who are only there to point out our deficiencies, then how will we ever grow? The simple answer…we won’t. We need true friends, a supportive spouse/partner, trainers, mentors, coaches etc. who are there to help support, encourage, and yes, even challenge us.

How do YOU think you’re doing with this concept of surrounding yourself with the best people? I totally “get it” that some of you have bosses or co-workers who are NOT the people you would choose to surround yourself with, however, you have no choice.  I totally “get it” that some of you have family members who you would not choose to be around, but they are family. Some of you are even questioning your marriage to a spouse that isn’t supportive. In situations like those, I go back to the question, “What is in your control? The only thing you have control over is YOU, YOUR attitude, and how much YOU internalize the negatives.

On page 48 of the book, the authors elaborate on the “best people” and what that means.  “Surround yourself with winners, successful people who exhibit and live consistent to values and skills you WANT to acquire and develop.  People in your life have an amazing power to influence your destiny. They have a deep effect on you. 

YOU must constantly be asking yourself these questions: Who am I around? What effect are they having on me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? Most importantly, what do they have me becoming? THEN ask yourself the BIG QUESTION: Is that ok?” If your response is positive, GREAT!  Those are the people you want to continue to surround yourself with. 

Take time for a “gut check.”  Think about the last time you were in a meeting, you were out for a drink with your buddies/girlfriends after work, you had dinner with friends, you went to a social event of some kind etc.  When you left, did you feel inspired to be more and do more, to pursue your goals with a greater passion? Or did that situation/environment leave you feeling negative, dreading the next meeting or encounter, and dreading having to spend time with that boss, colleague, family member etc. that you don’t respect? 

Who are the friends you hang around with?  Are they goal oriented?  Are they challenging themselves to be better? Are they walking their talk to learn, grown, and move forward?  Or are they stagnant, complaining, blaming life on others without doing anything to make a change for themselves?  Or maybe they're just "going through life" without any thought of changing and becoming better.

Sometimes it’s the “old” friends that are negative influences in our lives.  “ Many of us have friends who are nice people, often who mean well, but if the effect they have on us is negative, then it is up to us to make those tough choices in an effort to protect ourselves from the wrong influences.” Both positive and negative influences are very subtle.

According to Jim Rohn’s teachings, “Every relationship you have is an association, and each association has either a positive, neutral, or negative effect on you.”  If you are someone who wants to succeed in the classroom, at your job, on the football field, on the basketball court, in your marriage, in your parenting, in living a healthy lifestyle, in your spiritual life etc. you must “constantly make a determination about what kind of relationship you have with this person and how you want to approach this relationship.”  I

In chapter 6, the character, Michael, is given the advice to “place every person you meet into one of three categories: disassociation, limited association, and expanded association.”

Hmmm…this can be a difficult situation when you’re looking at the friends you have. With some, you always look forward to your time together. You are both “on the same page” with what you want out of life, and you both are committing to growing and improving in all areas of your life  There are others, however, who seem, in your opinion, to be stuck and aren’t moving in the same direction as you. Do we “outgrow” certain friends? I tend to think we do. Your life is busy with work and children so there are limited opportunities to just hang out, you’ve taken opportunities to improve your health so you look and feel better, you are involved with organizations where you’ve taken on a leadership position etc. Some of those friends now seem to be critical of what you’re doing and aren’t embracing your “new look.”  

That’s where the three categories come into play…do you disassociate or limit your association? You are in control of which choice you make if you want to move forward.

Maybe it’s a co-worker that is making life difficult because you are getting opportunities to learn and grow, and they are still doing the “same old, same old” thinking. That’s ok for them, however, it’s not your place to be judgmental of their choices.  You can only do what YOU can do for yourself. What about that team member that didn’t want to listen to the coaches, wasn’t willing to put the work into learning new skills or perfecting their skills?  They are "out there" criticizing you, but they were the ones that quit the team.  Are you going to listen to them or are you going to surround yourself with your teammates who come each and every day, doing what it takes to get better? Are you a leader that embraces people on your staff who are more talented and skilled than you which adds another dimension and value to the group?  Or are you threatened by these people and try to “keep them in check?”

