Wishing You a Blessed Christmas

Last week I wished for you a quiet reflection time of all that you’re grateful for before the holiday.  I hope you made a conscious effort to, first and foremost, take the time to be present and enjoy your spouse, significant other, your children, and friends.  As I talked about last week, it's so easy to get caught up with the "hoop la" and forget what this season is really all about whether you celebrate Hanukkah or Christmas.  We could focus on all the tragedies in our world today, or we can focus on what we do have control over and that's only ourselves.  What can I do each and every day to make a difference in my own life and to make a difference in others' lives? After all, it is a mindset.

Christmas is only a few days away now. Unfortunately, it seems we hear about so many more issues of domestic violence, assaults, suicides, drunk-driving etc. taking place during this time of year. Why is that?  Yes, there are people who aren't happy, are taking out their feelings of frustration and inadequacy on family members or on themselves. This time of year seems to exacerbate those stressors and challenges.  I would speculate that finances trigger many of these feelings both now and again when it comes time to pay off all the credit card bills.  

But what else?  Is it the reflection over the past year, and the realization that once again another year has passed and nothing is really any different?  Is it a focus on all the things that didn't happen and a poor pitiful me attitude?  Is it “looking around” comparing yourself to others that seem to “have it all together?”  In your mind, they don't seem to have any of the struggles that you have.  Or is it something else?  Does any of this ring true for you?  

I would suggest a couple ideas to think about.  One is that EVERYONE has struggles and challenges of some kind.  EVERYONE is dealing with some challenge whether it be physical, emotional, financial, with their relationships, or spiritual.  Even those that look like they have THE perfect life have some kind of struggle, but we each deal with those challenges and struggles in our own personal way.  The choice might be to ignore, or deny, or we choose not to focus on the challenge itself but the lessons being learned along the way.  Some “suffer” in silence while others “wear their struggle on their sleeve” and let everyone around them know they're suffering.  A second thought is if the same feelings are constantly reoccurring then why haven’t you done anything about them?  Is it easier to wallow in misery and discomfort blaming everyone but yourself, than it is to take action and make changes? 

Make this holiday season different than ever before.  Give gifts from your heart that you can afford, make a conscious effort to let go of a nit picking, exasperated mindset when with a difficult relative even if it’s your own spouse, parent, in-law, or sibling.  Let go of the judgment, criticism, and perfect expectations.   Come away, this season, with a feeling of resolve.  Maybe it’s watching the behavior of someone else and making the commitment  to never be that way yourself, maybe it’s looking at being grateful for whatever little things you can find, maybe it’s realizing that if you can be loving and compassionate, you get far more of the same in return.  Maybe the difference is to let go of that perfect Christmas card picture, sit back, and just enjoy.

We will be spending Christmas with our daughter and her family, and New Years with our son and his family.   I plan to take in each moment fully.

I wish for you a special holiday time that includes: reflection, quiet moments, and gratitude.

Holiday Time

Hanukkah has ended and Christmas is 10 days away.  There’s a flurry of parties, shopping, meal planning, travel plans, cards to send, baking to do, and the list goes on and on.  However, what does that list look like for our military families who will be without a loved one?  What does that list look like for a family barely getting by or someone who has recently lost a loved one?  There are so many different scenarios that get lost in that flurry, yet even when things are going well, what are our expectations for this holiday time?

Are you someone that needs to have everything perfect?  Maybe you feel all family members need to be present or it isn't a complete celebration.  Do you get stressed out with all that’s on your “to do” list, or maybe you’re already anticipating difficulty with a particular family member or members? With married children, you may need to “share” time with the in-laws or take turns with the various holidays.  That becomes another challenge when grandchildren are involved.  Any of this ringing true for you?  We all have our own ways to deal with the holidays and the various circumstances we face.  So what do we do?

The perfect scenario actually seems to only exist in one place:  a picture on a greeting card.  According to Dr. Phil, “In the real world, with our fast-paced lives, the holidays usually mean stress.  We’re scrambling to make that shopping list, fretting about our budget,” spending time with family members who are negative and always complaining.  “During the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, we pile expectations on ourselves and everyone around us.”  And because we’re feeling overwhelmed with all the things that “must get done" on that seemingly endless list,” we end up taking out our stress on those we love the most – our spouse, our small children, our adult children, parents, co-workers, clients etc. etc.  And we justify our behavior, to ourselves, because we’re trying to make this whole “holiday event” special for everyone.  Sounding a little contradictory?

“You can’t have a holiday with meaning until you decide what means the most to you, so ask yourself where your true priorities lie.  If you value time with your small children, or your kids who will be home from college, or your parents will be with you etc. why add more to your list?  If you want to enjoy your day off, don’t sign up for a shift as a cook and maid; make a reservation at an affordable restaurant instead.”  Maybe by taking a couple things off your list, you will actually decrease your stress level.  Maybe you want to focus on gratitude; if so, you might step out of the commercial frenzy by feeding homeless families at a community center.”  If your actions reflect what means the most to you then you’re “walking your talk.” 