“Successful people look for relationships with other successful people who will push them, and encourage them to become better.”  The advice given in this chapter is, “To attract attractive people you must be attractive. (Attractive is BOTH inside AND outside.) To attract committed people, you must be committed. To attract leaders, coaches, other people of influence, YOU must be the first to ask questions, listen, and take action on what you’ve learned.  Go to work on yourself.”  YES!  This goes back to personal development, a positive mindset, and doing what is in your control.

99% of life is attitude!!  It isn’t that these friends, bosses, co-workers, family members etc. determine your attitude.  YOU determine your attitude.  However, “attitude is greatly shaped by influence and association.” Until it’s brought to our attention, we may not even be aware of the negative influences.  In other words, who you hang around with will be a major determining factor in what your attitude becomes.  “If the people you spend time with don’t have attitudes that are positive, they will rub off on you and keep you from becoming all that you can be.” 

“Life is a journey, and we meet people all along the way.  Some of those people will go the whole journey with us. Some will only take portions of the journey with us.  Some will join us for a long time.  Others will come and go.  We have the freedom – and responsibility - to determine who we associate with and that will have a big impact on how well our journey goes.” 

Remember the words of Jim Rohn, “Don’t join an easy crowd; you won’t grow.  Go where the expectations and the demands to perform are high.”

Are YOU surrounding yourself with the best people for you as a person?  Are these people supportive and encouraging?  Are they pushing you to do better, to be better in all that you do? Are you determining which of the three categories you would classify these people: disassociation, limited association, or expanded association?

Here’s to a week of reflection and many “ah ha” moments to help you move forward.

                

STRONG!

I hope you had a week of making a difference in your life by putting these four words to use: LEARN, ACTION, STAY, AND CARE.

Other than watching sports, my two favorite TV shows are “The Voice” and “Strong.” Both of these shows have an upbeat message, personal learning and growing takes place, and mentors are there for support, encouragement, and teaching. The four words from last week apply to each of the contestants: LEARN, ACTION, STAY, AND CARE.

NBC's "STRONG" is a competition show like no other, in my opinion. Contestants embark on a transformative journey in order to reach their full potential. As they are learning, it's not necessarily about losing weight, but rather about finding the balance between mind and body. It's about getting strong physically AND mentally. Each woman chooses her own trainer and they become a team.

“The two-time Emmy Award-winning "The Voice" is the blockbuster vocal competition show that’s in its 10th season. Grammy Award-winning artist Christina Aguilera, Pharrell Williams, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton are the celebrity musician coaches. The show's innovative format features five stages of competition.” The teams are originally chosen through a blind audition. The coaches are only listening to the contestant’s voice with their chairs facing away. There are no distractions, there are no predetermined biases. They are solely listening for the vocal ability of the singer.

For me, there are numerous messages in both of these shows. When you hear the stories of each individual you realize, to a person, he or she has had challenges in their life. Those challenges may be the loss of a parent, not being able to “break through” in a career, addiction, bullying, or not having a positive support system. To a person, these life situations have left an imprint of lack, an imprint of “I’m not good enough,” an imprint of fear, and an imprint of a lack of self-esteem.

The job of the trainer in “Strong” begins with getting his team member in shape in order to do the challenges. However, it becomes evident that there is more to the problem of gaining weight and not being able to lose the weight. Each woman had a story and each story left the woman with a low level of self-esteem. The lack of self-confidence is also apparent as the competition ramps up in “The Voice.”

What about you? Are you finding a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem is keeping you from being the Best You that You can be? Do you find your intentions are good in the beginning? Do you find you have the desire, you know you need to make changes, you know you aren’t happy? So why is it that each time you start something it’s difficult to finish? Why is it that even when you know you need to do to be healthier, or you need to change your relationships or you need to change your financial status you just don’t do it? What’s that wall, that block that is stopping you?

When you hear the stories of the people on these two shows, they share their attempts to change but they’ve continually met with failure, criticism, and an even deeper sense of lacking self-esteem. What about you? Have you had those times as well? Have you found that you have tried but failed many times so you have the mindset of why try again? Have you used the old standbys of procrastination and excuses especially the excuse of being too busy and you just don’t have the time? If so, just know you aren’t alone.

So why are lives changing on “Strong” and “The Voice” even if they don’t win the challenge or the competition and end up going home? In both shows, the focus is on getting their mindset right. The coach/trainer is the one encouraging, supporting each effort, each risk. The coach/trainer is the one holding the competitor accountable and not letting them do a task half way. They are the ones who are there to give a hug with a job well done. These mentors are holding up a mirror for each contestant to see their self-worth, to see their true self. No one is alone it’s the power of TEAM. The power of encouragement, the power of working hard without excuses any longer, the power of digging deep to find one’s true skills and abilities, one’s true passion and desires.

As Jim Rohn says, “It is how we feel about ourselves that provides the greatest reward from any activity. It is not what we get that makes us valuable; it is what we become in the process of doing that brings value into our lies. It is activity that converts human dreams into human reality, and that conversion from idea into actuality gives us a personal value that can come from no other source.”

As each show progresses, there are competitions which eventually lead to someone going home. Despite the disappointment, each person tells a new story as they say their goodbyes. That new story is about resiliency, about realizing their personal self-worth, thanking their coach/trainer for believing in them, pushing them, and celebrating the little things with them. They each are looking into a new mirror.

These competitors are a part of a team. Each is surrounded by words and actions of encouragement. Each is surrounded by someone who believes in them and wants them to succeed. The contestant is given tools and new skills but EACH person is the one who has to do the work. A part of their road to a different mindset also lies in consistency, pushing themselves to the utmost, and never giving up even once they are done with the show.

Look around you. Who is on your team that is ready to cheer you on? Who is giving you words of encouragement to move forward with that health plan, that plan to be a better you, that plan to be fiscally sound, that plan to improve your relationships? What are you reading, listening to etc. to gain new skills? Are you still in the thinking stage or are you finally taking ACTION? We’ve all been knocked down at some point in our lives. The difference is a mindset of getting up one more time to fight another day, or quitting. Which fork in the road do you choose?

Today is a new day. As a very wise 9 year old boy with gifted piano skills told the “Little Big Shot” audience, “Everybody has their own instrument/gift they just haven’t always taken the time to find it.” Profound statement from a 9 year old. What's that God given gift that is YOU?

I wish you a week of surrounding yourself with a “coach” who is willing to support and encourage you on your quest to Being the Best You that You can be in whatever area of your life you are wanting to change.

  

Four Words That Make Life Worthwhile

“Indecision is the thief of opportunity.”

Were you able to take action this week? What actions did you take which will support you in getting STRONGER! WISER! BETTER!?

Since spring time is a time for action and new beginnings, this is a time to once again look at what it is you want to accomplish in 2016. It’s a review of your monthly goals. It’s the time to re-evaluate how you are going to make your life different in 2016 than in 2015.

Jim Rohn, one of my very favorite authors and speakers has “sought out ideas, principles, and strategies to life and life’s challenges.” When I read something this powerful from someone who I admire and someone whose life exemplified his words, I listen. There are four words, according to Rohn, that make living worthwhile. This is the focus for today’s blog. I encourage you to read this keeping your own goals, aspirations, and desires for 2016 in mind.

“First, according to Jim, life is worthwhile if you LEARN.” Often times we’ll hear someone say, “We don’t know what we don’t know.” It was over coffee with Barbara and Gaylene where we talked about raising our children and how things are different today. We lamented on not doing some things to support healthy eating with our toddlers, however, we also realized we did do some things right. Information and best practices do change but things change because there’s LEARNING taking place. New data, new approaches, new safety features etc. etc. and now our grandchildren are reaping the rewards of their parents LEARNING what supports young children in today’s world.

We all must LEARN in order to exist in the world today let alone be successful. By successful I mean success as an individual, as an employer or employee, as a spouse, a parent, a college student, an athlete etc. “Life is all about experiences whether positive or negative. Sometimes our learning comes first from doing it wrong.” Jim Rohn calls that a positive negative. To me, that’s the first way most of us learn, we do it wrong. When we’re first learning to talk or walk, when we first start any type of organized sport, when we first start kindergarten. All these are the firsts of many. Early on we have our parents, coaches, teachers cheering us on with each “baby step” and each attempt at something new.