After the holidays are over, are you looking back on the events with a smile?  Or are you slumped on the couch, exhausted, and just glad it’s all over?  You will be the one to determine that final feeling. “It doesn't matter if you've celebrated the same way forever.  This year you can create the experience you want.  You just have to quit letting guilt control you and throw traditions that aren't working for you out the door,” according to Dr. Phil.

“Making the Holidays More Enjoyable” according to Dr. Phil:  (1)The first question he asks is whether or not the expectations we have are realistic.  People have a tendency to get upset with not what actually happens but that the expectations weren’t met.  So, are the expectations realistic?  Is this new or does the same stress and discomfort happen year after year?  You may need to re-examine your expectations and check to see they match your priorities.  (2) He also suggests lightening up and go with the flow.  Take a step back and relax.  (3) Remember that Christmas, or any holiday, is NOT the time for a problem-solving session.  Deal with family issues at another time. (Commit to making 2016 the year to get closure on unresolved issues with family.)  (4) Limit the time you spend with family.  It may be special for everyone to be together, but there’s no need to overdo it.  (Getting back to family routines is important for everyone especially our little ones.)  (5) If a meal is stressful, try making changes.  Simplify the menu, or serve buffet style, or make it a potluck.  (6)Give yourself permission to let go of the things that in the big picture don’t really matter and people won’t even remember.  That may mean all the vacuuming isn’t done, the piles are still there (hide the stuff) etc.  Would your children rather have your attention or see you focusing more on those other things?  If they’re old enough, let them be a part of the preparations –who cares if it isn’t just perfect or that you could do it much faster without their “help.”  It’s the time together that’s important.  (That is obviously one of my priorities – time together.)  (7) If the holidays make you feel empty and/or alone, give to others.  The best way to get is to give – even if you’re not feeling empty and alone.  

“It doesn’t matter if you’ve celebrated the same way forever.  This year you can create the experience you want that meshes with your priorities surrounding this time of year.  You just have to quit letting guilt control you or allowing others’ expectations control your actions.  Throw out, keep, or change traditions that either are or are not working for you.  Remember what the holidays are really about.  Family togetherness, spiritual enlightenment and camaraderie with friends are far more important than the details that we often focus on. 

I wish for you a quiet reflection time of all that you’re grateful for.  Here’s to this time, before the holiday, being days of less stress and more memory creating!  It’s in your control and it is a mindset.

What does REAL mean to you?

Last week, I wished you a week of SMILING and continuing to do the little things. I will be the first to admit that in light of yet another unthinkable massacre smiling is difficult to do. It’s amazing how quickly our sense of security can be challenged especially if you watch or listen to the media. We can get caught up in listening to the latest reports which then our bodies and minds have a physical response of depression and sadness. Until we were away for three days spending time playing with our grandchildren and only watching sports neither one of us was aware of how much better and “lighter” we felt driving home than we did a few days earlier. There’s definitely a balance between being aware and informed and being consumed. I would offer the suggestion to pay attention to the amount of time you are investing into listening and watching the news.

I keep coming back to the thought that although it may appear that life is unraveling right before our eyes, I am still the Polly Anna that believes we can make a difference in our own lives each and every day. So yes, smiling is important and yes, continuing to do the little things is important.

How many of you have ever read The Velveteen Rabbit by Margaret Williams and if so how long has it been since you read the book? I recently came across it in my special selections for the grand kids, so I decided to reread it. I must admit that I’m not always very good at pulling out all the messages the author wants the reader to interpret but the essence here is the pursuit of becoming real.  My first question then is, “So what exactly does real mean?”

The book The Velveteen Principles, A Guide to Becoming Real by Toni Raiten-D’Antonio suggests that real is kindness, empathy, and individuality. “Sadly, most of us lose touch with this spirit as we move through life and come under the influence of the Object culture. Society’s one-size-fits-all recipe for success is what disconnects us from what is Real.” I would suggest that each of us is on some kind of journey to find our true self and to be able to live the life we were meant to live. Isn’t that being real? The key word for me in the description above is the word individuality.

In a conversation with Amanda this weekend, she made the comment that she has never felt normal. Hmm…what does THAT mean? To me, normal means average, and I definitely DO NOT want to be average. Does not feeling normal mean we don’t fit in with others, we don’t follow the general consensus of what is “cool,” and/or we don’t abide by the practices of the majority? We all have our own perceptions of what we “should” do and what others think we should do. But what do our actions reflect? Do we value others and their thinking more than what we value as our own reality our own realness?

“We can make progress toward a more fulfilling life if we adopt a realistic point of view. In the way most people use that term, being realistic means ­settling for what you can get. But in Toni’s view, we are realistic when we honor our special abilities, interests and dreams. These all come from our deep Real selves.” That’s the definition I relate to for this blog.