When is it that we lost that adventurous attitude of doing something over and over again until we got it right? When was it we began to interpret suggestions as criticism? When was it we began to compare ourselves to others who may be picking something up faster? When was it we began to give up when things were harder? When was it when we began to have negative feelings about ourselves? These scenarios have happened to all of us, so what is the difference between those that continue to complain, blame, and have excuses about why they can’t do something and those that push on to eventually be successful?

For me, the key is MINDSET! If we’re always embracing new LEARNING then we will pay attention to the way things are done correctly. “We will learn from other people’s experiences, both positive and negative. This is equally valuable information since we can learn what not to do without the frustration of having tried and failed ourselves. As a side note, if we are continuously LEARNING, we will also surround ourselves with “balcony people.” These are people who are there to encourage, teach, and support us on that learning curve of life. There will also be those people who are more “basement  people” who are ready to laugh and belittle us when we’ve stumbled. They will be the ones to play on our vulnerable times and are dream stealers. These are the people we need to avoid and/or leave behind.

Our encouraging friends, parents, teachers, and coaches will not let us get by with the bare minimum but will push us to be the best we can be. Their motivation is for US to be the best we can be. Their focus is NOT their own ego. They will be there to encourage us to get back up and try again. They will be the ones to show us what we’re doing wrong AND will go the next step and show us how to do it right. Our job then is to be open to LEARN.

We LEARN from what we read so LEARN from every source; LEARN from lectures, songs, sermons, conversations with experts and people who care. In addition, we LEARN by what we see so our job is to pay attention. We LEARN by what we hear so our job is to be a good listener. Of course that does mean we are selective with who we are listening to and not let the “basement people” dump on us. I recently shared a quote on Facebook that I think speaks to who we are listening to in order to LEARN in a positive way. The quote read, “Ships don’t sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.”

Second, according to Jim, life is worthwhile if you TRY and I’ll use the word ACTION. You can’t just learn; now is the time for ACTION.  ACTION in your life will make a difference, ACTION will lead to progress, ACTION will help you to learn a new skill, a new sport, a new technique etc. If you never take ACTION on your learning how will you ever know what you can do? Do your best, give it every effort, open yourself up to helpful, constructive criticism so you can do it again. I love watching really good coaches who are skilled at teaching the nuances of footwork for a quarterback or the hand position when shooting a free throw. I love watching really good teachers in a classroom who can teach multiplication to a variety of students with a variety of learning styles. It’s magic.

If you take ACTION you are now of the mindset that repetition and LEARNING are part of the process. Remember…Practice DOES NOT make perfect. However, PERFECT PRACTICE does lead to perfection.

Jack Canfield is quoted to have said, “Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.” The infamous John Wooden says, “Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” There's much LEARNING from these two quotes.

Third, “life is worthwhile if you STAY. You have to stay from spring to harvest.” If you have signed up for the class or for the sport season or for the project – see it through. When you start something see it through to the end. DON’T allow yourself to consider quitting in the middle. Maybe the next season you decide not to play a specific sport but you gave your all when you were there. Maybe you realize the next time you don’t want to take the lead on a project or you decide you’re not going to continue volunteering for a certain organization, that’s ok. What isn’t ok, is to quit in the middle.

A good friend’s daughter went to an East coast school to play soccer. It was a tough school academically and college soccer was demanding a lot more time and focus than when she was in high school. The coaches were “mean, demanding, not fair” etc. etc. Her parents, being a long way away, were getting the phone calls of frustration, tears, and emotional tirades. They were able to listen, encourage, and suggested she talk to the coach, but they would never let her quit. They made it abundantly clear that she had made a commitment, and she had a scholarship where she was also expected to have a certain grade point average to maintain that scholarship. If at the end of the year, she was still wanting to leave then and only then would she be able to quit.

Interestingly enough, things changed the second semester. She was getting more playing time, the coach was giving her more positive encouragement, and she had a clearer picture of what it took to be a student athlete. Her parents were her “balcony people.” They were NOT helicopter parents! They had the mindset that their daughter needed to LEARN, she needed to take ACTION and take ACTION of adjusting to the next level's demands. She had to STAY to at least finish out her first year of college. (As a side note, this young lady is not leaving at the end of the year.)

Finally, if life is worthwhile you CARE. “If you CARE at all you will get some results, but if you CARE enough you can get incredible results. Care enough to make a difference. Care enough to turn somebody around. CARE enough to start a new business or a new program. CARE enough to be the best YOU that YOU can be for your family, your children, your friends. Most important, CARE enough for YOU!!

Stephen Covey says,”I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my choices.” I hope your choices include these four powerful words: LEARN, ACTION, STAY, and CARE!

I wish you a week and a future of making a difference in your life by putting these words to work in your life.

Stronger! Wiser! Better!

I hope you were able to take time to reflect and reevaluate your own mindset about what you can do when you’re confronted with negativity, overwhelming sadness, frustration with the actions of others, disappointment in others’ behaviors etc. What have you learned about your thinking as to whether you take the high road/more positive or you get caught up in all the negativity. Let’s be mindful of our choices and our actions at all times as there are always conflicts and there are always times of elation.

“Spring is the season of activity and opportunity,” according to Jim Rohn. In a recent article, he states, “The mere arrival of spring is no sign that things are going to look good in the fall.” Jim’s article reflects on the seasons which are a wonderful metaphor for times in our lives. Spring represents the time for opportunity whereas winter represents more of the challenging times. The key word for spring is ACTION.

Life’s experiences reflect a constant flux of change both positive and negative. As we age and our experiences continue, we MUST be willing to put on a new pair of “glasses” to see the world and our life experiences in a different way. Things look different at age 20 and single then they do at age 35, married with children etc.. Personally, I believe God gave each of us our natural destiny to learn, grow, succeed, and to find happiness while we are here on earth. Therefore, WE are in control how we handle the successes and challenges that confront us.

“Life is like the changing seasons – you cannot change the seasons, but you can change yourself,” another great quote from Jim Rohn. In addition, “You cannot change the circumstances but you can get stronger, wiser, and better.” For me, that’s a powerful statement!

Reflecting back on last week’s blog about Amanda, she has made the decision to continue to be the best she can be by attending support groups, researching information on possible avenues for her life, and to solicit help from professionals to guide her in her personal growth. She has chosen to be kind to herself when she’s sad about her biological father’s sudden death after only a short time with him. She is embracing the concept of “the only constant factor is our feelings and attitudes toward life. As humans, we have the power of attitude and that attitude determines choice, and choice determines results.”

I can attest to the fact that this is an attitude that has begun to surface and take hold for Amanda only in the last couple years. Previously, she had little self- esteem and lacked a confidence in her own self-worth. Amanda, like all of us, has experienced all kinds of “winters.” Jim Rohn refers to these “winters” as those times you can’t figure something out, the “winter” when everything seems to go wrong.” There are economic winters, social winters, personal winters, relationship winters etc.

“Wintertime can bring disappointment, and disappointment is common for all of us. So you must learn how to handle the winters. You must learn how to handle difficulty…The big question is what do we do about “winters”? ACTION! You CAN take ACTION. Remember these three words: STRONGER! WISER! BETTER! The “winters” won’t change, but each of us, individually CAN change.

Haven’t we all wished that things were easier and not so difficult or complicated? Haven’t we all wished that we had someone else’s life? Haven’t we all looked at someone else and thought they had it all and we wished we were like that? Of course, I think that’s human nature. However, I would suggest that instead of wishing things were easier when things were difficult, instead of hoping that someone else will change so our lives will be easier, instead of making comparisons of lack versus what we perceive as abundance I challenge you to take ACTION for what is in your control.

Earl Shoaff, Jim Rohn’s mentor, shared his philosophy, “Don’t wish something was easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for fewer problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenge, wish for more wisdom.”

I love this perspective. It’s not necessarily the easiest to always follow; however, it is a shift in mindset that puts us back into the driver’s seat and not a passenger allowing others to control our thoughts and actions.

“Indecision is the thief of opportunity.”

I wish you a week of taking action and learning how you can become STRONGER! WISER! BETTER!

Happy Spring!