In the process of our life’s journey, I would venture to guess that each and every one of us has gone through a period of time and may still be going through, that discovery of what being real means to each of us as an individual. The expectations we think others have of us, the “looking the part” of normalcy is a constant challenge, and the “I should…” mantra in our head clouds our true search. We don’t want people to think we aren’t under control of ourselves, our children, our family, our work etc. etc. all the time. Heaven forbid, that we have a dysfunctional marriage, or a special needs child that acts out, or a family member that has some type of addition problem, or that we are struggling with our finances and can barely afford to pay the mortgage let alone buy presents for everyone during this holiday season.

I believe a real life is possible for each one of us, however, we must be willing to face the fact that what is normal or real to us may or may not be normal or real to the next person and that’s ok. I would also suggest that each and every one of us is dealing with some kind of a struggle though we may “look” like nothing is wrong. We have to individually decide our own truth, our own reality. To be able to walk that truth and speak that truth is a freeing experience. When we are able to do that it takes us further down the path to discovering our own realness.

Before I go any further, I find myself fluctuating back and forth with some of my words because of all the craziness and extremism in this world today. I recognize there are those extremists. However, that is NOT my audience. I hope that in these blogs you are aware that my goal is to make each and every one of us the Best that we can be as a person on this earth.

Through examining our own beliefs, our own value, our own uniqueness, our own essence then I believe we all find our own definition to what is real for us individually. I wish you freedom to celebrate your virtues, your individuality, and what you have already brought to yourself, your family, and the people who mean the most to you.

For those around you who are judgmental, naysayers etc. all you need is a broken record response…”That’s what you think/feel, however, I don’t think/feel the same way.” This broken record response allows you to not get into arguments, and you don’t need to have any type of conversation trying to convince someone that you’re right. The people who truly know your spirit and your value will support you.

During this holiday season, I wish you gratitude for all you have learned about yourself to this point and gratitude for all that you know you can become each and every day.

“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.” (unknown author)

Here’s to a week of learning more about your own truth, learning who is the real YOU.

The Science of a Smile

What little things were you able to do to make it a great day for someone else this past week? I hope you discovered that it doesn’t take a lot to make someone else feel valued and appreciated.

To continue with the message from last week, Daryl R. Van Tongeren, an assistant professor of psychology at Hope College, states that if we want to feel better about ourselves and have purpose in our lives, we must do something for someone else. Isn’t that what those little things do for others but also gives back to the giver? He also states, “When people do the right thing-taking the moral high ground-they enjoy lasting sense of purpose, so daily moral actions translate to a meaning-filled life.” This week I hope to continue the idea of the little things that make a huge difference. One of those little things that is so easy to do yet also easy not to do… is to smile.

In a conversation Jon had with a current assistant track coach at CU, he told the young man that he was essentially lazy.  If you know Jon at all, you also know that the word “lazy” is NOT anywhere in his vocabulary.  He went on to tell the coach that he learned, a long time ago, that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, so he chooses to smile.

Coincidentally, an article in Success magazine, December issue, is titled “The Science of a Smile.”  Shawn Anchor writes that if you change your face, you will change your outcome. “When people complain, their facial expressions become scrunched and anxious. When we feel threatened by a negative family member or co-worker our faces usually reflect exactly what we are trying to reject.” That’s an interesting statement and something to pay attention to not only in others but also in ourselves.

Shawn continues, “Want people around you to be more positive? Check YOUR face first. Emotions are highly contagious; they spread through our nonverbal cues. When we interact with people who are in a good mood we subconsciously begin to copy their body language, tone of voice and facial expressions. Once we mimic these physical behaviors, research shows we actually begin to feel the emotion ourselves. When we smile, our mood elevates. Scientists refer to this as the “facial feedback hypothesis.” “Something as simple as smiling could transform your life.”

A tweet from #TweetsWeLike says, “Remember YOU are amazing! Make sure to tell others they are amazing as well!” It’s all about the little things. Now add to that, it’s also about a smile. “10% of conflict is due to a difference of opinion, and 90% is due to delivery and tone of voice.” I would speculate that a smile rather than a frown might have a different outcome in many conflicts. 

As the article says, there’s science behind the reason why we do feel better when we smile, we do feel more energized when we’re around positive, upbeat people, and we do feel energized when we can do the little things that make a difference in someone else’s life. So here's to more energy and a positive mindset...SMILE and do the little things!

As Thanksgiving approaches followed by the holidays; shopping lists are long, holiday parties pile up on the calendar, school programs are scheduled, and the “to do” list seems endless. I would suggest to  take time TODAY and make a promise to yourself that when you’re in the long checkout line – SMILE at those around you – when you finally get to the checkout SMILE at the busy clerk and never leave without looking them in the eye and say thank you. When you find yourself being overwhelmed, decide what is really important. Yes, holidays can be stressful, but we’re the ones in control of that. What’s your mindset? Be attentive to the little things and always take the lazy way out - SMILE.

If you haven’t seen the commercial with the little boy sitting on a bus/train, he mimics the frowns and furrowed brows of those around him. Then he changes and has an ear to ear SMILE. What happens next? To a person, they turn their frown into a SMILE. It’s the little things in life. “Change your face, change your outcome!”

I wish you a week of SMILING and continuing to do the little things.